Creation

(Italics are Jesse’s out loud thoughts while reading the essay.)

(Bold is the stage directions.)

Jesse is writing their college essay to the admissions officers of their dream college. They’re sitting on the campus of the college they’re hoping to get into called UCLA. They’re typing on their computer that is set up on the grassy dirt.

JESSE

From the start, I didn’t know where the hell I belonged. I probably should delete “hell.” I don’t think the admissions officers would appreciate my steller word choice. From the start, I didn’t know where I belonged. Now the sentence is bland, but I’m not using any cuss words just in case the officer reading my essay is ultra-Catholic or something. 

(Jesse stands up with their laptop clutched to their chest and starts to type more aggressively as they stand on the grass.)

I kept walking back and forth over this invisible line from the girls, who at that time were all obsessed with colored powder and sticky stuff you put on your lips for fun, which I never understood; and the boys, who would do very repulsive things like punch each other until one of them bled, and tackle each other over an oddly shaped ball (which I later found out was a football). I never understood that because if you liked someone and wanted to hang out with them, why would you want them to bleed? Why would you want to see them hurt? 

(Jesse starts pacing around the field/campus, still with the laptop clutched against their chest.)

Not everyone at my school was like this, but the people that would catch your eye in the hallway did those things and persuaded everyone around them to follow their lead and be part of their clique. I won’t name names since I’m not using this essay to tattletale. Rather, there was one person that led the clique with not an iron, but a gold fist. He or she, because it was only he or she, I guess loved to be and act old fashioned since all he or she wanted was “normalcy.” The last four years I’ve been asking, what’s normal? What is normal? I’m genuinely curious to see if anybody or anyone has an answer to this. A legitimate answer. If our teachers were really trying to teach us that everyone is different, then how come the word “normal” even exists? If everyone said that they were a genderless blob, would that be considered “normal”?

(Jesse stops pacing.)

 To be clear, practically all of my grade was one big clique of people that dressed in clothing I couldn’t afford and acted in a repulsive manner. They just didn’t seem to have any care about the people that didn’t fit their “ideal style,” whatever that meant. I spent most of high school pretending I was talking to some friends on the phone, reading numerous gender studies books like In Their Shoes by Jamie Windust, and desperately trying to find clothes that wouldn’t make me look like a girly girl or a jock. In my school at least, there was no in-between. The in-between was something I was trying to create, but no one was joining me because my bet was that they were scared of everything besides the status quo. 

(Jesse’s voice gets louder with more passion to it and they put down their laptop and walk to a nearby rock that’s on the field/campus and climb on top of it.)

I knew I had to do something. Not for me, not for my friends, but for the people out there who had similar feelings as me. Who had similar thoughts and desperately wanted change. On the very last day before spring break, (I’m currently writing this during break), I stood on the wobbly cafeteria table and asked the question to everyone who would listen, “Who am I?” One responded that I was a loner, one said genius, one said try-hard, yet no one said I was a man or a woman. I took note of that and responded, “No one here has said I am a man or a woman. I was expecting someone to mention what my gender or sex might be but no. 

(Jesse’s voice gets even stronger and louder with more passion and they start pointing at the invisible people in the crowd from the rock they’re standing on.)

None of you said anything about that. I was expecting someone to say I’m a guy for the way I dress or I’m a girl for my hobbies and interests. I believe the reason none of you mentioned that is because deep down you all know that everyone deserves to define themselves how they want to. Everybody. Every BODY. Who you are is who YOU are and not who somebody else is. Someone else is a woman, someone else is a man, some go by she/her/hers, some go by he/him/his, and you want to know who I am; what I go by? They/their/theirs, I am them. Respect that and I’ll respect you.” 

(Jesse walks back to their computer, stretches their hands and back, takes a big sigh, and sits down comfortably. Jesse’s voice softens.)

The amount of love and relief I felt afterward was tremendous. I felt more relieved than after I took the PSAT! One single moment I’ll forever remember and cherish is when that person with the gold fist looked up to me, smiled, nodded, and clapped along with everybody else. I knew right then and there I made at least some change, a good change. I didn’t fix the world, I didn’t fix everything, but what I did do was make a small yet huge improvement in my community that will very much spread to other communities and places around the globe. 

(Louder typing sounds.)

To whoever is reading this essay, thank you. Truly from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Whether I get into UCLA or not is honestly not my number one priority. My forever number one priority is inclusivity of every single body. Thank you.

Jesse hits the submit button on their laptop and gives themselves a round of applause as they stand up and take a deep breath. They did it. 

Flesh

Editor’s Note: Content warning for subject matter related to eating disorders

Script: This script is meant to be read in podcast format

Archivist:

Statement of Ichika Payne, regarding her time as an employee of Kenley Design Company.

Original statement given 10th of January, 2006. Audio recording done in 2020 by Katherine Adamos, head archivist of the Lampert Institute, London. Statement begins.

Statement:

My eating disorder developed as most do. I don’t really want to dwell on that, because I do not feel like explaining my life story to someone who is not my therapist, as that’s not what I’m here to talk about. But I will say that from a young age, I’ve experienced… real hunger. The deep, deep ache in your stomach when it’s truly empty, and it feels like a black hole inside you. It’s almost like a high, a weird feeling of purity.

I work as a designer. It’s ironic, as the fashion industry is known for being problematic in terms of body image. I’ve always loved fashion though, dressing up, going shopping. But it was never so much about how I felt in the clothes. It was more like… how I felt when people noticed me in them. My parents always told me that I was a sucker for praise, but I don’t think they knew just how right they were. As a child, I was constantly craving attention. Not in an obnoxious or over the top way… just, doing what I could to make people notice me. For example, being the prettiest, being the smartest. Things like that.

I suppose I do have a weird sort of fear surrounding… bodies. Meat, in general. My mother received liposuction when I was six. I had asked her where what they took out would go, and she told me she didn’t know. Even now, I can remember my six-year-old self picturing that bloody fat and flesh, still warm from my mother’s body, swirling down a hospital drain, smeared on white tile.

I apologize for the tangent. In the summer of 2005, I was fresh out of college, and looking for somewhere to start my career, preferably a smaller company, as I wanted to work where there was a good chance of my clothes being made and put on sale. I lived in Bristol at the time, and it wasn’t too hard to find a recent startup brand. Kenley, they were called.

I had submitted some of my winter designs online, and went in for an interview only a week later. According to their website, I was looking for a woman named Patricia. No last name or anything. Just Patricia.

She was a strikingly tall Turkish woman, gaunt, and had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. The same opaque sky blue a colored pencil might be. She was so thin, so angular. Her bones looked like they could cut. She must have been in her mid-forties, but it was… hard to tell. Upon meeting her, I automatically felt a sense of respect for her. She exuded the confidence of a leader, even though she was only the supervisor of the fifteen people who worked in the studio.

The interview went well enough, I suppose. The building I would be working in was a nondescript two story brick building somewhere downtown. She asked me a few questions about previous work I’d done, what my goals were, that sort of thing, all the while twirling her thick, bleach white hair around a long, thin finger. Looking back on that moment, I feel as if I should’ve known something was wrong when I observed how… sharp her nails looked. Long and pointed, as an acrylic nail would be. But those nails weren’t fake.

I got the job fairly easily. I take pride in my work, and I’d like to say that I got in based on skill alone. But… now I’m not so sure.

The environment there was fairly quiet, only the sounds of graphite moving against paper and the whir of a slightly dented space heater in the corner. The floors were a grey tile, and always sparkling clean. The smell of bleach was quite pervasive.

I didn’t talk to my colleagues very often, aside from idle chat at break times. Any conversations we had were… stilted, as well. Like it was difficult for them to remember the right words to say. Like they hadn’t used their voices in a while. I ignored this well enough. I had barely any friends outside of work, so I took what interactions I could.

Lunch was an interesting matter. The first day I got there, I expected my colleagues to leave their desks and head for the break room at noon, the scheduled time for lunch. However, no one moved. They just all kept their heads bent over their desks and… continued working. I never saw a single person there eat.

At first, I thought I was just among hard workers. It was almost a relief, to be honest. I didn’t have to go through the trouble of excusing why I wasn’t eating lunch, or carrying around an empty lunch bag for the appearance. No one would bat an eye if the only thing I consumed was tea with metamucil stirred in, they were so focused on their work.

But, as time progressed, I started to feel a bit… suspicious? Of my colleagues. They were diverse enough, mostly Malay women, a white lady with red hair whose name I could never remember, and a few men. Whenever I chatted with them, they clearly didn’t keep up with any of the news or popular culture. And of course I can relate to that, I’m not the most updated person but. At least I vaguely knew what was going on in the world. At least it seemed like I checked my phone once in a while.

And the way they were so focused on their work. Constantly at their desks, sketching and sketching and sketching. (pause) I never once saw any of their designs, as they never got published or created. I’m not sure if what they were designing was clothes at all.

Patricia was much different from them. Comparing her to my colleagues was like… comparing a child’s picture book to a novel. She always wore sleek black pantsuits, white coils down to her shoulders, and those nails. Always painted a bright neon pink, and sharp enough to cut. I was more than a little enamored with her, in the way a student might crush on her professor.

She was everything I wanted to be. Often, during the lunch breaks, I would go to her office, she would pull out two Diet Cokes from her mini fridge, and we would talk. About nothing in particular. Fashion, I suppose. I can’t really remember. Her presence was a bit blinding, and I always felt oddly nervous, or giddy, going to talk to her. I suppose maybe that’s what muddied my memory. I’m usually very collected, but I couldn’t help but just… want her praise. I wanted her to like me. She was… ethereal.

We never discussed… eating issues or the like. But there is one thing I distinctly recall her saying to me. I hesitate to call it a memory. It felt almost unreal, like an echo of a conversation.

That day Patricia had seemed more… aggressive. Her usual elegant demeanor replaced by something more (pause) ravenous, though I could see her quite obviously trying to suppress herself. During our usual time together she seemed almost… impatient with me, as if she were talking to a child.

For me, one of the worst feelings in the world is being unwanted, especially from this woman, this role model of mine. I made up some excuse and stood to leave, saying I needed to finish one of my winter designs.

As I reached the door, I felt one of her hands close around my wrist. She had been all the way across the room, and it startled me at how fast she’d closed the gap between us. Her sharp nails were digging into my skin, and for how thin she was, her grip was strong, unnaturally strong. I don’t doubt she could have crushed my hand.

Fear pulsed through me.

There is not enough meat on your bones.”

Now, people have said that to me plenty of times. A casual joke or a knowing look from a professor. 

But she growled it at me. The black hole where my stomach used to be sobbed in hunger, and all I could do was stare into her shallow, sky blue eyes.

She released her nails, and I ran.

When I left her office, every single one of my coworkers had their eyes trained on me. At the time I thought it was just because I’d made some sort of commotion. 

Looking back, I’m fairly certain I was the only one in that room breathing.

I knew I had made a mistake. I left work five hours early, and all my papers and supplies were still on my desk. The deadline for submitting a line of dresses I designed was next week, and I desperately needed to work on them. 

My heart pounded with anxiety and panic, and I paced around my practically empty apartment, feeling cold with horror and a bit of embarrassment. I decided I would go in once the work day ended, grab my things and go. Then, come into work the next day, pretend nothing happened, and keep living my life.

So, at 8 pm, I took the bus back downtown, plugged in the code to unlock the front door, the smell of bleach and floor cleaner not quite as potent as it usually was, and carefully walked up the stairs to the second floor. I’d never been in the building this late in the evening, and the pools of darkness where the setting sun didn’t reach gave me terrible unease.

It felt oddly warm in the building. I was wearing my fall clothes, and sweat was slowly dampening my turtleneck. I was too scared to turn on any lights, and I didn’t know if anyone was still in, so I walked with light footsteps. I noticed a sticky substance on the floor, causing my boots to create an ugly suction sound. I kept walking, the steps getting stickier the more stairs I climbed, and the usual clean smell fading.

I will try my best to describe what I saw when I pushed my way through the door.

My colleagues were there. Still sitting at their desks. Not scribbling on paper, but just… sitting there, eyes wide open, facing forward.

However, there was a yellow-ish oily substance slowly dripping from their legs. As if the bottoms of their feet were removed, and they were left to drain. The murky white completely flooded the white tile of the room, and it smelled awful. It smelled of fat and of rot and infection.

And Patricia. I could see her standing casually at my desk, leaning on it, nothing covering her upper body, and covered in large stripes of red. Heat was radiating from the spot she stood in, and I could see the steam hovering around her. 

She extended one arm, bicep facing up, and used one of those bright, pink nails to slowly saw through her flesh, the same way one might carve a piece of meat. She peeled it off with a sickening rip, and flung it to the tile.

I watched as that same substance seeped from her, trickled down her forearm and legs, her trousers soaked to her thin, boney calves.

I vomited.

And funnily enough, my first thought was that I ruined a pair of £70 corduroy pants.

Sixteen pairs of eyes turned to leer at me, but none of them were human. Not anymore.

I made a brief moment of eye contact with what used to be Patricia. Her smile revealed a set of sharp canines dripping with what I can only assume was blood. 

I saw her mouth form a word, a question.

“Hungry?”

I tripped while sprinting out of the building, even though there was no one chasing me.

I never went back to work. I simply… packed up and left the city. I’m currently staying with my parents in Leeds, and have started receiving clinical help for my disorder. I’m not sure if I’ll ever receive any answers for what happened at Kenley, and I’ve decided that’s for the best. I just… needed to tell someone. Do what you will with this information. Thank you for your time.

Archivist:

(sigh) Statement ends. As this Patricia was not described to have any last name, I can assume that Ms. Payne encountered the entity formerly known as Patricia Yilmaz. We believe it is now working for either the Corruption or Viscera. There are no details concerning the address or location of Kenley Design Studio, other than sparse descriptions of downtown Bristol. When research was done online for the company, a website did pop up, but had been deactivated two months ago. Figures. When I sent in Tom to do a bit of reconnaissance, he found a multitude of two story brick buildings, none of which had any signage to distinguish between them. 

When we contacted Ms. Payne, she refused to disclose the location of the studio, and had no new information for us, other than the fact that, about a month ago, a bill with no forwarding address was sent to her new home in Munich, charging her 87.56 pounds, the exact price of 44 cans of diet coke.

Recording ends.

End audio

Godel’s Guide to Breaking Everything

Introduction

Two people walk down the street in two opposite directions. They are going two separate ways, and will never see each other again. 

Enter C stage left, move centerstage, keep walking

Enter M stage right, move centerstage 

C “bumps,” M drops phone

M: Oh!

C: Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going, I—

M: No, my phone!

C: Ooh, I can pay for that, it looks pretty broken. Here. I’ll go with you to get it fixed. 

M: Right now? 

C: Yeah. Why not? 

M: Well, I got a patient who I need to attend to before she gets hungry. 

C: Other nurses will take care of your patient. You can call in sick!

M: Well, I haven’t had a vacation for a while… you know, the earthquake?

M: Wait. How did you know I was a nurse? 

C: Well. You said that you had to feed a patient; doctors wouldn’t do that, they would be doing surgeries, and stuff like that. Also, when you dropped your bag (and your phone clattered out), a box of surgical masks fell out of your bag. I’m also assuming you’re going to night school? 

M: Wha? How…

C: Dark circles. Concealer can’t cover everything, honey. 

C: Now we got to go to get your screen fixed. 

Act 1

Waiting in the phone shop

C: So… do you want to talk about something? 

M: No. You’ve been super kind, but I think it would be best if we didn’t talk. 

C: So. You want to talk about nothing. 

M: Yes? 

C: Well, nothing is a thing.

M: No, nothing is black. Nothing is no-thing. 

C: Black is a thing, and no thing is the opposite of a thing, therefore, must be no-thing.

M: Oh my gosh, you’re right!

C: It’s called Godel’s Theorem. For example, take the statement, “This statement is a lie.” The liar’s paradox. The real statement behind this is, “This statement is unprovable.” How can you prove this statement? Or, really, ANY statement? For example, 1 plus 1 is just, 2. How do you know it is, though? 

M: Because, well… it’s just… well…

C: Yeah.

M: Can I have your number? 

C: Your phone’s done. 

M: How can we keep talking? 

C: I’ll call you.  

C exits stage right

M stays on set, curtain drops

Act 2

Soon after while lying on set, M receives a call… 

M: Blocked caller ID? That’s funny… hello? 

C: Hey.

M: Who are you? 

C: I’m just the CEO of a company. I just uncovered too much about Godel. It’s fine though. Sorry about the blocked caller. 

M: I was expecting you to call like, three weeks ago! It’s been a month since I broke my phone. 

C: Sorry, but I am a CEO. I have a job. 

M: Ugh. I don’t have time for this. I have to get to school. 

C: I’ll call you. 

M: (disconnects) Not if I call you first. 

C: (on the other end, M not hearing them) Dina? Look up where- wait. What’s their name? 

Act 3

One day later while M is at work, M calls C

C: Hello? 

M: No, no hello, I’m not wasting time having you or your pettiness stand in my way. You can hang up, but you won’t. Explain what’s happening. Right. Now. 

C: Look up Godel. 

C hangs up.

M: Hello? Hello? 

C calls back.

C: Dinner. Sandy’s. You’re free. 

M: No. Luigi’s. What’s your name again? 

C hangs up.

At dinner (at Sandy’s)

C: Wow. You dressed up!

M: And you didn’t? Anyway. I can’t even think about anything without going crazy, thinking  about the ways it’s wrong. I looked up Godel, but it only said that he commited a slow and painful suicide, and was a professor. 

C: Ok, I’ll explain it to you, and look up his theories. 

C: Now. Think of a rubber duck. How do you know it’s real?

M: Well… you can feel it, and you can see it. Sometimes you can smell it. 

C: Yes but you feel with your nerves, and you taste with your tastebuds, and you smell with tiny hairs in your nose, and all three of those are somewhat of a reaction from your brain. It could be your brain malfunctioning, and you’re actually eating dark matter.  

M: You’re saying everything could very well be a figment of our imagination? 

C: That’s up to you. 

C: I also ordered us a s’mores to go. I’ve found it’s best to cope with some soft, gooey marshmallow. 

M: How do you cope? 

C: I don’t. This is the first time I ever shared that with anybody. 

M: Well, glad you’re coping with me. 

C smiles. 

C: Goodnight. 

M: I’ve got to get to class.


Later 

: My mind is as sharp as an emerald, but as blunt as a dead body. 

: Wait how can you tell someone is even dead? 

: Don’t. I’ve thought about it… 

: All this time. I’ve never even thought about this before…

: Just once or twice. 

: To test. 

: I know how. 

: So do I

: Just twice. 

: Some idiot scum that no ones going to miss… 

Even later

News: “Twenty eight people have been suspected dead, over the past few weeks, no connection between them. Nobody knows where this person will strike next, but we do know this makes them the highest ranking american serial…”

:Why?

: Because. I had to, before you did. 

: we agreed on two. 

: …g

Goodbye, C. 

: Goodbye. 

Epilogue

Charlotte was driving to her second mansion. When she got there, somebody was standing where she was supposed to. 

Maya? I thought. We ran to each other and shared a familiar kiss. How… why… “They think it was me so I said I was going on vacation.” 

“They won’t look here because we have no connection, they would never suspect us of being friends, and they would never guess we’re more.”

fin


The Tales of Frog Royalty

LIST OF CHARACTERS:

FROG KING

FROG PRINCE/TADPOLE

FROG PRINCESS/LILY PATTY

SIR EVIL WIZARD FLYTRAP/S.E.W.F.


ACT I: THE FROG KING’S RETIREMENT

Frog Prince enters room where Frog King is sitting

FROG PRINCE: Father Frog, you called?

FROG KING: Yes, my dear youngest froggy. It seems now is the time to take action against Sir Evil Wizard Flytrap, or as we know him- S.E.W.F.

Frog Prince nods confidently

FROG KING: S.E.W.F. has just sent another lightning-tornado towards our small village, and if we take another hit…

FROG PRINCE: What will happen?

