“Bob (Lila): (yawns) I am well rested, but I need breakfast. Where is my toast? Ah, there it is! (he walks to table, seats himself, picks up toast)
(Mr. Toast enters)Mr. Toast(Barah): No, wait! Don’t eat me! I am a valuable object”
Avery: Frederick, Mr. Toast Barah: Mr. Toast, Customer
Sophie: Angel, Celene Jack: Narrator, Employee
Lila: Bob, Rockman Djuna: Director
Act 1, Scene 1: Empty table and chair with piece of toast
Narrator (Jack: Warning: some events in this story are not suitable for gluten-free audiences. In a small suburban house…
Bob (Lila): (yawns) I am well rested, but I need breakfast. Where is my toast? Ah, there it is!
(he walks to table, seats himself, picks up toast)
(Mr. Toast enters)
Mr. Toast(Barah): No, wait! Don’t eat me! I am a valuable object!
Bob: How so?
Mr. Toast: I have traveled the world, seen all you can imagine!
Bob: (crossing arms) How so?
Mr. Toast: I will tell you, just sit back and enjoy. It was a foggy night…
Scene 2: a street in Paris
(Celene and Toast are walking, Celene drops purse)
Toast: Allow me.
(he picks up purse)
Celene (Sophie): (accepts purse) What a gentleman! I’m Celene.
Toast: I present myself as Mr. Toast.
Celene: How lovely!
(Toast offers arm)
Toast: Shall we go?
Celene: (excepting arm) Yes, we shall.
(Toast comes back on)
Toast: And that was only an example. Later on, we married…
Scene 3: they sit in front of crackling fire, holding hands
Toast: I love you.
Celene: And I you. I’m so glad you’re my husband.
Toast: Yes. I, myself, am glad that you accept me for who I am, even if I am a little…toasty.
Celene: (quietly) I’m sorry.
(Frederick enters, hugs Celene)
Frederick (Avery): Ready to go, honey?
Toast: Honey? What is this? Is something wrong? Is this man assaulting you? I’ll call 911-
Celene: No…Toast, Frederick is my new husband-I’m sorry.
(Frederick and Celene exit)
Toast: (crying) Why? Why? What’s wrong with me?
Scene 4: back to Bob and Toast
Bob: And that proved your point how?
Toast: (sadly) It didn’t prove anything, huh? I’m still a pointless, lovestruck nobody. Go ahead, eat me.
(Bob pulls out knife and fork, sawing Toast)
Toast: I love you Celeeeeeeene!
(falls to ground, dead, curtain closes)
Act 2, Scene 1: A bright light, Toast lays on floor, asleep
Narrator(Jack): After the sad death in the last episode, Mr. Toast was reborn as a…
(Toast wakes up)
Toast(Avery): A bagel?! Why a bagel? Why couldn’t I be a muffin? Or a cupcake?
Angel(Sophie): Because that’s who you are, Toast. Inside.
Toast: Excuse me?
Angel:(whispers) Be the bagel…Be the bagel…
Toast: Who are you?
Angel: Your guardian Angel…Angel…Angel…
(exits, waving arms)
Scene 2: New York Bagels Store, Employee sits behind counter, Toast next to him.
Employee(Jack): Welcome to NY Bagels. What can I get you?
Customer(Barah): How ‘bout that bagel?
(points at Toast)
Toast: What? No! You can’t take me! I don’t want to die AGAIN!
(Rockman walks over)
Rockman: Excuse me, but did that bagel just talk?
Customer: Yeah, I heard it too!
Toast: I didn’t talk-I mean! Bagel sound. Bagel sound.
Rockman: Oh. Never mind, I guess.
Customer: Yeah. How much is it?
(hands over money, grabs toast, starts walking)
Customer: The bagel! It-it talked!
Rockman: (yelling) Everybody run!
(everybody runs off stage, then all come back)
Everyone: The End