At rise the scene is set in a courtroom, with the JUDGE upstage center, BAILIFF upstage left, and PROSECUTOR downstage right.
JUDGE
All rise!
(Walks up to bench, sits down)
Court is now in session. We are hearing the case of “State v Jack G. Killer.” Mr. Killer is on trial for charges of murder, theft, breaking and entering, Reckless Endangerment and Extremely Unusual Botany Experimentation without Permit, destruction of property, and possession of illicit beans. Mr Killer pleads not guilty on all charges. We will now hear the murder charge.
PROSECUTOR
Mr. Killer came into the home of Mr. Giant, with intentions to steal his golden goose. Upon finding the thief, Mr. Giant went in pursuit to reclaim his stolen property. Seeing he was chased, Mr Killer brutally murdered Mr. Giant with an axe by slicing his illegally grown beanstalk causing Mr. Giant to fall to his death. For my witness I call Mrs. Giant!
Ms. GIANT
(Enters from upstage left and walks to upstage center next to JUDGE. BAILIFF approaches with book of Nursery Rhymes.)
I swear upon the Holy Book of Mother Goose that I will tell the truth, and only the truth.
(BAILIFF returns to previous stage position.)
PROSECUTOR
Mrs. Giant, would you describe what happened the day your husband was murdered?
Ms. GIANT
Well I was just sitting down having a cup of tea and my favorite bread made from the bones of farm-raised children, when all of a sudden I hear my husband go Fee-Fi-FO-FUM and I thought “oh, he’s probably lost the remote again.” But I see him chasing after this human boy and saying “He stole my goose! Get the oven heated up!” and I said “ah, do it yourself.” And the next thing I know, he’s climbing down the beanstalk when (points to Jack and screams) THIS KILLER cut the beanstalk down!
PROSECUTOR
Thank you, you may be seated. I call the Golden Goose to the stand.
(MS. GIANT nods and exits the stage from the same way she came. The GOLDEN GOOSE enters from the same side and takes the same position by the JUDGE at upstage center. BALIFF brings the book of Nursery Rhymes.)
JUDGE
Do you swear upon the Holy Book of Mother Goose that you will tell the truth, and only the truth?
GOLDEN GOOSE
What? My mudda? You want to swear on my mudda?
PROSECUTOR
Never mind, let’s get going. Tell us about the day in question.
GOOSE
So listen, I was just sittin’ there mindin’ my own business when this kids comes up and says “Hey, can I have your golden eggs,” and I says “you know the boss kinda wants the eggs for himself he makes mean huevos rancheros” and he says “I’m poor you could help me out! I’ll set you free!” and I think “Free? What a dream!” So I says, “Let’s make like a tree and get out of here.
(JACK’S LAWYER approaches the bench.)
JACK’S LAWYER
So you wanted to leave? You left on your own free will?
GOOSE
Yeah! I was laying two, three eggs a day! It’s hard work! And to make them gold? I had to eat those chocolate gold coins with the wrappers.
JACK’S LAWYER
That doesn’t sound too bad.
GOOSE
I’m allergic to chocolate!
JACK’S LAWYER
Okay, you can step off. I call Mr Lima Bean to the stand.
(GOOSE exits stage same way they came, BEAN DEALER takes same route and position next to the JUDGE.)
JACK’S LAWYER
Mr. Bean please state your occupation for the record.
BEAN DEALER
I didn’t do it.
JACK’S LAWYER
I didn’t ask that that. What is your job?
BEAN DEALER
I didn’t do it.
JACK’S LAWYER
The witness is a known underground bean dealer, your honor. He’s served time twice before.
BEAN DEALER
I didn’t do it.
JACK’S LAWYER
Please sir, indulge me. What can you tell us about Jack, this beanstalk, and the murder of Mr. Giant?
BEAN DEALER
He did it.
JACK’S LAWYER (Stage whispering)
That’s not what we agree for you to say when I gave you a thousand gold coins!
BEAN DEALER
I didn’t do it.
JUDGE
That’s enough! Next witness.
JACK’S LAWYER
I call Mrs. Killer, the defendant’s mother, to the stand!
Mrs. KILLER
My son is innocent! He shouldn’t even be here! He’s too stupid to know any better!
JACK (from off-stage)
Hey, I object!
Mrs. KILLER
Shut up, Jack! You were always a hard boy to raise! Always galavanting about the countryside, getting into trouble, meeting shady characters like this bean dealer–
BEAN DEALER
I didn’t do it.
Mrs. KILLER
–and killing giants! I should have never given you the middle name of Giant, but I was compelled by the fairy tale to do it!
JACK’S LAWYER
Um, ok, you can sit down now, Mrs. Killer.
Mrs. KILLER
Shut up, you lawyer! Don’t tell me to sit down! Oh I should’ve never thrown those stupid beans out of the window in the first place and the stupid beanstalk would’ve never grown!”
OTHER CAST + JUDGE
(gasp)
JUDGE
Well, looks like we’re done here. Mrs Killer, you are sentenced to give back any golden eggs and pay a fine of one thousand gold coins.
JACK (off-stage)
Hey, but we’re poor!
JUDGE
Shut up, Jack! You should’ve thought about that before cutting down the beanstalk. In light of these revelations, you will not be sentenced to a public beheading anymore. You will, instead serve 10 years in jail. For you Mrs Killer, you will forever be sentenced to eating only beans for the rest of your miserable life!