FROG KING: We will be forced to relocate.

Frog Prince gasps

FROG PRINCE: No!!!

FROG KING: Indeed. However, my son, if you look on the bright side, relocation doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

FROG PRINCE: I think it rather does, Father Frog, Sister and I would hate it!

FROG KING: Not for you, child, for me!

FROG PRINCE: What are you talking about?!

FROG KING: Well, I’ve been thinking. I’m pretty old, aren’t I? Eight years old tomorrow! Since your sister is the heir to the throne, I was hoping you could tell her that I’m retiring for me.

FROG PRINCE: Why do I have to tell her? She expected you to retire in at least another year, and she hates surprises! This will likely make her furious! And you know how Sister is when she is angry…

FROG KING: Of course I know, in fact, you got lucky! You were only a tadpole when she was in her most angry phase! And since I’m leaving you two here while I move to Froglandia-

FROG PRINCE: (in a whiny voice) But IIIII want to leave, too!!!

FROG KING: Hush, quit acting like a tadpole, Tad! As I was saying, since I’m leaving for Froglandia and starting a much more peaceful part of my life, I should be more easygoing. Starting with having you deliver the news to your sister.

Frog Prince rolls his eyes

FROG PRINCE: Wow, thank you, Father.

FROG KING: You’re welcome. Another easygoing thing I’ve decided to do as my final act as Frog King is befriend S.E.W.F., it seems fitting, since I was the only royal frog he ever disliked.

FROG PRINCE: You said it was my great-grandfather who accidentally lost S.E.W.F.’s crazy grandmother!

FROG KING: Did I? Well, no, I just didn’t look him in the eye when shaking his leaf…

FROG PRINCE: Father!!!

FROG KING: You can’t blame me, I was distracted by some nearby flies!

FROG PRINCE: That is not at all an excuse, but let me get this straight. You’re going to leave Sister and I to rule our small village and deal with your problems, while you go have flies with our sworn enemy?

FROG KING: Oh, no no no, young frog!

Frog Prince releases a big breath

FROG PRINCE: Oh, that’s good!

FROG KING: Actually, I’ve had it arranged for you to meet with S.E.W.F. this evening!

FROG PRINCE: You’ve GOT to be kiddi-

Frog King checks his imaginary watch

FROG KING: Oh, would you look at the time?! I’ve got to go catch a llama before it’s too late!

FROG PRINCE: Where are you going?!

FROG KING: Didn’t I already tell you? Froglandia!

Frog King rushes out of the room, leaving Frog Prince.

FROG PRINCE: Oh my toad.

ACT II: THE PRINCE TELLS THE PRINCESS

Frog Prince is waiting outside of Frog Princess’s home and knocks on the door

FROG PRINCE: Sister? Lily? *knocks on door again* Lily Patty???

Frog Princess opens the door and looks surprised to see Frog Prince

FROG PRINCESS: Why are you here?

FROG PRINCE: I missed you too!!!

Frog Princess sighs

FROG PRINCESS: Seriously, Tad, what’s going on?

Frog Prince looks nervous

FROG PRINCE: Just warning you, It’s not my fault.

FROG PRINCESS: What isn’t your fault?

Frog Prince takes a deep breath

FROG PRINCE: Father left for Froglandia just now and he’s retiring and he’s sending me to have flies with S.E.W.F. this evening and you’re Queen Frog now and I don’t know what to do!!!

FROG PRINCESS: Woah. That would be crazy.

FROG PRINCE: It is!!!

FROG PRINCESS: It would be. I know this is a prank, Brother Frog.

FROG PRINCE: I WISH. Father just left on a llama!

Frog Princess crosses her arms over her chest

FROG PRINCESS: Really? That’s hard to believe. I thought they permanently refused service to him after he spilled flies on the llama he was riding on.

FROG PRINCE: I guess he’s hoping to get lucky and find a llama that hasn’t heard of him? And hey, that incident was your fault for not screwing the thermos holding the flies the whole way…

Frog Princess glares at Frog Prince and takes a deep breath

FROG PRINCESS: Don’t you blame this on me, mister, S.E.W.F. attacked again today, I have had enough things going wrong today, you-

Frog Prince steps back cautiously

FROG PRINCE: Woah, woah, woah, calm down! Now is not the time to unleash your sisterly rage on me. What is it, 4 in the afternoon? We should be preparing for our meeting with S.E.W.F.!

FROG PRINCESS: Our meeting?

FROG PRINCE: Oh, um, right, I was hoping you would consider coming with me…?

FROG PRINCESS: Ugh! You are so lucky I was raised a good frog.

ACT III: FLIES WITH S.E.W.F.

Frog Prince and Frog Princess have just arrived at S.E.W.F.’s house

Both look nervous

FROG PRINCESS: G-g-good day, Sir F-Flytrap.

S.E.W.F.: What brings you two here? Are enemies supposed to hang out?

FROG PRINCE: We, er, came to create peace between our species. Sir.

S.E.W.F.: That seems quite boring. And relatively impossible. No wonder you are Prince Tadpole, you are thinking like a child.

FROG PRINCE: That’s not very nice. And what makes peace impossible?

S.E.W.F.: Well, peace has to be agreed upon, and as I said, it’s really quite boring. Why would I agree to something as boring as peace?

FROG PRINCESS: We brought you flies, if it helps…

S.E.W.F.’s eyes light up with excitement

S.E.W.F.: Oh! That would help… where did you get these flies?

FROG PRINCE: The swamp.

FROG PRINCESS: They’re very fresh!

S.E.W.F. claps his leaves excitedly

S.E.W.F.: Ooh, I haven’t had swamp flies in a long, long time…

FROG PRINCESS: Well, you won’t have them for an even longer time if you keep attacking our village, Sir Flytrap.

S.E.W.F. ponders this for a moment

S.E.W.F.: I suppose you’re right. Let’s sit and discuss this while eating these delicious flies.

They all sit

S.E.W.F.: Peace would be quite a new concept for me. Would you mind going over what it entitles?

FROG PRINCE: Well, you would probably have to agree to have your name shortened.

S.E.W.F.: How come?

FROG PRINCE: Sir Wizard Flytrap is a lot more peaceful-sounding than Sir Evil Wizard Flytrap, wouldn’t you agree?

S.E.W.F.: Well, I suppose. Ok, from now on I will be known as Sir Wizard Flytrap, or S.W.F., but pronounced just like S.E.W.F.

FROG PRINCESS: Marvelous! Another thing peace would mean would be that you would stop sending lightning-tornadoes towards our small village, and us frogs would stop hogging all of the flies.

S.W.F.: You’ve been hogging the flies?! No wonder my meals have been ending quicker!

FROG PRINCESS: Is that not why you’ve attacked us in the past?

FROG PRINCE: Oh, right, I forgot to tell you, it’s actually Father’s fault. Father didn’t look Sir Flytrap here in the eye when shaking his leaf.

Frog Princess gasps and S.W.F nods sorrowfully

S.W.F.: Yes, the number one rule of both Frog Etiquette and Flytrap Etiquette. I was deeply offended.

FROG PRINCE: Obviously.

Frog Princess glares at Frog Prince

FROG PRINCESS: Anyone would have been offended. I deeply apologize, Sir Flytrap, for my father’s mistakes, but you met him. He was always a bit of a ditzy frog, you know, and his actions were in no way intended as an offense.

S.W.F. nods and chews on a fly

S.W.F.: I see your point. He definitely was a bit ditzy. So, if we advance with this peace thing, you frogs will leave more flies for flytraps and I won’t send lightning-tornadoes at your village.

FROG PRINCESS: Correct.

S.W.F.: But that’s not fair. I had to change my name too, and you guys only did one thing.

FROG PRINCE: That’s true. How about we have weekly flies together, since you seem to be enjoying our flies quite a bit?

S.W.F.: That’s alright with me.

FROG PRINCESS: Perfect! We should be getting home now, turns out I have to plan my coronation.

S.W.F. raises his eyebrows questioningly

S.W.F.: Oh?

FROG PRINCESS: Did I not mention that my father has just retired and fled- sorry, traveled- to Froglandia?

S.W.F.: Interesting. I might want to join him soon.

FROG PRINCE: Well, let’s shake on this treaty and start planning.

The frogs shake S.W.F.’s leaf, making sure to look him in the eyes, and head back to their now-safe village.


Slammed

Setting: Evening. Sam’s house. There is a front door perpendicular to the audience. There is a bush next to the door. There is also a table inside the house.

Characters:

Sam: Around 25. Currently dating Amy but wants to break up. Friends with Ryan.

Ryan: Same age. Sam’s friend, currently staying at his house.

Amy: Same age. Currently dating Sam but wants to break up.

Ella: Same age. Amy’s friend.

(Lights up on the inside of the house. We see SAM and RYAN sitting at a table with a computer on it. SAM has his head in his hands and is clearly distraught. RYAN is trying to console him by talking it out.)

RYAN: So hey. You know what I’d do? I’d just say, as calm and gentle as possible, “I’m not sure this is working out, and I think we should break up.”

SAM: Yeah, but I mean… (his voice trails off for a second) if I break up with her, she gets the TV! (RYAN winces and puts a hand on SAM’s shoulder) At the end of the day, I need to say to myself: “Which is really worse: Staying with Amy, who can maybe not be perfect sometimes, or no Hulu binges ever again?”

RYAN: Okay, fine. So why not just stay with her?

SAM: You wouldn’t understand, Ryan. I need to play it exactly right so that either she breaks up with me, (his face lights up) or…

RYAN: Whatever it is, you’re never going to pay me enough.

SAM: Can you break up with her for me?

RYAN: First of all, what would that even accomplish? And second of all, no way in hell.

SAM: Come on, dude. You don’t even have to be yourself. Just pretend you’re me, talk with her through the door, and I can break up with Amy and suffer no personal introspection whatsoever!

RYAN: But if I pretend to be you, she’ll still get the TV, won’t she?

SAM (pulls out a pen and paper): Nonsense! (begins to write furiously) (starts talking very quickly) If you do the honors of breaking up with her, but still pretend you’re me in the process, that circumvents the Breakup Clause of the 1704 Edict of Cryingbinge, which would normally rule against me. This method of dumping, further established in the 2008 custody case of Lohan v. Everybody, gives the dumper full rights to disputed items, except for a six-month court-ordered supply of Ben & Jerry’s issued to the dumpee. It’s simple legal precedent!

RYAN: How long exactly have you been researching this?

SAM: None of your business. But back to the point. What do you have to lose, bro? You have Hulu.

RYAN: Hold on, couldn’t you just break up with her and then watch TV at my house?

SAM (whiny): But it’s cold out.

RYAN: Jeez… fine. So how do you want me to dump her?

SAM: Well, I’ve thought this through a little bit. See, I prepared a list of classic breakup lines right here. (hands RYAN a piece of paper) Or, if that’s not to your liking, I also wrote a poem about it. (hands a different piece of paper to RYAN) Just read this off and —

RYAN (reading off the piece of paper): “I think we should see other people/You fed my mouse to your pet eagle/You played my friend in naked Twister/Blah blah blah I love your sister.” What is wrong with you, dude?

SAM: What? None of that was false!

RYAN: Are you kidding? If Amy finds out that I’m filling in for you, we’re both dead! You know she’ll post it all on Instagram, don’t you? Her account is literally the Truman Show.

SAM: Ugh, I know… We have to make me sound as good as possible, but still get her to ditch me. (pauses) You’ll do this for me, right? You’re my friend.

RYAN (soft): I’m your friend… (pauses for a few seconds) Eight hundred dollars.

(Lights up on ELLA, who knocks at the door.)

ELLA (pretending to be AMY, and she will use this voice every time she impersonates AMY): Sa-am! Ready for dinner?

SAM (hurried): Oh my god, it’s Amy. Quick, go to the door!

(RYAN rushes to the door.)

RYAN (deliberately high voice, and he will use this voice every time he impersonates SAM): Hey, Amy! Can we just talk… through the door… for a second?

ELLA: Sure! But you don’t have to deepen your voice for me. Keep it how it is!

(RYAN snickers and looks at SAM. SAM looks embarrassed.)

RYAN: Listen, Amy… I just… I don’t think this is working out, and —

ELLA: Oh, that’s okay! (RYAN and SAM both pump their fists) I get that this was pretty unexpected. We can just go out to dinner tomorrow.

(RYAN and SAM both sink down and cover their faces. SAM thumps the table with his fist.)

ELLA: What was that noise?

RYAN: Cat. Cat. That was cat. That was my cat.

ELLA: I know you’re allergic to cats, Dr. Seuss. What’s actually going on?

RYAN: Fine. If you must know, my friend Ryan is here with me. Say hi, Ryan!

SAM (looking up): Mm?

(RYAN gives SAM a hard stare.)

SAM (deep, disguised voice): Well, hello there, … Sam’s girlfriend. I hear that you’re really canoodling the love languages up to the stars with my handsome friend Sam, am I right?

ELLA: What does that even mean?

SAM (pauses for a couple seconds): Song lyrics. Anyway, I know how easy it must have been to fall right in love with my buddy (he draws the name out) Samuel T. Leitbrewski, you feel me?

ELLA: Well, if you’re interested, Ryan, I know this great guy I can set you up with.

(RYAN covers his mouth and tries his best not to burst out laughing. SAM leans his head back and looks distraught.)

RYAN (trying to steer the conversation back on track): So, Amy… I don’t know how to say this, but…

(He takes out SAM’s breakup poem and starts to sweat. His words catch in his throat.)

ELLA: But?

RYAN (starts to talk slowly and nervously): I think we should see your naked mouse… Blah blah blah people love Twister… You played my eagles!

ELLA: Huh?

RYAN: I mean, I think your friend should love naked eagles… (gives up and says the next sentence loudly and quickly) Let’s break up.

ELLA: But, Sam…

RYAN: No, Amy. (takes out SAM’s list of breakup lines) We’ve been together for too long. I think we should see other people. I just need some space. It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t really —

ELLA: Okay, you can stop! I just can’t believe you would do this right when I had just bought us that new Tesla. But I guess —

SAM (forgetting to disguise his voice): Wait… what?

RYAN (whispers): Don’t do it, Sam. Don’t say anyth —

SAM (leaps off his chair): Amy! Forget everything I said! I wa– (RYAN claps his hand around SAM’s mouth) Mmmmph.

RYAN (strained and rushed): I don’t think this is working out and stuff, please leave right now.

ELLA (starts walking towards the bush): Okay. I’m just going to cry into this set piece over here.

RYAN: Okay!

(Lights off RYAN and SAM. ELLA walks up to the bush. AMY, who has been hiding there the whole time, slowly stands up.)

ELLA (normal voice): How am I doing?

AMY: Perfect! They totally think you’re me! Sam’s so predictable, isn’t he? I knew asking him to go out would make him want to stay inside. Honestly, I’m disappointed in him. Can’t even recognize his own girlfriend’s voice? I don’t know how he found out about the naked Twister thing, though. Impressive work on his part.

ELLA: One sec.

(She turns toward the door and makes prolonged, exaggerated crying noises. Then she turns back to AMY.)

ELLA: Okay, where was I? You’ve been recording the whole thing, right?

AMY (holds up a phone): Oh, yes. And once you’ve dumped Sam for me while embarrassing him, this little video goes onto Instagram! (laughs evilly for a few seconds) Also, I’ll get the TV.

ELLA (shrugs): Sounds cool. Just as long as you tag me.

AMY (sinks back behind the bush): All right, then. Let’s do this.

(Lights off ELLA and AMY. SAM and RYAN are back to their seats at the table. SAM is rubbing his mouth.)

SAM: I can’t believe Amy didn’t recognize my own voice!

RYAN: It won’t matter in a few minutes, though, right? I’ll have broken up with her for you, and you can rest easy.

SAM (determined): No. I can’t dump her now. Did you hear what she said? She bought a Tesla for us. I can use a legal loophole to get the TV, but if I ditch her, I’ll never get to use my Tesla!

RYAN: Let me just point out that it’s not your Tes —

SAM: Shut up! I want you to go back to that door, and I want you to get back together with Amy!

RYAN: Fine! I still want my eight hundred dollars, though.

SAM: What eight hundred dollars? We never agreed to a deal, did we? Amy knocked on my door right before I could say yes! (flashes a smug smile at RYAN) Now go repair my relationship while I go to the bathroom.

(Exit SAM. RYAN stares coldly after him for a few seconds. Then, he gets an evil smile on his face and goes back to the door.)

RYAN: Amy?

ELLA (fake sniffle): Sam?

RYAN: Amy, I’ve changed my mind. I… I want to get back together.

ELLA: You do?

AMY (from the bush): Abort mission! Repeat: Abort — (ELLA makes the “one sec” motion with her hand)

RYAN: After I thought for a little, I just realized that in the end, I loved your — you. I loved you.

ELLA: Oh, Sam…

RYAN: I think we need to put this relationship into the next gear. We’ve really got to charge up our relationship, ride down the road of… marriage, in our all-new, smooth, electric… love. Smooth electric love.

ELLA: Are you saying that you only love me because of my Tesla?!

RYAN: Whaaaaaaaat? Of course not, babe. When I look into your eyes, all I see is unlimited possibilities…

ELLA: Aww…

RYAN: Unlimited technological possibilities from the brilliant mind of Elon M —

ELLA: Dammit, Sam! I can’t believe how shallow you are! I bet you can’t name one thing we have in common.

RYAN: A 10-hour-a-day anime obsession?

ELLA (mock shock): You said you were writing your dissertation!

RYAN (quietly): What else can I make up, uhh… (normal volume, to door) Cheating?

ELLA: What?! You are the only one cheating here, Sam, and by God, if you —

(Enter SAM.)

SAM: Yo, Ryan. How’re things going?

RYAN: Well, I think you’ve paid me enough by now.

ELLA: You care less about me than about my Tesla, you watch anime 10 hours a day, and you’re cheating on me? How could you possibly be a worse boyfriend?

RYAN: So, are we down for four kids, or would you prefer five?

ELLA (mock anger): I HATE YOU, SAM!

SAM: Dude, what are you doing?

RYAN: Moral of the story, Sam? You have to pay the shipper. (to door) Hey, are you one of those people who makes a huge deal about (mocking tone) “child support”?

ELLA: That does it, Sam! You open this door right now, or I’m going to break it down for you.

SAM: Dude, do what she says! She takes regular karate and high heel karate.

RYAN: Nope. Sorry, Sam. (to door, but forgets to put his SAM voice on) So do you —

ELLA (forgets to put her AMY voice on): Sam? Your voice sounds kinda weird…

RYAN (no more SAM voice): Wait, you don’t sound…

(A confused RYAN rushes to the door and opens it.)

ELLA (pauses): Ryan?

RYAN: Ella?

ELLA: I think we’ve only talked once, at that party…

RYAN (trying to be smooth): Well, now we’ve talked more than once, right? (turns around and covers his eyes with one hand) God, I’m bad at coming up with one-liners.

ELLA: So… all this time, we’ve just been talking to each other, instead of Sam talking to Amy?

RYAN: Yep. (sarcastically) Aren’t they just perfect together? If they could recognize each other’s voices, they’d be even more perfect.

ELLA (laughs): Hey, maybe we’re just great at imitating our friends! (RYAN laughs) Um, well… Want to get a coffee next week?

RYAN: Sure! I promise I won’t hire a stunt double to meet you, like some people I know…

(SAM and AMY both glower at him. RYAN and ELLA start to walk away together.)

ELLA: So, was any of what you said true?

RYAN: Ehh… Does it matter? Some of it probably was. His dissertation’s on anime, though, so he could have been doing both.

(Exit RYAN and ELLA, leaving SAM and AMY standing awkwardly on opposite sides of the open door.)

SAM: So, was it true, about the Tesla and all?

AMY: Ehh… Does it matter? We’re breaking up anyway.

(AMY pauses to flick a piece of bush out of her hair.)

SAM: Well, okay. But who gets the TV?

AMY: Can you Google it?

SAM: Sure.

(He walks inside and gets his computer off the table. AMY follows him.)

SAM: Okay…

(AMY watches anxiously as SAM makes some nervous keystrokes on the computer.)

SAM: There we go. Let’s see… Okay, it says the TV goes to —

(Lights out.)


Losing or Letting Go?

 

Scene 1

(Open on the dining room. MOM and ALEX sit at opposite ends of the table. MOM is speaking passionately)

 

ALEX

(Slams cup on table) MOM, C’MON, PLEASE!?

 

MOM

WHAT?

 

ALEX

(he takes a deep breath) I don’t want to get into yet another fight with you, let’s just-

 

MOM

(interrupting) We’re not fighting.

 

ALEX

Then what are we doing?

 

MOM

We’re have a civil discussion.

 

ALEX

But what you’re saying is hurtful mom.

 

MOM

I’m not talking specifically about your stories, it’s CNN’s stories…you know, generally.

 

ALEX

It doesn’t matter. Everytime we talk you bring it up.

 

MOM

If you don’t want to talk with me, stop coming to our Wednesday dinners, I don’t care.

 

ALEX

Mom, (he groans) that’s not what I mean.

 

MOM

I just don’t see why you are making this such a big deal.

 

(MOM picks up the plates and walks offstage. MOM continue talking to him from the kitchen offstage)

 

ALEX
Because mom, you do this all the time.

 

MOM

It’s only because I don’t see why you need to work for that place, I thought I raised you differently.

(ALEX doesn’t respond)

 

MOM (cont.)

This would all stop if you just found another job, someplace more sensible. I really think you’d be a good lawyer.

(Silence)

I’m ashamed when I talk to my friends and tell them you work for CNN. It’s embarrassing.

 

ALEX

PLEASE JUST SHUT UP

 

MOM

(Pause. She walks out of the kitchen and stands over ALEX) If you can’t be respectful and…and civil, just leave, okay?

 

ALEX

Are you kidding? You’re gonna lecture me about respect.

 

MOM

I’m just…baffled, I mean, I would never ever tell my mother, or anyone for that matter, to shut up.

 

ALEX

You see how ironic that is, right? Because I would never tell my OWN SON THAT I’M ASHAMED OF HIS JOB.

 

MOM

I’m your mother, I’m supposed to help guide you away from bad decisions.

 

ALEX

I can make my own decisions mom, just lay off me a little.

 

MOM

Really? And what about when you wanted to marry that girl? A few years ago?

 

ALEX

That was-

 

MOM

(interrupting) You came to me for advice. So then you tell me you don’t need me.

 

ALEX

(pause) You know, I really should just go.

 

MOM

Fine, go.

 

ALEX

I’m just done fighting with you over stupid things.

 

MOM

So you agree that it’s stupid for you to get angry at me over this, because it really is.

 

ALEX

(he takes a deep breath) Okay, I’m gonna go now.

 

MOM

Do you? Answer me, do you agree that its stupid?

 

ALEX

SHUT UP, SERIOUSLY.

 

MOM

Don’t speak to me that way, not again. It’s your fathers fault you’re so disrespectful, I would never have raised you to talk that way.

 

ALEX
You don’t know where to stop mom.

 

MOM
I’m just saying, those weekends you spent at his place ruined you. I don’t understand why you had to-

 

ALEX

(interrupting) Why do you always have to bring that up?  

 

MOM

Because, I really think he had a bad effect on you, always cursing, and drinking and gambling.

 

ALEX

(pause. He smiles) You know, mom, I was actually thinking of flying out to Las Vegas to go see dad soon.

 

MOM

Don’t make empty threats.

 

ALEX
It’s not an empty threat, the flights are cheap and I’ve been wanting to see him again lately.

 

MOM
He’s reckless honey. I’m telling you as a bystander, not as your parent, thats a bad idea. Don’t you remember when dad told you to skip school that one time and come to see him, and you got suspended. He’ll…he’ll get you into gambling and you’re just-

 

ALEX

(interrupting) Again, mom, I can make my own decisions.

 

MOM
You’re not gonna do it, I know you won’t.

 

ALEX
No mom, I will do it, I’ll do it right now, right in front of you.

 

MOM

(pause. She turns around and walks to the kitchen. She continues doing dishes) Well, I honestly don’t care. I mean, you’re right it is your decision, so, if you want to go then you can go.

 

(ALEX sits back down at the table and pulls out his computer, starts looking at something)

 

MOM (cont.)

I’m just telling you, a few weeks with him out there and you’re gonna come back as a gambler and-

 

ALEX
(interrupting) I got it.

 

MOM

I’m just warning you honey, he’s changed since you were a kid. Back then he just drank, but, you know, he went to jail a few years ago.

 

ALEX

But I’m looking right now, one of the flights, leaving Saturday and returning the 18th is only 200 dollars round trip, that’s a bargain. All I would need to do is tell my boss that I’m taking my vacation days for the next two weeks.  

 

MOM

Okay, do it, go ahead.

 

ALEX

Okay, then I guess I’ll just get this one.

 

MOM

Wait! What’s the airline?

 

ALEX

Southwest.

 

MOM
Oh…well, if I were you…and again you can make your own decisions, but if I were you, I wouldn’t take southwest. It’s a little, how do I put it…downmarket?

 

ALEX

You know, I think I’m okay.

 

MOM

You sure? I have a pretty funny story about Southwest.

 

ALEX

Okay….?

 

MOM

So once, when I was about your age, I took one of the flights, and guess what?

 

ALEX

What?

 

MOM

They lost my luggage. (she chuckles fakely) Isn’t that just hilarious?

 

ALEX
Yeah, I guess.

 

MOM

I vowed I’d never take southwest again.

 

ALEX

Okay mom. I’m just gonna go ahead. I’m gonna book it, okay?

 

MOM

(she runs out of the kitchen)  WAIT! WAIT!

 

ALEX
Oh my god, what mom?

 

MOM
I just really think it’s a bad idea, please, please, please, just don’t go, I’m begging you, please, please…

(she is out of breath)

 

ALEX
Okay mom, okay, just sit down

 

MOM

(she sits down) I just…I don’t understand why you’re doing this, I just don’t understand.

 

ALEX
Mom, somethings obviously wrong, just tell me, why do you care so much?

 

MOM

I just don’t want you to go see him, I really don’t. I promise you, I won’t ever talk about the politics or your job ever again, I promise you, just don’t go.

 

ALEX

Why mom, really?

 

MOM

I don’t know, I guess I’m just jealous of him, you know that. You always came back from your weekend visits and said how fun it was…

 

ALEX

But…I deserve to see my own father.

 

MOM

No, no, of course-

 

ALEX

(interrupting) So, I’ll just go ahead

 

MOM

No, please Alex.

 

ALEX
MOM, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

 

MOM

You can’t go, I’m sorry, I won’t let you. (she slams his computer shut)

 

ALEX

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I’M DONE HERE!

 

MOM
Wait, wait, stay, let’s just talk about something else. I heard there was a big win for the cavaliers last night.

 

ALEX

(he grabs his computer and his bag) See you in a few weeks mom, love you.

 

MOM
Wait…just…

 

(ALEX walks out the door, slamming it behind him. Blackout)

 

Scene 2

(Open on MOM sitting at the dining room table. She is on the phone, talking to her mom)

 

MOM

…and he just left. And I tried to call him later that night, and he didn’t pick up. I left four voicemails, FOUR! Right? So then yesterday, I get a text from him saying, “please stop calling.”

(pause)

No, mom, he’s being overdramatic and…and stubborn.

(pause)

Mom, I’m not at fault here. Why do you always take the other person’s side?

(pause)

I know mom… I’m just jealous of his father, he would come home from his weekend visits and talk about how fun they were. I can’t lose him.

(pause)

No, I’m not afraid of losing him.

(pause)

No mom.

(pause)

Mom, I’m not the one at fault here-

(pause)

That’s the problem mom. I know that I have to let him go, but I don’t want to.

(pause)

No, but I haven’t done anything wrong, I just love him, maybe too much.

(pause. She chuckles)

Yea, I do remember my rebellious phase.

(pause)

I guess so, but that was a different thing, you weren’t letting me live my life and…and always judging my decisions.

(pause)

I know that mom. Obviously, at some point, I will have to let him live his life…without me looking over his shoulder…oh my god, maybe you’re right mom.

(pause)

I just want to keep my eye on him…because, I don’t know, I guess I know that if I do, I won’t lose him.

(pause)

No, mom, I can’t let him go to Las Vegas, I can’t.

(pause)

Because, I don’t want to lose him to his own father. Maybe he’d start drinking and gambling, Maybe he’d never come back, I mean, he could go to jail or…I don’t know. Out there, who knows what could happen.

(pause)

I know you’re right mom, I’m afraid of losing him.

(pause)

And he’s not speaking to me. I…I’ve already lost him, on my own terms.

(pause)

What should I do mom?

(pause)

No mom, I can’t…I can’t.

(pause)

Wait, don’t go yet.

(pause)

Okay mom…love you.

(pause)

Bye.

(she hangs up the phone. She takes a deep breath. And then picks it up again and dials a number)

Hey Alex, I’ll buy you the tickets to Las Vegas…call me back when you get this.

 

A Teacher’s Aid

 

Cast:

TEACHER: Jacqueline

ANGIE: Sara

FRIEND 1 and STUDENT 1: Lane

FRIEND 2: Storm

PARENT 1 and STUDENT 2: Annabel

PARENT 2: Arlen

MOM: Anushka

ADAM: Belinda

 

SCENE 1

Lights up on students leaving room and TEACHER. Blackboard in the back with a teacher’s desk. Bell rings.

TEACHER: Angie, can you meet me at my desk before you leave?

ANGIE: Ugh, Ms. Smith is calling me again. Gimme a second, guys. I’ll meet you at lunch.

FRIEND 1: Okay, Ang.

ANGIE walks up to TEACHER’s desk reluctantly.

TEACHER: Angie, I’d like to talk to you about your essay grade.

ANGIE: I know, I know already. It sucked. I’ll work harder next time…

TEACHER: No no, that’s not it. Your essay was actually amazing. The passion you put in it made it brilliant. You got an A+.

ANGIE’s face lights up.

ANGIE: Really? It was good?

TEACHER: Yes! The way you analyzed the relationship between Anne and Helen was amazing, perfectly showing the importance of Anne’s aid.

ANGIE: Thanks! Are you messing with me though? Because that wouldn’t be funny.

TEACHER: No, I’m not messing with you, but there has been something bothering me recently, and I believe this problem can be fixed.

ANGIE: Oh god, you’re not gonna mention my studying habits are you?

TEACHER: Listen, Angie. You have so much potential. Seeing how well you wrote your essay… I can’t let your talent go to waste like that. You should choose a career path that involves writing.

ANGIE: Go to waste? You think how I’m choosing to live my life is a waste? You have no place to tell me something like that. You don’t even know me.

TEACHER: I may not know you, but I can tell what kind of person you are when you don’t have a strong mindset regarding your future.

ANGIE: No you can’t! My future is my future, not yours to worry about. I’m sick of teachers telling me what to do and what will make me happy. Living for the future is such a sham. In the present, I’m much happier, and I know things will turn out good. Adam makes me happy, I don’t need any after school assignment to mess that up.

ANGIE realizes what she’s said and runs out of the room embarrassed.

 

SCENE 2

TEACHER: Come in, come in, students. I hope you all turned in your The Miracle Worker analysis homework last night!

Students fill in, empty chair where ANGIE sits — TEACHER doesn’t notice.

TEACHER: Alright, let’s do attendance, shall we?

TEACHER grabs paper and points at each student as she reads the list.

TEACHER: Mark, Julien, Kelly, Angi — Does anyone know where Angie is today? No? No one has seen her?

FRIEND 1 whispers to FRIEND 2.

FRIEND 1: I would skip Ms. Smith’s class if she was on my tail everyday, too.

FRIEND 2: Obviously. I heard that she tried to talk to Ang about Adam yesterday!

TEACHER overhears and walks to the other side, avoiding the friends.

FRIEND 1: Are you kidding me? Next thing we know, she’ll ask her about her dad!

FRIEND 1 and 2 laughs as TEACHER continues teaching without noticing.

 

SCENE 3

Room is dimly lighted at night.

TEACHER: Thank you so much for your time. Julien is a great kid, and I’d love to see more participation in my class.

TEACHER shakes parents’ hands.

PARENT 1: Yes of course, we’ll get right on it. Thanks for the feedback!

Parents leave the room as TEACHER greets the next person outside.

TEACHER: I’d like to see Angie’s parents, please?

Young man in late 20’s gets up and walks into room.

TEACHER: Hello, and you are?

ADAM: Oh, my name’s Adam, I’m filling in for Angie’s parents today.

TEACHER: Oh, I’m sorry that they couldn’t make it. Do… you know what happened to them?

ADAM: Nah, she doesn’t really like talking about it, sorry.

TEACHER: I’m sorry, then what is your relationship to Angie? Are you a trusted adult?

ADAM: Yeah, yeah, I’m just here ‘cause someone had to be.

TEACHER is visibly thrown off and at a loss for words.

TEACHER: Alright then… well… I’d like to talk about her grades.

ADAM: Alright, can you make it quick though? I got something after this.

TEACHER: Well, I’d really prefer to see where her mother and father are, because this will take a while.

ADAM: I already told you, that won’t be happening. We don’t talk to her mom anymore, understand?

TEACHER: But surely her father could come, so we can have actual discussions about Angie’s future, and not a quick meeting before you go off back to your own world.

ADAM: No, I already told you. Her parents couldn’t come, I’m an adult, so I’m here tonight because she’s forced to send someone to listen to whatever thing you are required to “help” her with, okay?

TEACHER is silent.

ADAM: So? Is she doing well? Do you have anything to tell me, or can we go now?

TEACHER: We? Is she here? May you please just bring her in, I have serious things to discuss with her.

ADAM: You know what, whatever it takes for you to leave me alone. Angie! Can you come in, and we can get this over with?

ANGIE walks in confused.

TEACHER: Is this person your parental guardian? Where is your father? I believe he would be better suited for me to talk to today.

ADAM: Babe, don’t bother with her. We did what we were supposed to, and now the school will stop emailing us. So let’s go, already.

ANGIE doesn’t acknowledge ADAM and focuses her attention on the TEACHER.

ANGIE: My father? You think you’d have a better discussion with my father? Well, he’s not here right now. He hasn’t been since I was nine. So please, for the love of God, stop bothering me about my life and leave us alone.

TEACHER gasps.

TEACHER: My goodness, I really am so sorry.

ADAM: Alright, let’s go Ang.

ADAM grabs ahold of ANGIE and walks her out the room as the TEACHER turns to her desk with a puzzled look on her face.

TEACHER walks back and sits while showing the audience a picture of her dad on her desk.

TEACHER grabs phone and dials.

TEACHER: … Mom?

Voiceover/offstage.

MOM: Honey, what’s the issue? Why do you sound so distraught?

TEACHER: I need to talk about Dad… Something’s been on my mind lately.

MOM: I thought you and I promised we’d push him out of our thoughts… Alice, it’s been ten years. Why are you thinking about him again?

TEACHER: I’m not thinking about him. I’m thinking about me right now.

MOM: What about you? I know you did some bad things to him, but you know he deserved it. You shouldn’t feel sorry for what you did, after all the damage he left on you. Why is this on your mind so much?

TEACHER: No, I’m not talking about that either! I’m talking about my future, Mom! What I could’ve become.

MOM: Oh, you sound crazy right now. Calm down, you and I both know what you did was the best for you. Now look at you, a happy teacher who teaches a beautiful group of kids. What more did you want?

TEACHER: I wanted to write. I wanted to write whatever I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. I wanted people to read my books and be inspired, I wanted to change people’s lives! Now, I can’t even help someone one-on-one. Dad leaving made my outlook on life completely change… I didn’t even graduate college.

MOM: Please, honey, don’t ever put yourself down like this. Your life right now is nothing to complain about, and I know you can touch the heart of anyone you wish to. You have me, someone to watch over you. You’re lucky to have my support.

TEACHER: You’re right. I am blessed to have you, and not everyone is lucky enough to say that. Thanks, Mom. Love you. I know what I have to do now.

TEACHER hangs up.

Knock on door.

PARENT 2: I don’t mean to interrupt, but am I in the right room? I’ve been waiting a while, but I didn’t want to bother you…

TEACHER: Oh yes! Yes! I am so sorry, come sit, come sit.

 

SCENE 4

Lights up on classroom. ANGIE walks in with friends.

TEACHER: Angie, I’m glad to see you again! Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

ANGIE: Oh my God.

ANGIE turns to friends.

ANGIE: I swear, this better be the last time she talks to me. If not, I’ll make it the last time.

TEACHER: So I’m starting a support group for people who… have some family issues. Surely you would like to join? Maybe it can help you steer in the right direction away from negative people.

ANGIE: For the last time! I don’t need your help! I’m not joining your stupid support group, and I’m not developing a stupid little “friendship” with you. I’m here to take your stupid class so my Mom doesn’t get emailed. Other than that, I’m just a regular student to you. Understand?

TEACHER’s face flushes.

TEACHER: Alright. Alright. I apologize. Please, go to your seat.

ANGIE hides her frown and heads to seat.

 

SCENE 5

Lights up on hallway with lockers.

ANGIE: Did you guys hear about Ms. Smith’s support group? Apparently she’s starting one… Weird, huh?

FRIEND 1: It’s probably because she has her own issues with her dad. My mom overheard a conversation with her and her mom… something about her dad leaving and messing up her education or something? I don’t really know.

FRIEND 2: Ew, why can’t she just let it go? She was in school like, a century ago.

Friends laugh.

ANGIE: I’m sorry, what? Her dad left her?

FRIEND 1: I don’t know, probably. She went on this sob story about how she wanted to be a writer. Kinda like you a couple years ago, Ang.

ANGIE: Yeah… well you guys go. I’m gonna head to my locker, I need to get my books.

FRIEND 2: Alright, see you.

ANGIE walks by TEACHER’s room and observes it, then walks away with a frown.

 

SCENE 6

(Time skip) Lights up on classroom with desks organized in a circle and students walking in.

TEACHER: Hello, hello, don’t be shy. This is a support group, this is your safe space.

Students get in the chairs,

TEACHER: So, third time around, are we all getting the hang of this?

Students nod in agreement.

TEACHER: Okay, who wants to start off first, today?

STUDENT 1: Well, I’m glad to say that I’m developing a way better relationship with my mom! We finally talked about the problems with my sister, and she’s also talking more with my mom about her anger issues. She’s really going on the right path right now.

TEACHER: That’s amazing, Evan! I know how much stress your sister put you through. Now you can take this time to heal together.

STUDENT 1: Yeah, I guess so!

TEACHER: Who’d like to speak next?

ANGIE shows up on side of stage and observes the classroom, but turns around doubtingly.

STUDENT 2 whispers to STUDENT 1.

STUDENT 2: Angie’s here… probably to talk about her boyfriend. Poor thing just got broken up with.

STUDENT 1: Oh, Adam? But they were so cute together.

TEACHER: Are you guys talking about Angie? Have any of you spoken to her recently? It’s been months since we’ve spoken…

STUDENT 1: Yeah, sorry to disrupt, though. We’ll be quiet now.

TEACHER looks at door and sees ANGIE walking away.

TEACHER: Would you give me a second, guys? So sorry, just one second.

TEACHER walks out of class.

TEACHER: Angie? Did you want to join our group? It’s really a safe space, trust me.

ANGIE: No, no… I don’t feel comfortable sharing…

TEACHER: Then just come and sit. You don’t have to share. Just come, and you’ll be welcomed. I want to help you, don’t you realize that?

ANGIE: Just because your dad left as well doesn’t mean you have this obligation to help me. Don’t think you’re the miracle worker or something.

TEACHER: How did you know that? And now that you do, can’t you see that I understand what you’re going through as well?

ANGIE: Yeah… but I’m not in the right place to join right now. There’s too much on my plate

TEACHER: Look, I heard about Adam. I know how much stress has been put on you. Having someone break up with you is hard. Your parents or another person in your family is your best bet to go and stay with. Trust me.

ANGIE: What? Adam didn’t breakup with me, I broke up with him. I’m done with all his crap, I’m heading in my own direction now. But… I just don’t know exactly what direction that is.

TEACHER: Did you try going back to your mother’s house? I don’t know exactly what happened, but she must be some form of help to you.

ANGIE: Not yet. To be honest, I’m scared. I don’t know if she’ll welcome me back in. I’ve been staying at my friends’ houses, and it’s been good, but I’m starting to get on their parents nerves… soon I might not have a place to stay. I really don’t know what to do.

TEACHER: Hey. Don’t speak like that. You and I, with the help of this support group, will get you on a better track with your mom. Trust me, I’ve been there. You’ll know what to do.

ANGIE: You think so? But there’s so many people. I don’t know how you could have time to help me with all of this.

TEACHER: It’s not going to be just me. It’s all of us. This support group is the best thing I’ve created, and it will be the best thing for you, too. These people are just like you. They are your peers, and they went through the same things you did. Now, they are all on a path to recovery while also helping each other on their journeys. This group would be perfect for you. Just join us. We’ll help, trust me.

ANGIE: Okay. I’ll join.

TEACHER: Hooray! Don’t be shy, just walk on in. These people are going to be your family now.

ANGIE smiles, and they walk in together.

Off stage you hear her introducing ANGIE to everyone.

 

McArthur

Character List:

McArthur Knighte: Successful student. Pretty athletic, has lots of friends.  

Johhny Walker: Pretty good student. Good friends with McArthur.

Andy Nakamura: Big geek. Loves to watch anime and play DigiHockey. Doesn’t care about school a whole lot.

Hank Marino: Also big geek. Loves playing MTG and DnD. Makes conspiracy theories about the government. Doesn’t care about school a whole lot.

Mr. Smith: The 7th and 8th grade Academic Dean.

Max Miller: Extremely focused student. Always tries really hard on school. Shy, isn’t really friends with anyone, but everyone is kind of fine with him.

Jane Johnson: McArthur’s other best friend. Very ambitious.

Thug one, two, and three: McArthur’s big friends.

Mrs. Walker: Degrassi High School principal. Johnny’s mother.

 

NARRATOR steps onto stage.

 

NARRATOR

This is a story of Degrassi High School in Greenville, South Carolina. It is a story of the student council and the class president position. It is the story of McArthur Knighte and his fall from a great student to being expelled. Here, McArthur is walking with his friend, Johnny, on the first day of 12th Grade.

 

NARRATOR walks off. School scene is set up.

MCARTHUR is walking with his best friend, JOHNNY.

 

MCARTHUR

Hey, Johnny, are you excited for school?

 

JOHNNY

It’s gonna be hard, but yeah. It’s a really important year: last year of high school. I feel a good vibe for this year.

 

ANDY NAKAMURA and HANK MARINO, two of the ‘geek’ kids at the school, walk

over.

 

ANDY

Hey, McArthur, did you know about student council elections?

HANK

We think you have a shot at president.

 

MCARTHUR

Uhh… why exactly are you telling me this?

 

ANDY
Johnny, you’re not going to win anything. But, as they say, power corrupts, so maybe it’s for the best.

 

MCARTHUR

Shut up! I don’t care about your stupid predictions! You do this every year.

 

JOHNNY

Maybe we should go to our lockers…

 

MCARTHUR

Okay.

 

MCARTHUR is walking to his locker when MR. SMITH walks over.

 

  1. SMITH

Hey, McArthur. I have some good news for you.

 

MCARTHUR

What is it, Mr. Smith?

 

  1. SMITH

You have been named the student council for this year. It is a very important leadership role, and we think you deserve it.

 

MCARTHUR realizes that one of the things ANDY and HANK had said was right.

 

MCARTHUR

And who was appointed class president?

 

  1. SMITH

The person appointed class president was Max Miller. He has worked so hard the last couple of years.

 

MCARTHUR

(deflated)

Oh. Okay.

 

MCARTHUR walks to his first class. Later that day, MCARTHUR talks with his other

best friend, JANE.

 

JANE

You got appointed to student council? Great! Who’s president? You, right?

 

MCARTHUR

Uh… no, it was Max Miller.

 

JANE

What?! You are so much of a better leader than he is! We need to do something about this!

 

MCARTHUR

Like, what?

 

JANE

(whispers)

Max never signs out of his computer after school. We can go onto his Gmail and send really bad emails to all of the teachers!

 

MCARTHUR

No! I could never do something like that!

 

JANE

You deserve class president more than him! How could someone that shy and quiet be a student leader? They need someone who is a natural leader, like you. Besides, do you know how important this position actually is? Besides just being important for this school, colleges like Yale and Harvard look at this when they award scholarships.

 

MCARTHUR

I have always wanted to get into an Ivy League college.

 

NARRATOR

After school on the first day, Max has left his computer in the computer rack but hasn’t signed out of it. McArthur and Jane are the only kids left at school.

 

MCARTHUR

I really feel bad about doing this.

 

JANE

Fine! Just let me do it.

 

JANE sends the emails on MAX’S account, and she and MCARTHUR go home.

The next day, everyone is at their lockers getting their stuff. MR. SMITH walks up to

MAX.

 

  1. SMITH

Max, what on earth were those emails about?

 

MAX

(nervously)

W-what emails?

 

  1. SMITH

The emails you sent last night to all of the teachers. They were full of threats to the teachers as well as just being outright disrespectful. The governing board of the school has decided that we cannot tolerate this behavior. We have decided to suspend you for a couple days to get your act together. Unfortunately, we also need to strip you of your title as class president.

 

MAX

B-but I didn’t-

 

  1. SMITH

No buts.

 

  1. SMITH walks over to MCARTHUR, who is at his locker.

 

  1. SMITH

McArthur, I have some news for you.

 

McArthur: What?

 

  1. SMITH

Due to unfortunate disciplinary issues, Max Miller will be suspended for a couple of days. Because we no longer think he is fit to be class president, you will be the new president.

 

MCARTHUR

O-okay. Thanks, Mr. Smith.

 

MCARTHUR goes to JANE, who is standing by her locker.

 

JANE

What happened? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.

 

MCARTHUR

(whispers)

Max got suspended, and Mr. Smith made me class president.

 

JANE

Awesome! Our plan worked!

 

MCARTHUR

(weakly)

Yeah. Great.

 

JOHNNY walks up to MCARTHUR and JANE.

 

JOHNNY

Did you guys hear the news about Max and the emails?

 

MCARTHUR

Y-yeah. It’s really too bad. Wait, how do you know about the emails?

 

JOHNNY
I overheard Mr. Smith talking to Max. How do you know?

 

MCARTHUR

(panics)

Uhh… Same reason. See you later!

 

JOHNNY

Uh, okay. See you later!

 

JOHNNY walks off and soliloquies.

 

JOHNNY

I still can’t get over what happened to Max. He would never do something like that, unless he got framed… but who would ever do that? No one has a grudge against Max, so the only reason someone would have done it would be if they wanted to become class president. But the person would have to be pretty confident that they could become president, and the only person I know who would think that would be… McArthur! It can’t be, but… the way he talked to me today was so weird. And, on top of it all, the geeks told him he would be class president! Jane’s always been ambitious. I bet she nudged him into this!  

 

JOHNNY walks to class. During lunch, MCARTHUR is eating alone when ANDY and

HANK walk over.

 

ANDY

So, McArthur, we told you you would become president.

MCARTHUR

Yeah, I guess you were right.

 

HANK

We’re always right!

 

MCARTHUR finishes lunch and walks to his next class while soliloquising.

 

MCARTHUR

What they said all came true… maybe I am the best for the job like Jane said. I deserve it. Everyone else thinks so. Luckily, we got away with framing Max, and no one heard us planning. Although… Wait! Johnny never takes anything for granted. He knew about the emails, too. He’ll probably suspect that something’s up. I have to tell Jane!

 

MCARTHUR goes to class. At the end of the day, MCARTHUR and JANE meet up.

 

MCARTHUR

We need to make sure Johnny doesn’t tell on us.

 

JANE

You’re right. How, though?

 

MCARTHUR

I’ll send some of my friends to go beat him up. They’ll tell him to stay quiet, or they’ll come back.

 

JANE

Are you sure? That sounds horrible. He’s your best friend.

 

MCARTHUR

You’re right… but, I just, we- we don’t have another choice. I hate what’s happened to us. To think that just a couple of days ago, Johnny and I were hanging out.

 

MCARTHUR walks over to some of his friends.

 

MCARTHUR

I need you guys to beat up Johnny after school. Tell him to keep his mouth shut about Max. Got it?

 

THUGS ONE, TWO, AND THREE

Got it!

 

The next day MCARTHUR meets up with his thugs.

 

MCARTHUR

How’d it go?

 

THUG THREE

We beat him up so bad. He has at least one broken bone. He’s not coming to school today.  

 

MCARTHUR

Did he see your faces?

 

THUG ONE

I-I’m not sure. He might have.

 

MCARTHUR

(under his breath)

Shoot.

 

MCARTHUR

(to the thugs)

Keep your mouths shut. I don’t want anyone hearing about this.

 

THUGS ONE, TWO, AND THREE

Yes, Sir.

 

MCARTHUR walks to JANE.

 

MCARTHUR

I can’t believe all the bad things we’ve done.

 

JANE

(starts crying)

I know. I feel so bad about doing this. I wish we would have never done it.

 

MCARTHUR

How did this all happen?

 

JANE

I don’t know.

 

JOHNNY is lying in bed at the hospital. His mom (who is the principal of Degrassi) is

standing next to him.

 

MRS. WALKER

Johnny, now that you’re feeling a little better, I need you to tell me who beat you up.

JOHNNY

It was… some random guys. I don’t know exactly who they were. But I know who sent them.

 

MRS. WALKER

Who?

 

JOHNNY

I-It was McArthur.

 

MRS. WALKER

What?! Isn’t he one of your best friends?

 

JOHNNY

Not anymore. There’s a lot I have to explain. You know how McArthur didn’t get class president? This kid, Max, did. So, I guess McArthur really wanted president. You know Emailgate with Max?

 

MRS. WALKER

Yes. I still can’t believe he would do something like that.

 

JOHNNY

Well, that’s because he didn’t. McArthur framed him. Then, since he suspected me of knowing what he was up to, he sent the bullies after me.

 

MRS. WALKER

We have to do something about this!

 

JOHNNY

I just can’t believe my best friend would do this to me.

 

Scene changes to the next morning at school. MRS. WALKER walks into her office, right

next to MR. SMITH’S. He is already there.

 

MRS. WALKER

Mr. Smith, I have something very important I need to inform you of.

 

  1. SMITH

What?

 

MRS. WALKER

We wrongly suspended a student.

 

  1. SMITH

You mean Max?

 

MRS. WALKER

Yes. He was framed.

 

  1. SMITH

By whom?

 

MRS. WALKER

McArthur Knighte.

 

  1. SMITH

That would explain a lot. How do you know?

 

MRS. WALKER

My son was beat up the other day by some thugs McArthur sent. He was beat up because he suspected McArthur.

 

  1. SMITH

Was McArthur working alone or in a team?

 

JANE walks in and starts crying.

 

JANE

(sobbing)

I did it! I did it! I framed Max! He didn’t really send the emails! I –

 

She faints.

 

MRS. WALKER

Well, I guess there’s one accomplice.

 

MCARTHUR is standing by his locker when MR. SMITH comes over. He doesn’t look

happy.

 

  1. SMITH

McArthur, Principal Walker has summoned you to her office.

 

MCARTHUR

(super nervous)

O-okay…

 

  1. SMITH

Immediately.

 

MCARTHUR goes to MRS. WALKER’S office.

 

MRS. WALKER

McArthur John Knighte, I accuse you of impersonating another student, conspiring to get them suspended, and sending your friends to assault another student. My son.

 

MCARTHUR

Uhhh… w-what about J-Jane?

 

MRS. WALKER

Ms. Johnson gave herself up earlier this morning, but she gave no mention of you. Now, were you working with anyone else?

 

MCARTHUR

(guiltily)

N-no. W-what will our punishment be?

 

MRS. WALKER

You will both be expelled.

 

MCARTHUR is in shock.

Scene clears.

 

NARRATOR

So, you have now heard the story of the fall of McArthur Knighte. In the aftermath of McArthur and Jane being expelled, Max’s suspension ended immediately, and he was restored as class president. Once Johnny healed, he replaced McArthur on the student council.

 

JOHNNY is in his hospital bed after learning that MCARTHUR and JANE were expelled.

 

JOHNNY

By the expulsion of my friends, something wicked this way ends.

 

I’m Not People

Characters:

DARA – A high school girl who lives in a superficial world, but is searching for more. She has trouble truly understanding self-involved girls like Audrey. However, she knows how to “play the game” and blend in to survive the social scene.

LYLE –  A boy in Dara’s homebase class. He is a bit of a loner because, like Dara, he is fed up with other people’s dishonesty and shallow values. Lyle has a direct approach to life. He is frustrated with peers who are not straightforward like him and is driven away by their social climbing, political correctness, and selfishness.

AUDREY – Dara’s best friend. She is quite the diva, but not a “valley girl.” She is shallow, gossipy, and self-absorbed. Audrey likes to boss around the less dominant, more submissive Dara to make herself feel superior without being directly mean to her friend. However, she does love to criticize and judge other people.

 

(We see LYLE in an Italian restaurant. He is eating lunch alone in a booth. DARA and AUDREY walk onto the sidewalk, laughing, dressed in SoulCycle brand attire.)

 

DARA

Oh, please!

AUDREY

No, but she so did. Hold up, my shoe’s untied.

   (AUDREY bends down to tie her shoelace.)

But seriously. Why would she hook up with him? It makes no sense.

DARA

It was unexpected. I’ll give you that.

AUDREY

He literally looks like the little, green guy from that “phone home” movie.

DARA

E.T.?

AUDREY

Yeah, that’s it.

DARA

I guess she just has low self-esteem. Or maybe she’s actually into him.

AUDREY

Ew, no! Like, I love Brit, but this is an issue that needs to be addressed. If he has a beer belly at sixteen, then it’s a no-go.

DARA

Maybe his soft stomach felt like a pillow.

AUDREY

No, Dara! That’s gross!

   (beat)

Oh shit. You have a tampon?

DARA

Sorry, Aud.

AUDREY

I need a bathroom asap. Like, I’m in my Lulu’s and everything.

DARA

Right now?

AUDREY

Yes. Like Mother Nature, I don’t wait.

DARA

Wait, maybe I do have one. Hold on.

AUDREY

Finally.

   (DARA starts digging through her bag. AUDREY is impatiently waiting.)

Take your time. Really, I’m fine standing here in my own filth.

DARA

   (Gets out a tampon and hands it to AUDREY)

Relax. I got it.

AUDREY

   (noticing the restaurant)

Okay, let’s go in here.

   (DARA and AUDREY enter the Italian restaurant.)

AUDREY

   (noticing LYLE)

Wow. Some kid’s eating alone on a Saturday. That’s really pathetic.

DARA

Wait, we know him.

AUDREY

We do?

DARA

He’s in my homeroom. His name is Lyle.

AUDREY

That’s weird.

   (beat)

Where’s the bathroom in here? There’s no arrow pointing to the restrooms or anything. It’s ridiculous.

DARA

   (ignoring Audrey)

Should we say hi?

AUDREY

No way. We would look like such creepers.

   (catching DARA staring at him)

Why?

DARA

Why not? He’s really cool, actually.

AUDREY

Ooh. Does Dara have the hots for the lone wolf over here?

DARA

   (giggling)

Will you stop it?

AUDREY

You know you want it.

DARA

I do not! He just looks a little sad, and I want to comfort him.

AUDREY

   (teasing)

I’m sure you want to comfort him all night long.

DARA

Oh shut up and

   (slightly louder)

get your tampon

   (back to normal)

that you were desperately searching for.

AUDREY

Shush! Dara! That’s so embarrassing! Now, everyone’s looking at us.

   (LYLE is minding his own business in the booth.)

Continue reading I’m Not People

Jack and the Beanstalk – A Crime Drama

At rise the scene is set in a courtroom, with the JUDGE upstage center, BAILIFF upstage left, and PROSECUTOR downstage right.

 

JUDGE

All rise!

     (Walks up to bench, sits down)

Court is now in session. We are hearing the case of “State v Jack G. Killer.” Mr. Killer is on trial for charges of murder, theft, breaking and entering, Reckless Endangerment and Extremely Unusual Botany Experimentation without Permit, destruction of property, and possession of illicit beans. Mr Killer pleads not guilty on all charges. We will now hear the murder charge.

 

PROSECUTOR

Mr. Killer came into the home of Mr. Giant, with intentions to steal his golden goose. Upon finding the thief, Mr. Giant went in pursuit to reclaim his stolen property. Seeing he was chased, Mr Killer brutally murdered Mr. Giant with an axe by slicing his illegally grown beanstalk causing Mr. Giant to fall to his death. For my witness I call Mrs. Giant!

 

Ms. GIANT

     (Enters from upstage left and walks to upstage center next to JUDGE. BAILIFF approaches with book of Nursery Rhymes.)

I swear upon the Holy Book of Mother Goose that I will tell the truth, and only the truth.

     (BAILIFF returns to previous stage position.)

 

PROSECUTOR  

Mrs. Giant, would you describe what happened the day your husband was murdered?

 

Ms. GIANT

Well I was just sitting down having a cup of tea and my favorite bread made from the bones of farm-raised children, when all of a sudden I hear my husband go Fee-Fi-FO-FUM and I thought “oh, he’s probably lost the remote again.” But I see him chasing after this human boy and saying “He stole my goose! Get the oven heated up!” and I said “ah, do it yourself.” And the next thing I know, he’s climbing down the beanstalk when (points to Jack and screams) THIS KILLER cut the beanstalk down!

 

PROSECUTOR  

Thank you, you may be seated. I call the Golden Goose to the stand.

 

     (MS. GIANT nods and exits the stage from the same way she came. The GOLDEN GOOSE enters from the same side and takes the same position by the JUDGE at upstage center. BALIFF brings the book of Nursery Rhymes.)

 

JUDGE  

Do you swear upon the Holy Book of Mother Goose that you will tell the truth, and only the truth?

 

GOLDEN GOOSE  

What? My mudda? You want to swear on my mudda?

 

PROSECUTOR  

Never mind, let’s get going. Tell us about the day in question.

 

GOOSE  

So listen, I was just sittin’ there mindin’ my own business when this kids comes up and says “Hey, can I have your golden eggs,” and I says “you know the boss kinda wants the eggs for himself he makes mean huevos rancheros” and he says “I’m poor you could help me out! I’ll set you free!” and I think “Free? What a dream!” So I says, “Let’s make like a tree and get out of here.

 

     (JACK’S LAWYER approaches the bench.)

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

So you wanted to leave? You left on your own free will?

 

GOOSE  

Yeah! I was laying two, three eggs a day! It’s hard work! And to make them gold? I had to eat those chocolate gold coins with the wrappers.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

That doesn’t sound too bad.

 

GOOSE  

I’m allergic to chocolate!

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

Okay, you can step off. I call Mr Lima Bean to the stand.

 

     (GOOSE exits stage same way they came, BEAN DEALER takes same route and position next to the JUDGE.)

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

Mr. Bean please state your occupation for the record.

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

I didn’t ask that that. What is your job?

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

The witness is a known underground bean dealer, your honor. He’s served time twice before.

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

Please sir, indulge me. What can you tell us about Jack, this beanstalk, and the murder of Mr. Giant?

 

BEAN DEALER  

He did it.

 

JACK’S LAWYER (Stage whispering)

That’s not what we agree for you to say when I gave you a thousand gold coins!

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

JUDGE  

That’s enough! Next witness.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

I call Mrs. Killer, the defendant’s mother, to the stand!

 

Mrs. KILLER

My son is innocent! He shouldn’t even be here! He’s too stupid to know any better!

 

JACK (from off-stage)

Hey, I object!

 

Mrs. KILLER

Shut up, Jack! You were always a hard boy to raise! Always galavanting about the countryside, getting into trouble, meeting shady characters like this bean dealer–

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

Mrs. KILLER

–and killing giants! I should have never given you the middle name of Giant, but I was compelled by the fairy tale to do it!

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

Um, ok, you can sit down now, Mrs. Killer.

 

Mrs. KILLER  

Shut up, you lawyer! Don’t tell me to sit down! Oh I should’ve never thrown those stupid beans out of the window in the first place and the stupid beanstalk would’ve never grown!”

 

OTHER CAST + JUDGE  

     (gasp)

 

JUDGE  

Well, looks like we’re done here. Mrs Killer, you are sentenced to give back any golden eggs and pay a fine of one thousand gold coins.

 

JACK  (off-stage)

Hey, but we’re poor!

 

JUDGE  

Shut up, Jack! You should’ve thought about that before cutting down the beanstalk. In light of these revelations, you will not be sentenced to a public beheading anymore. You will, instead serve 10 years in jail. For you Mrs Killer, you will forever be sentenced to eating only beans for the rest of your miserable life!

 

The Best Number 2

Part 2

 

Arnold, the main character

Arthur, his brother

Bob, the father

Sara, the mother

The director

The actors (Eric and Steve )

 

Act 6 (On set.  The children are sitting in seats for the audience, and the director is on stage).

 

Director: You two have surpassed Eric.  But only one of you will win.  Both of you are like Michael – lazy, cute, and, well, weird.  Arthur, you are quirky and slightly amusing.  Arnold, you like being the leader and doing everything, and you’re also funny.  But you both should know that the loser is also very-

Arnold & Arthur: GET ON WITH IT!

Eric: And hey, it’s not nice to make fun of me!

Children & Director: GET LOST, ERIC!!!

Director: As I was saying, before I was RUDELY interrupted, only one will win, but both of you are winners anyway.  The person playing Michael, the person who will be staying in California for 5 months each season, and we plan for there to be 13 seasons, is Mr…

 

Act 1 (Same as Act 6).

Arthur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arthur: In yo face, brother!!!

Arnold: How’s this possible?

Director: He wowed all of us so much.

Steve: If I may object –

Director: You may not!

Arnold: You may!

Director: Arnold! You may not!

Arnold: Arthur!

Arthur: Arnold!

Steve: Director!  Why didn’t you just ask me?  I thought Arnold rocked the auditions!

Arnold: Thank you!

Eric: I will also have to object –

Everyone else (Steve, Director, Twins): GET LOST, ERIC.

Eric: But I made it!  I did better than those twins.  They’re just fools.  I should be in “Ben & Jake,” much more than the two “ARs!”

Arthur: We repeat: GET LOST!!!

Arnold: Stop talking – it’d do you real good.

Director: Kids, kids, stop fighting. I made up my mind, and I decided Arthur –

Steve: Your decision should be that Arthur should leave. Arnold has displayed real talent. And Eric, go home man, you lost.

Director: The next time I hear a peep from you-

Arnold: I’m leaving.  Thank you for your time.  See you ‘round, big brother.

Arthur: You’ve gotta take me home!

Arnold: No, we don’t!

 

Act 2 (In the car, driving home.  Mom’s at the wheel.  (Fred is the baby).  Arnold is in the car and talks to Steve on his phone).

 

Sara: I ALREADY MISS ARTHUR SO MUCH!!!  MY POOR MUNCHKIN-BABYYYYYYYY!!!!

Bob: You gotta stop that!

Arnold: What’s that, Fred?  You think so, too?

Sara: Stop making fun of me!

Arnold: Arthur ditched me.  He probably used foul-play.  After all, he’s usually dishonest.

Bob: Maybe he just beat you for once.

Arnold: Him, beating me?  I don’t think so.

Bob: Some humility, please!

Arnold: I can’t talk, my phone’s ringing.  What’s this?  Unidentified number?

Bob: Don’t answer it!

Arnold: Hello?

Bob: Great!

Arnold: The director?  He wants to speak to me?  Why, Steve?

Steve: He’s reconsidering letting you play Michael!

Arnold: What does he want from me?  I thought he prefers Arthur?  Can I speak to Arthur?

Steve: No, but you can speak to a very special guest!

Eric: HHHEEELLLOOO!!!  I thought you were dead!

Arnold: Get lost, Eric!

Eric: If you’re still talking to me, I didn’t get what I wished for!  HAHAHAHA!!!!

 

Act 3 (In Eric’s kitchen).

 

Eric: Hello?  Who is this?

Steve: Me, Steve!  The director wants to give you the role of Michael.

Eric: But he REJECTED me!

Steve: Here, you can talk to him.

Director: You’re gonna get the role!  We’ll start the show on Monday, so get some rest!

Eric: Is this just a trick?

Director: We only trick people who are unsmart or unwanted.  But you’re smart and wanted, right?

Eric: I-I-I- G-G-Guess!!

 

Act 4 (In Arnold’s kitchen).

 

Arnold: Steve, are you lying to me?

Steve: No, no. Arthur was really rejected. And you know Eric has and had no chance of getting the role. Speak to the director. Oh, and by the way, come here by Monday.

Arnold: May I speak to Arthur?

Steve: No he’s packing.

Arnold: Tell me why he can’t speak!

Steve: I don’t wanna break your heart, but Arthur’s jealous.  He hates you right now.

Arnold: May I speak to the director?

Steve: Fine.

 

Act 5 (Arthur in California on set where he got the job).

 

Arthur: Steve, may I speak to Arnold?  I really miss him?

Steve: I- I- I-

Director: As a matter of fact, Arnold despises you. So does Eric. They’re both driving here, being escorted by their parents.  

Arthur: I don’t know what to say –

Steve: Jealousy. An evil trait.

Director: Don’t feel bad. You got the role.

Steve: You worked the hardest.

Arthur: Why did you protest when I got the role, Steve?

Steve: I wasn’t thinking straight. But you’re definitely the best.

Director: Get an early start on Monday. That’s when we’re starting the show.

Arthur: How’d you know they’d be coming? Arnold and Eric?

Director: They called us.

Steve: Really horrible of them to do this.

Arthur: Do I deserve to be in this show?

Director and Steve: Of course you do!

 

Act 6 (On set where Arthur was voted).

 

Arnold: What are you doing here, Eric?

Eric: What are you doing here, Arnold?

Arthur: I know what you two are doing here. You came here ‘cuz you hate me.

Arnold: No, I wanted to speak to you, but they didn’t let me!

Eric: They said they reconsidered and I got the role.

Arnold: No, I got the role!

Arthur: I kept the role.  You two are hallucinating.

Arnold: You are, Eric and Arthur.

Eric: Both of you are wrong!

Twins: GET LOST ERIC!

Eric: Hold on, I got it.

Arnold: Stop, they called me!

Steve: We spoke to all of you…

 

YOU DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!

The Best

Any word(s) in italics is (are) for emphasis, while any word(s) in bold is (are) louder.

 

Arnold, the main character

Arthur, his brother

Bob, the father

Sara, the mother

The director

The actors (Eric and Steve)

 

Act 1 (In the kids’ room, after lunch. The beds are messy, and who-knows-what is on the floor. Arnold and Arthur are sitting on their beds, watching TV and arguing. The father comes in, and the mother comes in later, too).

 

Bob: What on earth are you watching, Arthur?

Arthur: I don’t know, some stupid show that little Arnold is watching. Probably for 2-year-olds, that’s why it’s age-appropriate for him.

Arnold: First of all, we’re twins. Being 19 seconds earlier does not mean that you are much older than me. And second, this show, “A Time to Think,” is really stupid, I agree. But I want to see what these actors are doing that is so wrong.

Bob: These are the 13-year-olds I have. Sara, I need some help!

Sara: What on – wow, that really does run strong in the family. But what is going on?

Bob: Ask Arthur.

Arnold: Arthur!

Arthur: Arnold!

Arnold: Dad!

Bob: Sara!

Sara: Children, stop fighting! What is this all about?

Arthur: Arnold’s making me watch a stupid show!

Arnold: I wanted to see what the actors are doing that makes them so bad. Maybe it’s their voices, or the characters, or the plot, or the –

Sara & Bob: That’s enough.

Arthur: Yeah, how ‘bout you try acting, let’s see how you fail.

Arnold (to himself): Or succeed.

 

Act 2 (In the kitchen, sitting at the table).

 

Arthur: You’re not considering letting him move, are you? You think he’s gonna be OK away from Minnesota in Hollywood, in CALIFORNIA??

Arnold: I mean, it’s hotter there.

Bob: Too hot for my liking.

Sara (crying): My sweetie-pie can’t leave!! I love him, and he’ll be sick without me!! No, no no!!

Arthur: The sweetie pie you called, “A pain everywhere?” That one? The one who always brags ‘cuz he’s “King Arnold the Great and Powerful Ruler?”

Arnold: Arthur, stop that! I mean, you’re right, but you’re better at yelling and joking around pathetically. And mom, it’ll be OK. I’ve been to sleep-away camp. For two months. In a row.

Bob: What if you don’t land the job?

Arnold: Me, not landing the job? Are you serious? The only thing I have to worry about is coming up with a good stage-name. “Arnold Ricassuss” is not a greatly and widely-loved name. Probably. Just guessing. I know! James Hardy! That’s so cool.

Arthur: You’re not a “James,” or a “Hardy.” You’re BETTER name is “Fishy Fishy Cryie the Second!” Sorry, Dad. The first.

Bob: Arnold, a little humility! Arthur, stop bullying your brother!

Sara: I can’t take it! It’s too much! I’m already crying!!!!!!!
Bob: Come on Sara, it’ll be OK. And Arnold, we haven’t even decided if you’re going yet. And Arthur, go to your room!

Arthur: You can’t just –

Bob: Now!

Arthur: FINE!!!!

 

Act 3 (Everyone’s in the kitchen and later, they move to the garage).

 

Bob: We’ve arrived at a decision! Arnold, get ready to pack to California.

Arthur: And what should I do?

Sara: Stay home and watch the baby.

Arthur: The one who puked in my face? Joe?

Arnold: That’s the one.

Arthur: Shut up.

Arnold: Your wish is my command! Just kidding! HA! I’m going to Hollywood, and you’re not!!!

Arthur: That’s it! I’m coming along. You’re not the only one in the family that’s cocky.

Arnold: Well that’s obvious.

Arthur: Why you little

Bob: Both of you can come. I know what show you should audition for!

Sara & Bob: “Ben and Jake!”

Arthur: Yeah, ‘cuz our dream is to try to get into a great show.

Arnold: And that’s JUST the one!

Arthur: We’ve heard about that. It’s as good as the show Arnold was watching yesterday. But let’s just give it a try.

Sara: There’s only one spot left. Kids from 12-14 can audition!

Arnold: I’m getting in!

Arthur: In your wildest dreams!

Arnold: Which will come true!

Sara: Get the baby. You don’t even know who or what you’re auditioning for. I’ll explain in the car.


Act 4 (In a large minivan, with the father at the wheel).

 

Bob: You’re auditioning for Michael, the third star, after –

Sara & Boys: “BEN AND JAKE!!!!!

Bob: Someone feed the baby!

Arnold: That’s your cue, dear brother.

Arthur: After I get the role, you’ll be taking care of the baby! “Arnold! Go feed the baby!!!!

Arnold: But when I crush your dreams of ever being better than me at anything, I’ll do my trademark victory dance.

Arthur: There’s a reason it’s trademarked! Or a signature move! WHATEVER.

Bob: We have three more hours! Stop bickering, and someone feed the baby!!

 

Act 5 (On set, with cameras and costumes).

 

Director: Well, hello there! My name is – confidential.

Bob: Nice to see you, confidential.

Director: Who here is auditioning for Michael?

Sara: My two munchkins, Arthur and Arnold.

Director: Well, you’re in luck. Only one other kid, Eric, is auditioning. He’s 14. How old are your little munchkins?

Arnold & Arthur: 13.

Director: My best actor, Steve, will help you feel at home.

Steve: Hey.

Director: Best of luck!

 

Act 6 (On set. The children are sitting in seats for the audience, and the director is on stage).

 

Director: You 2 have surpassed Eric. But only one of you will win. Both of you are like Michael – lazy, cute, and, well, weird. Arthur, you are quirky and slightly amusing. Arnold, you like being the leader and doing everything, and you’re also funny. But you both should know that the loser is also very-

Arnold & Arthur: GET ON WITH IT!

Eric: And hey, it’s not nice to make fun of me!

Children & Director: GET LOST, ERIC!!!

Director: As I was saying, before I was RUDELY interrupted, only one will win, but both of you are winners anyway. The person playing Michael, the person who will be staying in California for 5 months each season, and we plan for there to be 13 seasons, is Mr…

New Zebraland

Act One

 

Scene 1

 

Daytime, mid-morning. A picturesque mountainside. An all-white sign reading “GHOSTLY LANDING POINT: NEW ZEALAND” sticks out of the ground, covered in pamphlets for various tourist attractions. LIZZIE is lying unconscious on the floor near the sign. MAYA, her identical twin, is floating around near her. They are ghosts. LIZZIE, rubbing her eyes, sits up and sees MAYA.

 

LIZZIE
Ugh.

 

MAYA (laughing)

You sound so stupid! “Ugh.” “Ugh!”

 

LIZZIE

That’s not how I sound!

 

MAYA
“That’s not how I sound!”

 

LIZZIE

Stop!

 

MAYA

“Stop!”

 

LIZZIE reaches out to punch MAYA, but instead her hand appears to go directly through her. MAYA giggles.

 

LIZZIE

How can you be so immature even when we’re dead? I mean, I think we’re dead. It sure seems like we’re dead. How did we end up dead?

 

MAYA (sing-song)

I know something Lizzie doesn’t, I know something Lizzie doesn’t.

 

LIZZIE

Tell me!

 

MAYA

No.

 

LIZZIE

Yes.

 

MAYA

No.

 

LIZZIE

Yes.

 

MAYA

No.

 

LIZZIE

Yes.

 

MAYA

Fine. Remember that Ferris wheel we were riding on?

 

LIZZIE

Sure.

 

MAYA

Something in the inside-y machine bits got overheated and the whole thing exploded! It was super cool.

 

LIZZIE

The Ferris wheel exploded? Why do you remember and I don’t?

 

MAYA
Well, before everything exploded they did an emergency stop and you banged your head on the wall and passed out. Then the lady’s voice came out of the speaker box, and she was like, ‘Remain calm. The internal whatchamacallit is experiencing complete failure. Remain calm as emergency procedures-’ And then before she could finish, BAM! KABLAM! POW! And that’s all I remember.

 

LIZZIE

Yeah, but that still doesn’t explain how we ended up here.

 

MAYA

Okay, so after the explosion we were at this weird waiting room place, and you were still conked out when the mean guy at the desk told me I had to stop stealing the mints and decide what I wanted to do and (mockingly) “Fill out the paperwork for your journey to the afterlife right now, missy, and do it for your little double over there, too.”

 

LIZZIE

Okay…

 

MAYA

Except for they used all these big words I didn’t get on the form to go to the afterlife, so I just wrote “MAYA AND LIZZIE BEST DEAD PEOPLE” on everything and then I drew some zebras and the guy got mad when I brought it to him and he said, “I guess it’s a life of haunting for you girls,” and I was like, “Okay, fine!” and he was like, “Pick a place, then,” and he brought out this globe and I picked the coolest sounding place and then there was all this crazy light stuff and then we were here!

 

LIZZIE

Why didn’t you wake me up?!

 

MAYA

I dunno. You’re boring. You would have told me to stop stealing mints and fill the paperwork out right.

 

LIZZIE
Yeah, I would’ve! You… stupid.

 

MAYA

You’re stupid!

 

LIZZIE

No, you’re stupid!

 

MAYA

Would a stupid person have picked somewhere very cool for us to go?

 

LIZZIE
Maya, where are we?

 

MAYA
Somewhere cool.

 

LIZZIE
Maya, WHERE ARE WE?!

 

MAYA (proudly)

New Zebraland! It’s in Antarctica.

 

LIZZIE

I don’t think it is… And I don’t think that’s a real place.

 

MAYA

It is, they just spelled it wrong on the globe. They forgot the “b” and the “r.” Silly globe people.

 

LIZZIE

Maya, how do we get home from here?

 

MAYA

I dunno. I think it’d be cooler here anyway. But if you really want to, I guess we can try to get back to Mom and Dad. It’ll be an adventure!

 

LIZZIE

Why aren’t they with us? They were in the car-thingy right in front of us on the Ferris wheel.

 

MAYA

I dunno, maybe there’s another office for the old dead people.

 

LIZZIE

How are we going to find them?

 

MAYA

Who cares about the ‘how?’ It’s about the ‘why!’

 

LIZZIE

Why are you so dumb?

 

MAYA

This is going to be an adventure!

 

LIZZIE

You are the dumbest person ever. I can’t believe we are twins.

 

MAYA

Identical twins, even.

 

LIZZIE
Except for I’m much prettier.

 

MAYA

Nuh-uh!

 

LIZZIE

Ya-huh!

 

MAYA

Nuh-uh!

 

LIZZIE

Ya-huh!

 

MAYA

Nuh-uh!

 

LIZZIE

Ya-huh!

 

MAYA

Nuh-uh!

 

LIZZIE

Whatever. I know I’m the smart one, at least.

 

MAYA

Whatever. Let’s find Mom and Dad.

 

LIZZIE (starting to walk offstage)

Okay, whatever.

 

MAYA (whispered)

But I’m still the pretty one.

 

LIZZIE (turning)

What?

 

MAYA

Nothing. Let’s go!

 

Exit MAYA and LIZZIE. End scene.
Scene 2

A pristine white waiting room. In the back, plush armchairs contain 5-10 ghostssleeping, filling out paperwork, or sitting in the corner, shell-shocked, staring at the wall. A bowl of mints and a computer are on the desk. The RECEPTIONIST, sitting behind the desk, looks exhausted. In front of the desk, puzzling over a globe, are MOM and DAD.

 

MOM

Zimbabwe, maybe? Maya always did have a weakness for “z” names.

 

DAD

You know that Lizzie is much too sensible to let Maya pick someplace like Zimbabwe. In fact, with Liz in charge, all of Africa’s probably off the table. Cross out the whole continent.

 

MOM pulls a Sharpie out of her purse and scribbles out the continent of Africa on the globe.

 

RECEPTIONIST (sleepily)

Hey, other people have to, like, use that.

 

MOM (shoving over the bowl of mints)

Shh, sweetie. People are working. Have a mint.

 

DAD

Do you think they could’ve gone to Pluto or some other planet?

 

RECEPTIONIST

Earthly destinations only.

 

MOM

Have another mint, sweetie.

 

MOM shoves the mint into the RECEPTIONIST’s mouth.

 

DAD

Hey, there’s a place in Denmark called Middelfart. (laughs hysterically) Middelfart!

 

MOM

Hmm, circle it. They’ve always had a weakness for fart humor. Maya’s the exact kind of kid who’d choose a place with a funny name, just because it has a funny name.

 

DAD

That’s exactly what I was thinking.

 

MOM

Hmm. What about (she spins the globe and points at a spot in the Midwest United States) Pardeeville, Wisconsin?

 

DAD

There’s so many possibilities for weirdly named places. And with that being our only lead as to what places, there’s a lot to look through. You see anywhere else that looks promising?

 

MOM (to RECEPTIONIST)

Could we possibly see the paperwork our girls filled out?

 

DAD

That’s genius! Yeah, let’s see the paperwork.

 

RECEPTIONIST (sounding slightly annoyed)

What’re the names, again?

 

MOM

Maya and Elizabeth Carson.

 

RECEPTIONIST (opening and looking through file cabinet)

C, C, C-A, Carson. Carson, Laura, Carson, Arthur, Carson, Maya. Here we go.

 

The RECEPTIONIST removes the form from the file and slides it across the desk.

 

RECEPTIONIST

This is everything either of them filled out.

 

RECEPTIONIST takes out an emory board and begins filing her nails.

 

DAD

It just says MAYA AND LIZZIE BEST DEAD PEOPLE on it.

 

MOM (leaning over to see the paper)

And has doodles of weird looking tigers on it.

 

DAD

I’m not sure those are tigers.

 

MOM

Okay, whatever. The real question, where they are, still isn’t anywhere closer to being answered.

 

DAD (folds the paper and pockets it)

I know. But we’ll figure it out.

 

MOM (spinning globe)

Let’s just keep looking. (to RECEPTIONIST) You can help us!

 

RECEPTIONIST (to MOM)

Uh, yeah, sure. (to audience) Thank God my shift is nearly over.

 

MOM and DAD

Shhhhhhhhhhh.

 

RECEPTIONIST rolls her eyes, drops her head into her hands, and promptly falls asleep.

 

MOM

Poor baby.

 

(MOM walks over to the chairs and pulls a pillow away from a chair in the waiting area containing a sleeping ghost. Walking back to the desk, she puts the RECEPTIONIST’s head on the pillow. While she does this, DAD continues to examine the globe. Lights dim and scene ends as RECEPTIONIST sleeps, and parents continue to look at globe, occasionally scribbling on it or speaking with each other inaudibly.)

Scene 3

 

The scenery is identical to that in Scene 1, the New Zealand mountainside, but the lighting is far darker and the sign is gone. It is evening now. MAYA and LIZZIE come onstage, LIZZIE looking tired, but MAYA as bright and happy as ever.

 

LIZZIE

Maya, we’ve been walking for hours, and we don’t know where we’re going, and I think we’ve gone in a circle, or maybe not, ‘cause this whole mountain looks the same, and we have no idea what we’re going to do, and I’m really frustrated and I want Mom and Dad! (takes a deep breath)

 

MAYA

Be positive!

 

LIZZIE

There is nothing to be positive about.

 

MAYA

It’s pretty here! Be positive about that.

 

LIZZIE

No.

 

MAYA

Yes.

 

LIZZIE

No.

 

MAYA

Yes! Why can’t you ever try to have fun? I mean, we’re in a place called New Zebraland, which is probably the capital of fun!

 

LIZZIE

It’s not called New Zebraland, Maya! It’s not anywhere exciting. We’re in the middle of nowhere, and it’s awful and I hate it.

 

(MAYA, looking slightly hurt, stares at LIZZIE. Undeterred, LIZZIE continues.)

 

LIZZIE

I want to go home. I don’t want to be here, I never wanted to be here, but I didn’t get a choice about any of it, because you do everything! You talk for me, and you act like nothing really matters because you think it’ll all turn out okay, but look around. This is not okay.

 

(MAYA looks horrified. She looks around at the scenery, and then back at her sister. As LIZZIE speaks, MAYA appears more and more upset.)

 

MAYA

I just wanted to do something fun!

 

LIZZIE

You just what? What? You just ruin everything! You never think the things you do might affect anyone else, because you only care about yourself. I don’t want to be here, and (venomously) I especially don’t want to be here with you.

 

MAYA

… Fine.

 

LIZZIE (taken aback)

Fine?

 

MAYA

Yeah. Fine. I’ll go.

 

LIZZIE

Go?

 

(Without answering or acknowledging her sister, MAYA turns and walks offstage, LIZZIE calling her name. LIZZIE stands alone on stage, looking miserable, as the lights dim and scene ends.)

Scene 4

 

The waiting room. MOM and DAD are now sleeping. MOM’s head is on the desk, while DAD is awkwardly draped over the scribbled-on globe. The activity behind them, with other ghosts speaking inaudibly with each other or filling out paperwork, remains. However, a different receptionist, RECEPTIONIST 2, now sits behind the desk, looking sulky and annoyed by his job as he appears to be working on a computer. A GHOST timidly approaches the desk.

 

GHOST (shyly, to RECEPTIONIST 2)

Hello, I passed away last night and I’m interested in choosing a place to haunt?

 

RECEPTIONIST 2

Is that a question?

 

GHOST

… No?

 

RECEPTIONIST 2 (rolling his eyes)

Alright then. Just let me get out the globe for you.

 

GHOST (softly)

Um, I think maybe it’s already out? (points to DAD, lying on top of globe)

 

(Not seeing or listening, RECEPTIONIST 2 ducks down and disappears under the desk, apparently searching for the globe.)

 

RECEPTIONIST 2 (muffled)

Where the-(crashing sound)-is that-(crashing sound)-ing globe?

 

GHOST

Sir, I, uh, think it’s right over here?

 

RECEPTIONIST 2

Stupid, useless piece of-

 

GHOST (shouting)

DUDE!

 

(RECEPTIONIST 2 stands abruptly, looking angrily at the GHOST. MOM and DAD also jerk awake, lifting their heads in surprise. The other ghosts waiting all look shocked, now watching the scene unfold.)

 

GHOST (suddenly shy again)

I think the globe is, um, right there? (points to DAD, who is gingerly lifting himself of the globe.)

 

RECEPTIONIST 2 (to GHOST)

Why didn’t you say anything!?

 

GHOST
Um…

 

(RECEPTIONIST 2 sees the scribbles on the globe and starts turning bright red, looking apoplectic. He balls his hands into fists and glares.)

 

DAD

Uh, sorry.

 

RECEPTIONIST 2

What do you think you’re doing?!?!

 

MOM

Uh, we’re trying to guess where our daughters are.

 

DAD (reaching in his pocket, picking up the paper, and handing it to RECEPTIONIST 2)

This is the only clue we have.

 

(RECEPTIONIST 2 picks up the piece of paper and looks it over.)

 

RECEPTIONIST 2

Are your daughters by any chance… identical twins? Curly blonde hair, brown eyes, probably about 10 years old, round faces, button noses, died about a day ago?

 

MOM

Yes! Yes, exactly! So you’ve seen them!?

 

RECEPTIONIST 2

No.

 

DAD

Clearly you have. Why won’t you tell us about what you’ve seen?

 

RECEPTIONIST 2

Because THEY ARE THE WORST! THE! WORST! CHILDREN! EVER!

 

(RECEPTIONIST 2 crumples up the paper and throws it as far away as he can.)

 

MOM

Excuse me?

 

RECEPTIONIST 2

They made an absolute mess of my waiting room, refused to correctly fill out the necessary paperwork, took about half of my mints, yelled about zebras, and getting spirits to a place they’ve never been in their lives is that much more difficult, let me tell you!

 

DAD

Aren’t the mints meant for taking?

 

MOM

That’s the part of the story you’re fixating on?

 

(MOM picks up the balled-up piece of paper and looks at it.)

 

MOM

They’re not tigers that Maya drew, they’re zebras!

 

DAD

We figured it out!

 

MOM

Yes! Let’s go to New Zebraland!

 

DAD

… What exactly is New Zebraland?

 

(Both parents look expectantly at RECEPTIONIST 2.)

 

RECEPTIONIST 2

It’s how the annoying one was convinced you say New Zealand. So, nice job parenting that one.

 

MOM

Can it and send us to New Zebraland!

 

RECEPTIONIST

Whatever gets you out of my office faster. (sliding over a piece of paper) Just sign this and walk through that door.

 

(MOM and DAD sign the paper and run through the exit on one side of the stage.)

 

RECEPTIONIST 2 (sarcastically)

Byeeeeee!

 

While the parents are offstage, the lighting on-stage becomes blindingly bright and flashing. Set is changed while lights blink and flicker wildly to the original mountainside scene, with “GHOSTLY LANDING POINT: NEW ZEALAND” sign now in place. MOM and DAD re-enter.

 

MOM

Whoa! Well, that was… something.

 

DAD (doing a happy dance)

Uh-huh, oh yeah, uh-huh, oh yeah.

 

MOM

What are you doing?

 

DAD

Celebrating. Uh-huh, oh yeah, uh-huh, oh yeah.

 

While DAD dances, LIZZIE runs onstage. and, seeing her father, throws herself at him for a hug.

LIZZIE

Dad! Mom!

 

LIZZIE turns and hugs her mother.

 

MOM

Liz! Sweetie, we’ve missed you!

 

LIZZIE
I’ve missed you too, Mom!

 

DAD

How’d you find us?

 

LIZZIE

Your dancing and Mom’s yelling haven’t gotten any less recognizable since we’ve died.

 

MOM

I WAS NOT YELLING!

 

LIZZIE

Sure.

 

DAD

Wait, where’s your sister?

 

LIZZIE (sullenly)

I dunno.

 

MOM

What do you mean, you don’t know?!

 

LIZZIE

I got really mad at her for bringing us here and I yelled at her and I was mean and then she ran away and I dunno where she is and I feel so bad!

 

LIZZIE wipes a tear away from her face.

 

DAD

We’ll find her!

 

MOM

How? We don’t have any way to tell where she is, do we?

 

LIZZIE

No, but we’ve already gotten into the way Maya’s head works.

 

MOM
What do you mean?

 

LIZZIE

Are there any zebras around here?

 

MOM

I don’t think they’re native to the mountainside.

 

LIZZIE

Then where’s the nearest zoo? That’s where Maya will be, wherever the zebras are.

 

MOM pulls a pamphlet advertising a zoo off the sign and peers through it.

 

MOM

This looks like our most likely bet for where the zebras would be. I just hope you’re right about her being there.

 

LIZZIE

I know my sister too well. This (taking and brandishing the pamphlet) is where she is. I’m positive.

 

DAD

Then let’s go!

 

MOM, DAD, and LIZZIE exit.

Scene 5

 

A crowded zoo. Alive humans wander around throughout the scene, admiring the zebras in their habitat, which is meant to resemble Savannah plains. MAYA sits at the very edge of the stage, looking pensive and staring at the zebras. MOM, DAD, and LIZZIE run onstage, looking around for MAYA. LIZZIE spots her first and runs over, throwing her arms around her sister.

 

LIZZIE

I’m sorry I was mean to you.

 

MAYA
Good. You should be.

 

LIZZIE stares expectantly at MAYA.

 

MAYA

Fiiiiine. I’m sorry too. I should’ve asked you before bringing us here.

 

LIZZIE

Yeah. You should’ve. You stupid.

 

MAYA

You’re stupid.

 

LIZZIE

No, you’re stupid!

 

MAYA (laughing)

No, I’m stupid!

 

LIZZIE

No, I’m stupid!

 

MAYA

Exactly! I’m stupid!

 

LIZZIE

Wait, what?

 

LIZZIE joins in on MAYA’s laughter. MOM and DAD spot them and hurry over. Without speaking, MAYA hugs both of them at once. LIZZIE promptly joins the group hug.

 

The Antagonist

We start off in a blank room.  No decorations, nothing.  Only a desk sits in the middle of the room.  In this room, there is a man.  His name is JEREMY TRUSK.  Jeremy stares out at the room, a blank look in his eyes.  He picks up a phone, begins to dial, then hangs up.

 

JEREMY:

Have you ever had writer’s block?  Have you felt the ideas get blocked in your mind?  Like a wall, preventing ideas from coming in?  Well, that’s what I have.  I would like it if I could go to a doctor to diagnose it, because I love it when I get diagnosed with things.  I know that sounds strange, but it’s just the feeling of knowing what’s actually wrong, and that is very comforting to me.

 

JEREMY sits down at the desk and looks exasperated.  Suddenly his boss, CAROLINE, walks in with a stern look on her face.

 

CAROLINE

Jeremy, what the hell?!  I have been waiting seven months for you to write this play.  Seven months!  We could have had an amazing production in that time, but we were waiting for the amazing Jeremy Trusk to come and write us an amazing play that will help get us back to the top.  But no, we have been sinking further and further to the bottom, and this whole time we have just been waiting for you!  And while all this is happening, you have just been sitting here in a black void with absolutely no ideas!

 

JEREMY is lost for words.  He stares at CAROLINE for a second, then sighs.  He looks down at his desk.

 

JEREMY

I know that I have writer’s block.  And I hate it.  I’ve had things like this before, but not on this level, not on this scale.  I’m trying to make something out of nothing.  But my mind is a void, in which all of my ideas are just being sucked into.  I feel like I’m going through some sort of existential crisis.

 

CAROLINE

That may be the case, but if you don’t have anything presented to me by next week, you’re out.

 

JEREMY puts his head against his desk.

 

JEREMY  

I know.  Okay, I’ll think of something.  (Beat) I always do.  

 

CAROLINE nods then walks out, leaving JEREMY alone.

 

SCENE TWO

 

It starts with JEREMY picking up the phone, dialing, then hanging up.  Then he walks into a office and sits across from his therapist, a man named ALAN STYVINSON.  They sit for a second, then talk.

 

ALAN

So, Jeremy, what’s bothering you today?

 

JEREMY

Well, among other things, I think I have an Atypical teratoid rhabdoid tumor.  (Stern look from Alan) I still have writer’s block.

 

ALAN

Really?  The seven month block?  I would have thought that would have passed by now.  Let me explain something to you.  This writer’s block is nothing more than your mind not wanting to accept something that has happened in your life.  These events get buried deep in our brain, and happen to be the only thing we can think about.  That is what causes this writer’s block.  The only thing is, you haven’t told me of any event that would cause this.

 

JEREMY

Well, I’m not sure.  I mean, there are a multitude of things that could be the cause of this terrible writer’s block.  What scale are you looking at?

 

ALAN

Something big enough to cause you guilt and shame, but not something so incredibly terrible that you would notice it everyday.

 

JEREMY

Well, there is one thing.  About two years ago now, I was in a relationship with a girl named Nicole.  Nicole was a nice girl, but I was the problem.  I was having trouble writing this play, and I was becoming more and more narcissistic by the day.  One day, Nicole and I got into a fight and I left.  When I came back, and we drove to her parents’ house upstate.  Suddenly, our car crashed into a gigantic semi and Nicole hit her head badly.  We took her to the hospital, where they said she was going to be fine physically, but mentally she was going to lose a big portion of her memory.  This crushed me, because also I knew how much of a jerk I was to her before.  Then I couldn’t handle it.  I left that day and I can never see her again, because I know that I ruined her life, and that was just too much for me to take.

 

ALAN is speechless.  He just stares at JEREMY for a few minutes.

 

ALAN

That is quite a burden.  That would be the ultimate cause for your writer’s block.  You have to get through this though.  You have to write this.  And once you do that, you can accept it.

 

JEREMY

But if I write it, it will destroy me.  I couldn’t write it. It would ruin me.

 

ALAN

But if you do nothing, you may never be able to write the way you did.  If you do nothing, there’s no chance at a comeback.  If you try, there is a chance.  Your decision.

 

JEREMY looks torn.  Suddenly he gets a look in his eyes.  He knows what to do.

 

SCENE THREE

 

JEREMY is sitting back in the blank room.  He does the phone drill.  He is sitting at his desk, looking at the blank piece of paper.  With the pen in his hand, he begins to write.  Then as if a long time passes, he puts the pen down and stands up.

 

JEREMY

I’ve been writing for three hours now.  My hands feel like they are stumps.  My mind hurts on a whole other level.  Bringing these thoughts back up to the surface is breaking me like a piece of glass.  Of course, I always feel like sickness is breaking me in the same way, but this is different somehow.  I feel like my writer’s block is lifting, but then something is falling, and is going to crash.

 

Suddenly CAROLINE walks in and looks right at JEREMY.

 

CAROLINE

Well, it looks like you’re writing now.  That’s a good sign.  What is this new project that suddenly popped up?

 

JEREMY

Something emotional to me.  A story of a car accident that me and my girlfriend got into.  It’s provocative.

 

CAROLINE

And something provocative is just what we need.  This really might be the thing that takes us to the other level.  It must be really emotional for you.

 

JEREMY

You have no idea.  But the story is shaping to be something quite good.  I feel that this was the thing that was causing my writer’s block.  I feel like I can breathe again.

 

CAROLINE

Well that’s good.  Glad you got out of this period and now you can write freely again.

JEREMY nods and CAROLINE walks out.  Suddenly JEREMY looks up.

 

JEREMY

I just realized something.  Something big.  If I write this play then I will be made out as… the antagonist.  The whole world will see what happened in those days leading up to the accident.  But it’s too late to turn back now.

 

SCENE FOUR

 

JEREMY does the phone drill.  He then looks in an ad for Broadway plays, and he sees an ad for his play.  It reads ROBUST FORCE:  BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

 

JEREMY

I’m very proud of my name.  Robust Force is quite a title.  It shows the seriousness of the play.  That is something I have been worried about these past few months, that the play is too serious, that there is no comedic element to make it more light.  But I can’t do anything now.  I just don’t want this to be a completely dark play with nothing to bring it back.  We’ll see.

 

SCENE FIVE

 

It is opening night.  JEREMY does the phone drill.  He is standing outside the theatre.  CAROLINE comes out and stands next to him.

 

CAROLINE

Well, here we are.  I’m really sorry about the whole writer’s block thing, I was just really stressed.  You’re a really great writer, and I know that you have made us a masterpiece.  You have done us well.  Even though this was hard for you, I’m really glad that you could write this and help get over your inner fear.  That is what I am most glad about.  That you are at peace.

 

JEREMY

Thank you.  That means a lot.

 

CAROLINE

No, thank you.  You are the person who gave this to us.  We are the grateful ones.

 

CAROLINE starts to walk away, but sees that JEREMY is staying behind.

 

CAROLINE

You’re not coming in?

 

JEREMY

I don’t think so.  I think I’m going to stay here.  For now.

 

CAROLINE

Well, thank you.

 

JEREMY

You’re welcome.

 

CAROLINE turns and walks into the theatre.  JEREMY stays back.

 

JEREMY

Well, at this point, I can only hope people like it.

 

JEREMY turns and walks off the stage.

 

SCENE SIX

 

JEREMY picks up his phone and dials NICOLE’s number.  He begins to talk.

 

Hello, Nicole, this is Jeremy.  You probably don’t remember me.  You definitely don’t remember me.  But this is an apology.  An apology for this… this life you’re living.  Although the physical scars are terrible, the emotional scars are the biggest impact.  I feel like your life shattered like the windshield on our car, the fragments sprawled across the pavement, showing what we have lost.  The shattered remnants of your life show have haunted me since that night.  But at the same time, can you hear me?  I know you can hear me, but, are you understanding me? Does this make any sense to you?  This is me talking to you, but you don’t remember me, you can’t remember me.  This is me talking to nothing.  That is what hurts the most.  I don’t think I can do it.  I really can’t.  I’m sorry, Nicole.  I am.  But I can’t be sorry.  Because I don’t have anyone to be sorry to.  And that is what hurts the most.  That I am here, but you are not.  Good bye.

 

THE END

 

The Element of Surprise

Sulfur- an alien from the planet Quadra-Elemence, a slob, tends to think more of himself, very rebellious, counter-dependent, loves food, wants to be in solitude, but also wants a family 44

 

Helium-  an alien from the planet Quadra-Elemence, a snob, acts very perfect, thinks everything should be perfect, wants to be listened to, group-dependent, always wants things to be her way 38

 

Monster- a corrupt alien from the planet Quadra-Elemence, it has turned into a monster

 

Human/McDonald’s Worker- human is fearful and impatient, McDonald’s Worker doesn’t understand what is going on

 

Scene 1

 

(Helium and Sulfur bickering and yelling)

 

Helium

But we did!

 

Sulfur

Are you trying to get us arrested!?

 

Helium

Ugh! Humans are so ignorant when it comes to real politics! No wonder they are not part of the alliance.

 

Sulfur

Helium!

 

Helium

Let us just tell the police officer what happened.

 

Sulfur

Fine!

 

Helium

FINE!

 

Sulfur

What evs.

 

Helium

It all started when we arrived on New York state, United States of America, Northern Western Hemisphere, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy…

 

Sulfur

(interrupting) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

Helium

Anyway, Sulfur and I, the perfect Helium, arrived in New York State. We were sent to your primitive planet to destroy the corrupt people from our own planet, Quadra-Elemence.

 

Sulfur

These broken people from our planets are kinda monsters so no duh we had to come to save your home or what evs.

 

Helium

Here is definitely, truly, and completely what happened… (Helium’s flashback – play elegant piano music)

 

End Scene 1

 

Scene 2

 

Person

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Monster

grrrrrrrrrrrrr! RAAAAAAAAAR! (Monster runs to Person and grabs him/her)

 

Person

SOMEONE! HELP ME!

 

Sulfur

Never fear, Sulfur is here! Man I always wanted to say that! YASSSSSS!

 

Helium

Ugh! Why am I stuck with this sorry excuse for a teammate!

 

Person

AM I BEING SAVED OR WHAT?!

 

Sulfur

Or what! (laughs hysterically)

 

Helium

Sulfur, focus! Corner the monster by trapping it between exactly four of those primitive automobiles!

 

Sulfur

You mean the cars? What evs. (Grabs 4 boxes and traps Monster in a square crookedly)

 

Helium

It is crooked! What is wrong with you! (Runs to boxes to fix them, but the Monster grabs her)

Let go of me! Help!

 

Sulfur

Fine. Hmmmmmm, what should I do?

 

Person and Helium

SAVE US!

 

(end Helium’s flash back end music)

 

End Scene 2

 

Scene 3

 

Helium

And then Mr. Officer, Sulfur left us. As you can see it is all Sulfur’s fault!

 

Sulfur

At least i didn’t get carried away with all of those crazy back flips! You gotta see my side of the story!

 

Helium

At least I’m not grammatically incorrect.

 

Sulfur

Is she talking about I? What evs. When I left I did something important.  (Sulfur’s flashback play crazy drum music)

 

End Scene 3

 

Scene 4

Person and Helium                         

SAVE US!

 

Sulfur

Alright. I think i have an idea. Brb! (runs to McDonald’s)

 

End Scene 4

 

Scene 5

 

McDonald’s Worker

Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?

 

Sulfur

Yeah, I’d like three Big Macs, five twenty-piece chicken nuggets, four double orders of cheese burgers, an extra large cola, and a side of large fries? Oh, and can I have a salad?

 

McDonald’s Worker

That’ll be $500.

 

Sulfur

WHAT!? That’s a rip-off! I’m saving your world, bruh!

 

McDonald’s worker

LIAR! (flashing lights followed by a roar)

(scared) Ok, it’s on the house

 

Sulfur

Thanks! Bye! (runs out of McDonald’s)

 

End Scene 5

 

Scene 6

 

Person and Helium

HELP PLEASE!

 

Sulfur

I’m back, and this time I have a plan!

 

Helium

Don’t tell me you are using your ability.

Monster

ROAR!

 

(Sulfur’s flashback done end music)

 

End Scene 6

 

Scene 7

 

Sulfur

And then I used my ability, which by the way I get from eating. I shot the monster with my smelly gas to make the monster faint! On the other hand Helium sat around doing nothing, so ha! It’s Helium’s fault!

 

Helium

Wow, Sulfur. I’m surprised at how well you thought out your plan, but you are still wrong. What really happened was that you… (Helium’s 2nd flashback play piano music)

 

End Scene 7

 

Scene 8

 

Monster

ROAR! (falls asleep and snores along with Helium and Person.)

 

Sulfur

HAHAHA! I did it! I saved you! All of you! Maybe now you’ll treat me like a real person Helium! Helium? Ummmmmm… are you okay?

 

Helium

(snores louder then wakes up) Huh? What? where am I? YAWN! Man what did you do this time, Sulfur?

 

Person

YAWN! Thanks for saving me, I guess.

 

Helium

Quickly Sulfur, move this human back to where it belongs before the monster wakes up!

 

Sulfur

That’s not fair! Me always get the easy stuff!

 

Helium

You mean “I always get the easy stuff.”

 

Sulfur

No, I mean I always get the easy stuff! ME!

 

Helium

When I said it I meant your sentence was grammatically incorrect! Now go!

 

Person

I don’t have all day!

 

Sulfur

Stay out of it human!

 

(Sulfur and Helium bicker and yell)

 

Monster

(wakes up) YAWN! ROAR!

 

Sulfur

OMG! OMG! OMG!

 

Helium

You mean “Oh my gosh!”

 

Sulfur

What evs.

 

Helium

COME ON! I’ll grab the human with my special ability and you go!

 

(end 2nd Helium flashback end piano)

 

End Scene 8

 

Scene 9

 

Sulfur

Blah, blah, blah. (sarcastically) You used your ability to magically float the person to safety! (spins fingers around in air)

 

Helium

Pshhhhhhh (sticks tongue out)

 

Sulfur

After Helium used her dumb power, I attacked the monster!

 

End Scene 9

 

Scene 10

 

(Sulfur flashback 2 – play drum music)

 

Monster

ROAR!

 

Sulfur

Prepare for the butt kicking of a lifetime! I also always wanted to say that! (fight choreography)

Take that! And that! And that!

Monster

ROAR! (fights back)

 

Sulfur

OUCH! Ugh, that hurt a lot. How do i get into these situations?

 

Monster

ROAR! (fights again)

 

Sulfur

OUCH! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! (fake punch rapid fire) How do you like that monster?!

 

Monster

(coughs then faints)

 

Sulfur

YASSSSSSSSSS!

 

End Scene 10

 

Scene 11

(end Sulfur’s 2nd flashback)

 

Helium

Sulfur! That’s actually pretty interesting! Did you really do that?

 

Sulfur

Yeah.

 

Helium

Sounds like you are more powerful than I thought, Sulfur.

 

Sulfur

Thanks, I mean what evs!

 

Helium

Anyway, Mr. Officer, after that Sulfur and I kind of worked together.

 

Sulfur

What evs.

 

Helium

When i came back…

 

End Scene 11

 

Scene 12

 

(Helium and Sulfur’s flashback play the song “amalgam”)

 

Helium

I’m back! Where is the monster?

 

Sulfur

Right there by the curb. I defeated it by myself!!!!!!

 

Helium

Umm, it does not look defeated Sulfur!

 

Sulfur

Yeah it does! It’s right… (confused) umm, where’d it go? What’d you do with it? (monster sneaks up behind and grabs Sulfur) HELP!

 

Helium

Oh Sulfur. What am I going to do with you?!

 

Sulfur

HELP!

 

Helium

Coming Sulfur. (Takes a breath and slowly walks to the monster not caring at all) Hmmm, what to do at a time like this. Oh wait, Sulfur has disgusting gas powers! If I can get Sulfur something to consume, he can release his noxious gas! (grabs small box) Sulfur catch! (throws to Sulfur)

 

Sulfur

Good idea, bruh! (pretends to eat) HA! Take that monster thing!

 

Monster

BLEH! (lets go of Sulfur)

 

Helium

As Sulfur likes to say, take that foul beast! (fight choreography)

 

Sulfur

Hi-ya! (fake punch from behind)

 

Helium and Sulfur

HA! (fake punch monster faints)

 

End Scene 12

 

Scene 13

 

(end Helium and Sulfur’s flashback end music)

 

Sulfur

And than we defeated the monster and sent it back to our planet! It was soooooo cool!

 

Helium

Yes, I guess it was the human emotion of coolness.

 

Sulfur

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

 

Helium

Anyway, Sulfur, I understand now that it was my fault for leading you in the worst ways and not caring about your opinion. I take full responsibility.

 

Sulfur

No, no, no! It’s my fault, Helium! Um, Helium. I need to tell you something kinda sorta important. I, well, it’s hard to explain. I, I, I’m kinda sorry for never listening to you and never doing what I’m told. I always wanna feel alone so I can do something cool, but I also want to impress people like you. You mean the world to me because you are smart, cool, funny, strong, and just straight out a good leader! I just feel like I need to impress you, but the only way I know how to do that is by being alone and doing what I want. You really inspire me and I’m sorry I always act out. I’m kinda nervous when I’m with you because, because, because, UGH! I don’t know why. I’ve never really felt this way before! I think I feel the human emotion of familyness stuff. I’m explaining this badly. Me feel like her, I mean you, I mean, UGH! Since we don’t really have family on our planet I’m just, hmm. I got it! Helium, do you ever feel lonely? I feel like I like you. Will you be my family, or you don’t have to if you don’t want to. In fact, I don’t want you! You are annoying and bossy! So, go away!

 

Helium

Sulfur, I know what you mean.

 

Sulfur

Really?

 

Helium

Yes, and I enjoy your presence, too. Can we work together?

 

Sulfur

Yes!

 

End Scene 13

 

The End

 

The Adventures of Mr.Toast

Avery: Frederick, Mr. Toast        Barah: Mr. Toast, Customer

Sophie: Angel, Celene              Jack: Narrator, Employee

Lila: Bob, Rockman                 Djuna: Director

 

Act 1, Scene 1: Empty table and chair with piece of toast

Narrator (Jack: Warning: some events in this story are not suitable for gluten-free audiences. In a small suburban house…

(Bob enters)

Bob (Lila): (yawns) I am well rested, but I need breakfast. Where is my toast? Ah, there it is!

(he walks to table, seats himself, picks up toast)

(Mr. Toast enters)

Mr. Toast(Barah): No, wait! Don’t eat me! I am a valuable object!

Bob: How so?

Mr. Toast: I have traveled the world, seen all you can imagine!

Bob: (crossing arms) How so?

Mr. Toast: I will tell you, just sit back and enjoy. It was a foggy night…

 

Scene 2: a street in Paris

(Celene and Toast are walking, Celene drops purse)

Toast: Allow me.

(he picks up purse)

Celene (Sophie): (accepts purse) What a gentleman! I’m Celene.

(she curtsies)

(Toast bows)

Toast: I present myself as Mr. Toast.

Celene: How lovely!

(Toast offers arm)

Toast: Shall we go?

Celene: (excepting arm) Yes, we shall.

(they exit)

(Toast comes back on)

Toast: And that was only an example. Later on, we married…

 

Scene 3: they sit in front of crackling fire, holding hands

Toast: I love you.

Celene: And I you. I’m so glad you’re my husband.

Toast: Yes. I, myself, am glad that you accept me for who I am, even if I am a little…toasty.

Celene: Actually…

Toast: What?

Celene: (quietly) I’m sorry.

(Frederick enters, hugs Celene)

Frederick (Avery): Ready to go, honey?

Toast: Honey? What is this? Is something wrong? Is this man assaulting you? I’ll call 911-

Celene: No…Toast, Frederick is my new husband-I’m sorry.

(Frederick and Celene exit)

Toast: (crying) Why? Why? What’s wrong with me?

 

Scene 4: back to Bob and Toast

Bob: And that proved your point how?

Toast: (sadly) It didn’t prove anything, huh? I’m still a pointless, lovestruck nobody. Go ahead, eat me.

(Bob pulls out knife and fork, sawing Toast)

Toast: I love you Celeeeeeeene!

(falls to ground, dead, curtain closes)

 

 

Act 2, Scene 1: A bright light, Toast lays on floor, asleep

Narrator(Jack): After the sad death in the last episode, Mr. Toast was reborn as a…

(Toast wakes up)

Toast(Avery): A bagel?! Why a bagel? Why couldn’t I be a muffin? Or a cupcake?

(Angel enters)

Angel(Sophie): Because that’s who you are, Toast. Inside.

Toast: Excuse me?

Angel:(whispers) Be the bagel…Be the bagel…

Toast: Who are you?

Angel: Your guardian Angel…Angel…Angel…

(exits, waving arms)

 

Scene 2: New York Bagels Store, Employee sits behind counter, Toast next to him.

(Customer enters)

Employee(Jack): Welcome to NY Bagels. What can I get you?

Customer(Barah): How ‘bout that bagel?

(points at Toast)

Toast: What? No! You can’t take me! I don’t want to die AGAIN!

(Rockman walks over)

Rockman: Excuse me, but did that bagel just talk?

Customer: Yeah, I heard it too!

Toast: I didn’t talk-I mean! Bagel sound. Bagel sound.

Rockman: Oh. Never mind, I guess.

Customer: Yeah. How much is it?

Employee: $3.00

Customer: Deal.

(hands over  money, grabs toast, starts walking)

Toast: Whyyy?

(they stop)

Customer: The bagel! It-it talked!

Rockman: (yelling) Everybody run!

(everybody runs off stage, then all come back)

Everyone: The End

A Prayer for Elizabeth

 

Scene 1

(Scene opens. JULIAN is sitting at a desk in his empty bedroom there is a stack of books and a pair of headphones on the floor)

 

JULIAN

Dear Elizabeth. I had a crap day at school today. Some moron bumped into me after I got my lunch and my tuna salad spilled all over my shirt. The Grateful Dead one with the stripes. I was gonna throw it out anyway because the skulls scared Amy. Amy’s a grown ass woman and she can’t handle a skull? But like whatever, I’ll get a new one. I’ll get twelve new ones. I’ll buy every single fucking skull shirt just to piss off Amy.

 

(JULIAN kicks his headphones on the ground)

 

(The stage goes dark, the light goes up to CLAIRE in an empty room kneeling with her hands clasped looking up)

 

CLAIRE

Dear God. I am asking for your forgiveness. I missed church this morning.

 

(CLAIRE looks down sorrowfully, then looks back up)

 

CLAIRE

But in my defense it was for an entirely worthy cause! You see, last night there was a boy, a very troubled boy, my neighbor actually, he was in an unhealthy state of… intoxication and he needed to find his way home. When I had returned home after bringing him back safely, It was very late and I forgot to set my alarm and by the time I had awoken from my post-rescue slumber my family had already left for church.

(CLAIRE takes a deep breath)

I realize that my actions were unjustifiable, but all I can ask for now is forgiveness. God bless that boy’s poor soul. And his family’s too. God bless Mother, Father and Gregory. In the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen.

 

Scene 2

(the scene opens with JULIAN, AMY and CARSON sitting around a table)

 

AMY

Julian, elbows off the table.

 

(Julian looks up, and then back down while his elbows remain on the table)

 

AMY

Julian, did you hear me?

 

JULIAN

Yes Amy, I heard you.

 

CARSON

Then why are your elbows on the damn table?

 

(AMY rests her hand on CARSON’s shoulder to calm him. JULIAN removes his elbows from the table)

 

CARSON

You weren’t at church today.

 

(JULIAN shrugs)

 

JULIAN

I overslept.

 

AMY

It’s never too late to reach out to God.

 

JULIAN

Bullshit.

 

AMY

Julian! Carson, how can you sit by and allow this behavior?

 

CARSON

Julian, go to your room.

 

JULIAN

Gladly.

 

(JULIAN stands and pushes his chair out of way)

 

AMY

Make your bed and tidy up the living room, will you? We’re having dinner guests.

 

(JULIAN exits)

 

AMY (calling after JULIAN)

The living room is that way!

 

(AMY points stage left, then rolls her eyes. AMY stands and pushes in her chair)

 

CARSON

Dinner guests?

 

AMY
Robert, Janette and their children. Carson sweetie we already went over this!

 

PAUSE

 

AMY

I’ll be in the kitchen doing the dishes. Talk to your child, please?

 

(CARSON and AMY exit in different directions)

 

Scene 3

 

(JULIAN is sitting at a desk holding a journal)

 

JULIAN

Dear Elizabeth, It’s March 27th. Exactly two and a half years since you died. 21,914 hours.

(Pause)

I haven’t slept in days. Last night, I was lying in bed, and I shut my eyes, and I cried. I cried because I miss you. I cried because I need you and because I’m hurting. I cried because (BEAT) sometimes I think you wanted us to get hurt. I cried because you didn’t love us-me, you didn’t love me enough to stay. I cried because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do, Elizabeth.

 

(The stage does dark, the light raises on CLAIRE on the ground with her hands clasped)

 

CLAIRE

Dear God, it’s March 27th. Exactly 11 days since I got my braces off. 264 hours. I was the last one in the 9th grade to have their braces off, but I have interpreted that as a sign. You were testing my patience, and I remained faithful, even in my darkest hour when I almost bit Dr. Kalswell. Thank you for blessing me with beautiful teeth, if only the same would happen with Gregory. God bless his youthful soul. God bless mother, and father and the great state of Ohio!

 

Scene 4

(The scene opens with a dimly lit room with a long table stage right. CARSON is sitting at the head of table. ROBERT, JULIAN and GREGORY are sitting on the left side of the table, JANETTE, CLAIRE and AMY are sitting on the left side. They are eating.)

 

ROBERT

Amy, this very well might be the best roast beef in all of Columbus.

 

JANETTE

You’re gonna have to fight me for that title!

 

(Laughter)

 

AMY

Thank you Robert. It’s always a pleasure to have you and your family over. Isn’t it Carson?

 

CARSON

Um, yes yes. Lovely company. Robert, have you finalized that deal with the Roger’s?

 

ROBERT

I’m trying. But with a bit more urgency this time. After we lost the big sale in Cleveland-

 

JANETTE

Business is not for the table.

 

(JANETTE adjusts the napkin on her lap)

 

JANETTE

Julian, look at how you’ve matured! Is that facial hair, I see?

 

(JULIAN looks down. CARSON, ROBERT, JANETTE and AMY laugh)

 

AMY

You would see him more if he left his room and went to church. You know, Julian, you would have liked last week’s sermon.

 

ROBERT

Ladies, can’t you see you’re embarrassing the poor boy?

 

JANETTE

I remember when you were just a little boy and you used to have that grand swing set in your yard! Can you believe it’s been four years since we moved?

 

ROBERT

Four wonderful years!

 

CARSON

Has it really been so long?

 

ROBERT

Well we reconnected after Elizabeth-

 

JANETTE

Robert!

 

CARSON (softly)

No, no it’s alright.

 

AMY

Julian, how about you show Gregory and Claire your bedroom? (to ROBERT) he has lots of fun posters.

 

(JULIAN looks at CARSON, sighs and then stands, pushes in his chair and begins to exit)

 

JULIAN (to GREGORY and CLAIRE)

You coming?

 

(GREGORY, CLAIRE and JULIAN exit)

 

ROBERT

Carson I didn’t mean to-

 

CARSON

No, no it’s alright. She was always a big hit with dinner guests. I don’t know if you remember but five years ago, we hosted a new years party. She bought a karaoke machine and the two of us belted out Elton John the whole night long.

 

(AMY stands and removes two plates from the table. JANETTE stands)

 

JANETTE

Amy let me give you a hand with those dishes.

 

AMY

Oh, thank you.

 

JANETTE

Now, you just have to tell me where you got those shoes! I haven’t seen pumps like those since my college years!

 

(AMY and JANETTE continue their conversation silently while walking stage left. The light shifts to CARSON and ROBERT)

 

ROBERT

I like her.

 

CARSON

Pardon?

 

ROBERT

Amy, the girl, I like her. She’s a keeper.

 

CARSON

Yeah, shes great. Plus she makes a mean roast beef!

 

ROBERT

She’s also easy on the eyes

 

(ROBERT and CARSON laugh)

 

ROBERT

So, you haven’t made it official?

 

CARSON

What?

 

ROBERT

You know, I don’t see a ring

 

CARSON

Oh, well we haven’t really thought too much about-

 

ROBERT

Don’t get me wrong, it’s just that you two have been living together for almost a year now. Right?

 

CARSON

Yeah, it’s just that…I guess I don’t think we’re ready.

 

ROBERT

It’s the sex, isn’t it?

 

CARSON

What? No. – I mean

 

ROBERT

You can be honest, I won’t judge. God won’t judge.

 

CARSON

What’s this God bullshit coming out of your mouth? You haven’t gone to church since the stone age. (PAUSE) And the fact of the matter is, I’m just not ready for that kind of commitment. I mean (PAUSE) marriage? It just feels too soon.

 

ROBERT

Elizabeth has been gone for what; 3 years?

 

CARSON

Two and a half. Exactly two and half, this day.

 

ROBERT

Do you hear yourself Carson? You’re stuck in the past. Now I know this is not my place, but hear me out when I say that the girl won’t stick around much longer if she knows theres not gonna be any commitment.

 

CARSON

I didn’t say there wasn’t gonna be commitment, I just said not yet.

 

ROBERT

You’re just scared.

 

CARSON

Don’t tell me how I feel. I’m not scared, I’m just not …ready, alright?

 

ROBERT

Fine, fine. I’m just saying, a single man of your age, it’s difficult to find a decent woman

 

CARSON

You did pretty well yourself with Janette.

 

ROBERT

Oh shes wonderful, until she blows all my money on stretching out her forehead and making her mouth bigger.

 

(They laugh)

 

ROBERT

But seriously, if she wants get herself a job and spend her own money on those colorful powder sets, be my guest! But my money? Hell, I have a family to provide for!

 

CARSON

Women, (sigh) truly a species of their own.

 

Scene 5

 

(ROBERT is sitting on the bed. CLAIRE is sitting on the ground holding a poster. JULIAN is lying on the ground with his headphones in, listening to music)

 

CLAIRE (to JULIAN)

You call these fun posters?

 

(CLAIRE holds up a Led Zeppelin poster. JULIAN removes his headphones)

 

JULIAN

It’s vintage

 

CLAIRE

It’s ugly

 

JULIAN

You just don’t know good music

 

CLAIRE

I know plenty of good music

 

JULIAN

You’re young and seemingly uncultured.

 

CLAIRE

You have no right to speak to me that way!

 

(CLAIRE folds her arms)

 

JULIAN

Listen little girl, if your gonna throw a fit I’ll gladly show you the door

 

CLAIRE

Your parents would not be pleased to hear of your lack of hospitality.

 

JULIAN

(mockingly) ‘My parents’ don’t give a shit as to how ‘hospitable’ I am.

 

CLAIRE

With language like that it’s no wonder I don’t see you at church.

 

JULIAN

You’re one of those Jesus freaks?

 

CLAIRE

Jesus freaks? You can’t call me that just because I don’t waste my life with alcohol like you.

 

(JULIAN sits up, and looks to GREGORY)

 

JULIAN (to CLAIRE)

Keep it down, will ya?

 

CLAIRE (to GREGORY)

Gregory, will you help mother with the dishes?

 

GREGORY

But I don’t want to

 

CLAIRE

Gregory, dishes. now.

 

GREGORY

But I-

 

CLAIRE

Gregory when you go to hell because you wouldn’t help the woman who gave you the gift of life-

 

GREGORY

Fine. But I’m telling mother that you yelled at me

 

(GREGORY exits before CLAIRE gets a chance to respond)

 

CLAIRE

He can be so annoying sometimes. Like people need to learn not to talk back to-

 

JULIAN

You’re not going to tell anyone.

 

CLAIRE

What?

 

JULIAN

Tell anyone about our run-in last night and I swear to God I will find you and-

 

CLAIRE

And what? I don’t even think you remember what happened last night because you were too busy regurgitating everything ever on to my new blouse. Just saying. Plus, you should be thanking me for practically saving your life.

 

JULIAN

Saving my life?

 

(JULIAN laughs)

 

CLAIRE

It’s not a joking matter! You could have had alcohol poisoning and died! And no one could have been there to save your dying soul.

 

JULIAN

What do you know about alcohol poisoning? Better yet- what do you know about soul? What are you, eleven?

 

CLAIRE

I’m a petite fifteen! And I refused to be treated unjustly due to my appearance.

 

JULIAN

Listen, kid. You stay out of my business and I’ll stay out of yours-

 

JANETTE (from off stage)

Claire, come down sweetie. It’s time to go.

 

CLAIRE

Well this has been pleasant

 

(CLAIRE exits)

 

JULIAN (calling after CLAIRE)

Wait, kid! Um, Claire! We never made our agreement.

 

Getting Ready

Characters:

TRUMAN – A senior in high school who is in the middle of a pre-college crisis. He is struggling to find a true sense of independence.

DIANE – A sophomore in high school who witnesses Truman’s crisis unfold and lets him take up as much space as he needs to. She is a caring sister who is surprisingly wiser and more mature than her brother.

(We see TRUMAN fixing his hair in the bathroom. DIANE enters and bangs on the bathroom door with her umbrella.)

DIANE

Hey, Truman. Are you in there?

TRUMAN

No.

DIANE

Come on, it’s raining like crazy outside.

TRUMAN

Sorry.

DIANE

Are you still getting ready?

TRUMAN

Don’t come in.

DIANE

Mom and Dad say we have to go now.

TRUMAN

I’m not ready.

DIANE

Your hair looks fine.

TRUMAN

Let me fix it.

DIANE

Shouldn’t I be the one who takes an hour to get ready?

TRUMAN

I don’t know. Should you?

DIANE

Look, I’m coming in there and–

TRUMAN

You better not. I’m taking a shit in here.

DIANE

You just said you were fixing your hair.

TRUMAN

I can multitask.

DIANE

I don’t buy it. I’m going in.

(DIANE enters the bathroom.)

DIANE

Just as I thought. Bravo.

TRUMAN

You’re so annoying. Get out.

DIANE

No, you’re the annoying one. I’m hungry. I want pizza. Your hair looks fine.

TRUMAN

Just let me fix it.

DIANE

What’s the special occasion?

TRUMAN

None of your business, Diane. Go back outside.

DIANE

No! Tell me now or else I’m calling Mom and Dad and they’ll ask you about your personal issues instead.

TRUMAN

Fine. Emily is going to be at the pizza place celebrating Charlie’s birthday.

DIANE

And if you come in there with fantastic hair, she’ll take one look at you– her fifth grade boyfriend– and dump Charlie right then and there, on his birthday and everything. Because she can’t hide her love for you any longer.

TRUMAN

Very funny.

DIANE

Seriously, Truman. You need to get real here.

TRUMAN

I can’t get real here.

DIANE

Why do you still think about Emily?

TRUMAN

Because we’re perfect for each other.

DIANE

Don’t give me any bullshit.

TRUMAN

Well, it’s true. She lives right across the street and her dad and our dad have played golf together for years.

DIANE

And you want Dad’s approval, so if you date Emily then you think you’ll get it.

TRUMAN

Maybe.

DIANE

(pointing her umbrella at him and tapping his shoulder with it) I knew it.

TRUMAN

(pushing the umbrella away from his shoulder) He was proud of me in fifth grade, when I was so good at baseball and wore that Penn sweatshirt every day.

DIANE

But now he’s not.

TRUMAN

And it sucks, but I don’t want to go to Penn. I shouldn’t have to go. Brown is a great school, too.

DIANE

I agree. Why should it matter?

TRUMAN

It shouldn’t, but it does to Dad. Apparently, if I went to Brown, then I wouldn’t be “keeping up his legacy.”

DIANE

So you think if you do some of the things you did in fifth grade then you’ll win him over again? Even though Dad’s been dead set on you going to the same school he went to since you could walk, you think that if you get a new girlfriend that he likes, all his disappointment in you will be magically washed away.

TRUMAN

Pretty pathetic when you put it like that, isn’t it?

DIANE

Yeah, so will you quit this Emily bullshit? Just go to Penn if you’re really that desperate for Dad to be proud of you again.

TRUMAN

But I should stick to my principles, right?

DIANE

Right.

TRUMAN

Even if Dad hates me for it?

DIANE

Oh my God, Truman. It’s time to build a bridge and get over yourself, my friend. Make a choice.

TRUMAN

I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of time before I have to either accept Penn or Brown.

DIANE

Honestly, if that’s your biggest problem in life then you’re doing just fine.

TRUMAN

Well, I’d like to see how you handle this in a couple of years.

DIANE

Trust me. I will never have to handle this.

TRUMAN

Seriously–

DIANE

Just make a decision. Follow your heart. I want pizza. Can’t you think about this later?

TRUMAN

(sarcastic) Wow, impressive. I have it all figured out now. You should be a shrink.

DIANE

Actually, I did psychoanalyze you quite well, especially given that it only took me a minute to catch on to what your crisis is this time.

TRUMAN

What’s “this time” supposed to mean?

DIANE

Nothing. You just take up a lot of space sometimes. But that’s okay. We love you for it.

TRUMAN

What?

DIANE

Anyway, you know it’s not Emily anymore.

TRUMAN

Wait. Can you repeat what you just said before? About me taking up a lot of space?

DIANE

I didn’t mean it like that.

TRUMAN

It’s fine. I’m not asking because I’m mad at you for saying it. I just want to know what you meant.

DIANE

Okay. I mean that you’re debating between Penn and Brown because Daddy wants you to go to Penn but you’re leaning toward Brown. Some people are worried about getting into any college at all– like me– so you should be happy about getting into two Ivy League schools.

TRUMAN

You’re going to get into college.

DIANE

Well maybe I’m not. Dad never told me that he wanted me to go to Penn because he knows that I would never be able to get in.

TRUMAN

That’s not true. I think it’s just different with daughters, that’s all.

DIANE

No, that’s not it. I’m not smart.

TRUMAN

That’s not true. You’re smarter than me right now because you’re able to help me solve my problems when I can’t even figure it out.

DIANE

But I don’t get good grades. I’m not really good at much, to be honest. So that’s why he doesn’t put pressure on me like he does with you.

TRUMAN

Believe me, you don’t want Dad putting pressure on you.

DIANE

Not saying that I do, but I would trade with you in a second. Your problem isn’t as big as you think it is.

TRUMAN

True.

DIANE

All you have to do is get some independence. And that’s easy for an eighteen-year-old guy to do.

TRUMAN

I guess so.

DIANE

So just try to do the right thing. And I know we both know what that is.

TRUMAN

What is it?

DIANE

You’re not a fifth grader who’s going to be satisfied as long as Dad is proud of him. You’re a senior in high school now and you’re going to be great out there. It’s your life so you’ve gotta take control.

TRUMAN

Thanks. I know you’re right.

DIANE

Me too.

TRUMAN

I’m going to Brown. But hey, forget about me. You wanted pizza, right?

DIANE

You don’t even know.

TRUMAN

Yeah, let’s focus on you now.

(TRUMAN and DIANE exit.)

Nobody in this Story Is a Cannibal

(No props will be used except the two chairs, everything else must be mimed)

 

Two guys (mid to late 20s) sit on chairs, an equal distance apart. They both talk directly to the audience and they never look at one another.

 

ADAM

We’d stay up all night, talking. On our phones. We’d just wait until midnight came. That was our signal. Midnight meant that we had to power down and go to sleep.

 

JAMES

Sometimes, we’d just stall for a while. We never wanted to stop talking, but, we’d sometimes run out of things to say. We’d fill our conversations with padding, useless shit. Always keeping our eyes on the clocks, and then the minute it changed from 11:59 to 12 it was over. At midnight we’d stop talking, and that’d be it. We’d stay up for hours, waiting, dreading, midnight.

 

Adam and James pick up their chairs and place them at the bottom of center stage, Adam exits stage right. James sits down in one of the chairs, as if there’s a table in front of him.

Adam walks through the door, as if not to disturb anyone. He goes to the fridge and grabs a pitcher of water. Adam appears not to notice James.

JAMES

You want dinner?.

 

Adam does not respond.

 

JAMES

It’s sitting there. In the oven, I mean. It’s black and crusty now. Want it?

 

Adam still does not respond.

 

 

JAMES

The timer went off, but I ignored it. I finally pulled the lasagna out of the oven when the fire alarm started screaming. The batteries are on the counter over there.

 

ADAM

James. What’s this about?

 

JAMES

What’s this about? Maybe the fact that you’ve been gone, for a few hours.

 

ADAM

So?

 

JAMES

Do you know how long I was sitting here?

 

ADAM

What?

 

JAMES

Do you know how long I was sitting here?

 

ADAM

I don’t know, a few hours.

 

JAMES

Five. I have been sitting at this fucking table for five hours.

 

ADAM

So?

 

JAMES

I’ve been here since seven, when you said you’d be home, when you’re always home. I just kept sitting here thinking, that you were gonna be home at any minute. Do you know what happened, Adam? Do you?

 

ADAM

I never showed up.

 

JAMES

Yeah, you never did.

 

ADAM

So, I’m here now.

 

James and Adam break out of character and reset the chairs back to their original positions.

 

JAMES

The first time I knew he liked me we were sitting on his couch, playing Mortal Kombat and he just reached for my thigh. But, it wasn’t like that, it was less about sex and more about touch. There wasn’t anything erotic about it, it was more about wanting to just be near someone. To share their energy. It was, it was pretty sweet. He was always so weird, so unintentionally awkward, seeing him like this. Seeing Adam vulnerable, watching him put his feelings out there, it was, it was something.

 

ADAM

There’s a weird sense of emotion that runs through you when you just go with your gut. When you feel this urge rise up inside you, and you ask yourself “is it worth it?” Then all the possible outcomes start racing through your head at ridiculously fast speeds. It’s a great feeling to just, you know, do something that you actually wanna do. Not having to run every thought by your inner critic for approval. Just doing something for the hell of it.

 

Adam and James put the chairs back in the apartment setting.

 

JAMES

It doesn’t fucking matter that you’re here now.

 

ADAM

Stop freaking out, man.

 

JAMES

Don’t call me “man.” We’re not having a conversation, we aren’t two bros talking about their days, we’re not supposed to be friends right now.

 

 

ADAM

God, you always do this, you put people into little boxes, you organize us, you, you just try and fit everything into a tiny little compartment so everything can go your way. Do you want to know something? Do you?

 

JAMES

What?

 

ADAM

Right now, we aren’t supposed to be anything. We are having a conversation. And we are friends, alright. You’re so stupid sometimes, you try and make everything work in your fucked up favor and it’s never going to work. So stop it, stop saying what we can and can’t be, stop directing everything I say or do or think about doing because it’s stupid. You’re stupid. (pause) I’m going to bed.

 

JAMES

Fine, leave. Go to bed, see if I care. You know what I’m gonna do I’m going to take all of the food in the fridge and stuff it into the oven, then I’ll tape it shut and crank up everything as high as it can go then the building can fill with smoke and then everyone can asphyxiate.

 

ADAM

Fine. Kill us all, see if I care.

 

JAMES

I will.

 

ADAM

Good.

 

JAMES

I’m gonna do it.

 

 

ADAM

No, you’re not going to do it. You’re just saying stupid shit to get me to feel bad for you, to understand your pain. Well you know what, I don’t give a fuck.

 

 

JAMES

C’mon, this isn’t us. Why don’t we go into the bedroom, and I’ll let you do anything to me. Or. On me.

 

 

ADAM

Do you know how sex with you feels? It’s disgusting. It makes me feel disgusting. It’s awful, and it’s gross, and it feels like punishment. I hate it, I hate everything about it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

 

Chairs return to side-by-side positions

 

ADAM

The first time we had sex, it was awkward, it was weird. There was so much we didn’t know about each other’s bodies. Constantly asking if the other felt ‘OK’

 

JAMES

There was tension. And fear. But also passion and care. A weird concoction of different emotions. A balance of acids and bleach. Cancelling each other out, the bad and the good. The hate and the love, everything. It was something like, lightning in a bottle. Never could happen again. It was perfect.

 

ADAM

The second time, we were more adjusted to, well, everything. That’s the thing about sex, it isn’t romantic, or loving. It’s everything. It can be beautiful and passionate, but also disgusting and awful. I guess that’s what makes sex so cool.

 

Back to apartment.

 

JAMES

You hate it?

 

ADAM

Yes, I hate it.

 

JAMES

Alright.

 

ADAM

Sorry. I am. You know that I..that I care about you.

 

JAMES

But you don’t love me, right

 

ADAM

When did I ever say I didn’t love you?

 

JAMES

Right then, when you stuttered.

 

ADAM

I was thinking.

 

JAMES

You weren’t thinking.

 

ADAM

Fine, I wasn’t thinking.

 

Pause.

 

JAMES

You think I’m dumb.

 

ADAM

I don’t think you’re dumb.

 

 

JAMES

Yeah you do.

 

ADAM

I don’t.

 

JAMES

Yes, you do you’v-

 

ADAM

I think you’re very smart.

 

JAMES

You always thought that I-

 

ADAM

I don’t think that you’re dumb.

 

JAMES

That I was an idiot, and that I wasn’t-

 

ADAM

Shut up. Stop talking, please, just shut up.

 

Chairs move back to side by side positions.

 

JAMES

I wanted red hair in high school, like, I really wanted red hair. But Adam told me that I’d look like an idiot, what’s the point, I basically am a idiot.

 

ADAM

He bought this weird hair dye off of Amazon, and a bleaching kit too. I swear he looked insane. Then he started getting tattoos. What he called art ruined his body, it made his skin ugly.

 

 

JAMES

I was told that changing my hair was unnatural, that I would be gawked at and nobody would ever take me seriously. No one ever asked me how I’d feel, how having exciting hair would make me feel. They were trying to protect me, that’s what they said, that they wanted to protect me from what. I didn’t care if anyone leered at me while I walked down the streets. I didn’t mind if people called me freak, I was a freak, I am a freak.

 

ADAM

We were walking down the street, holding hands, and this old lady just stared at James. I knew it was because of his hair, that stupid fucking dye job.

 

JAMES (Looking directly at Adam)

Maybe it’s because we’re gay, Adam. Did you ever think of that?

 

ADAM (In response to James)

You looked like a fucking retard.

 

JAMES

Did you ever stop and think about how happy I was with my hair. How it made me feel beautiful.

 

ADAM

You didn’t look beautiful, you’re beautiful when you don’t have some weird chemicals in your hair or ink shoved in your body.

 

JAMES

But I felt beautiful, I feel beautiful. I don’t care what you think about what I’ve chosen to do to my body and-

 

ADAM
Stop it. James you have got to understand-

 

James gets out of his chair

 

JAMES

Stop it, stop doing that, please. I hate it when you talk to me like I’m fucking five. I’m not five, so stop treating me like I’m a child because I’m not a goddam child.

 

ADAM

You’re right. You’re not a child. But you-

 

JAMES

There’s always a fucking but. Why can’t you just admit that I was right, just once.

 

Neither of them say anything, for a very long time.

 

JAMES

Just tell me. (pause) Why you were out until midnight.

 

Adam says nothing.

 

JAMES

Please?

 

ADAM

I was in the park.

 

JAMES

The park?

 

 

ADAM

Thinking. Sometimes, late at night, I go into the park and I lay on the grass and I just think. I look at the sky, I look at the stars. I just think.

 

James picks up a chair and sits down.

 

JAMES
Do you think I’m an idiot?

 

ADAM

What?

 

JAMES

Do you think that I’m an idiot, because you think that I’m going to believe that you go into the fucking park to think for hours on end. That you lay on the grass, in the dark and-

 

ADAM

Shut up! Just shut up, please. God.

 

JAMES

No. Listen to me.

 

ADAM

No. Just listen to me. Please.

 

JAMES

Just tell me where you went.

 

ADAM

I was in the park.

 

JAMES

No you weren’t.

 

ADAM

Fine. I wasn’t laying in the grass. I wasn’t looking at the stars. I wasn’t even in the park. I was out.

JAMES

Where?

 

ADAM

Just out.

 

JAMES

Just fucking tell me.

 

ADAM

Why do you care?

 

JAMES

I just wanna know.

 

ADAM

Why?

 

JAMES

Because I want us to work out.

 

ADAM

That’s it, you just want everything to be fine and dandy again. (Pause) Just face it, it’s never going to be okay again. This is it.

Adam walks towards the door.

 

JAMES

Where are you going now?

 

ADAM

Out.

Adam opens the door.

JAMES

Where?

 

ADAM

Just out.

Adam shuts the door.