A collection of current-event satires in the style of The Onion
Tragedy Strikes Cast of Finding Bigfoot, When They Actually Find Bigfoot
Tragedy struck the cast of Finding Bigfoot yesterday, as what was once a fabricated show preying upon the dementia of elderly conspiracy theorists quickly turned into an all-too-real nightmare, when in their fake search, they actually came across a Bigfoot-like creature. “We were behind the studio in the woods, where we film most of our scenes involving fake noises, when a large, humanoid shape emerged from the dark,” recalled cast-member, James Fay, struggling to hold back tears. “Then the thing lunged on us and proceeded to pounce to death the rest of the cast, and then just left.”
“Shock” and “terror” were words used to describe Tuesday’s incident, as the cryptid hominid was not only in fact proven to be real, but by matter of sheer chance, discovered on the very-show capitalizing on its unproven existence. Camera man, Mark Ryans, who narrowly escaped dismemberment from Bigfoot, said in a press conference that despite the show’s title, “I never signed up for this…I never thought we were actually going to find Bigfoot!” A visibly shaken Ryans added that, “I was hired under the pretense that I would be working for a show that peddled false science to the most vulnerable population demographics…not a legitimate pursuit of mythical beings with a murder streak!”
This incident has also put the rest of society in the awkward position of having hermetic, senile conspiracy theorists and impressionable 8-year-olds being able to say, “We were right all along…there is a Bigfoot!”
Alas, it was an all-too-familiar tale of a patently misleading reality TV show, through an event of bizarre serendipity, ironically falling victim to the very thing they originally falsified. In February of this year, The Discovery show, Ghost Hunters too fell victim to this increasingly common trend, when the show’s producer was inadvertently possessed by a demon.
As for one elderly fan, and self-anointed “Bigfoot expert,”: “I mean, they kinda had it coming…when you play with Bigfoot fire, you have to be prepared to get Bigfoot burned.”
Lobbyist Now A Regular at Senator’s Office
After visiting the office of Arkansas Senator, Tom Cotton (R-AS), six times last month, and leaving sizable donations in the undisclosable, dark-money, SUPER PAC, and…100% legal tip jar, Exxonmobil lobbyist John Richards has been upgraded from occasional customer who stops by when convenient, to a reliable regular.
Every lunch break, Richards can be counted on to order a hefty serving of fiscally irresponsible tax cuts, with a side of reduced labor requirements. “You got it,” Cotton replies, scribbling down his order on a yellow ticket to hand off to the chef. “Anything else we can do for you?,” Cotton cheerfully adds, before asking if he would like napkins with that. “We make a mean comprehensive, multi-billion dollar subsidy program, too, you know.” While Richards usually demurs, he always promises to try it next time.
“He’s one of my best customers,” Cotton admitted. “I don’t even need to ask for his order any more.” As Richards said, “It’s gotten to the point where I walk in and the industry-wide tax cuts and financially reckless corporate handouts are already waiting for me in a brown paper bag.”
Dr. Oz Recommends New “Stranded-at-Sea” Diet
Dr. Mehmet Oz, a decorated cardiothoracic surgeon known for his evidence-based medical advice and sustainable weight loss programs that don’t put emphasis on universally dubious and unregulated pills, has recommended a new strategy for those looking to drop a few in time for summer.
“I like to call it the ‘Stranded-at-Sea diet,” said Oz on his daytime show, noting that his nutritional innovation could revolutionize the way we lose weight. Over the course of the 65-day diet, one should consume a raw fish, preferably drenched in seawater, no more than once every three days; sardines, mackerel, and reedfish are all fair game, so long as they are not cooked, seasoned, or otherwise prepared to eliminate potentially lethal pathogens. “Mercury poisoning and intestinal infections are just more ways this diet helps you lose weight fast,” Oz said to his enthused crowd. While seaweed collected from the ocean’s surface also comprises a significant portion of the stranded-at-sea diet, according to Oz, “the bonus is that you can eat as much as you want.”
“No more late-night cravings,” as one fan of the show remarked. The key, though, is to limit water intake to about every four days. As Oz put, “with no taste, no texture, and no smell, water is really just empty calories.”
While side-effects include severe dehydration, vitamin deficiencies, and internal bleeding, Oz noted that eating like a cast-away on a liferaft is the only sure-fire way to lose weight fast. “There’s very strong evidence to support my claims…I mean, has anyone who has spent 65 days stranded at sea ever come back fatter than when they left?…I don’t think so.” Although Oz has faced criticism from fellow practitioners, studies have repeatedly shown that eating like a driftaway is positively correlated with weight loss. Whether it is the nutrient rich jellyfish or complete lack of requisite nutrition, one study published in Doctor Daily found that “in almost 80% of cases, the cast-away diet resulted in significant fat reduction.” While other diets focus solely on reducing fat, noted Oz, “my diet is the only holistic method that helps reduce not only fat composition, but muscle mass, brain tissue, cardiac organs, and liver function too.”
Following Baltimore Protests, Uncle More Racist Than Usual
Seemingly galvanized by Fox News’s coverage of the events, conservative Uncle, Rob Lance, who visits occasionally on holidays, seemed to be seriously intent on besting his own previous records for unbridled racist banter. “Normally”, said Vance’s brother, “he would drop a few ill-conceived, factually unsupported, poorly construed race-based generalizations at the dinner table, or maybe while playing golf.” But with recent protests across American cities suggesting that black individuals were not in fact completely subjugated at the hands of all white male hegemony, Vance began his day-long attempt to post record racial numbers. In a matter of hours, Vance progressed from a mere casual racist who blanketed his statements with such pleasantries like “I’m not racist…but” or “it just so happens” to dedicated hate-mongerer, as evidenced by his halftime decision to switch to the n-word of the hard “r” variety. As the night wore on, Vance covered the spectrum, with his uninformed diatribes ranging from “welfare queens” to those “gangsters with saggy pant.”
While no one who attended Saturday’s family reunion expected Vance to top his once unbeatable 1992 Los Angeles riot statistics, onlookers say he made a valiant attempt at dashing the dreams of a post-racial society. While relatives noted that age had taken a toll on Vance’s ability to spew unjustified mistruths with intensity, Vance said that as long as he legitimized the concerns of those who rightfully believe that racism had not in fact been vanquished, “it was good enough for him.”
Crack Addiction Changes Middle Age Father For The Better
Susan Wallace, wife of 56-year-old accountant, David Wallace of Danbury, Connecticut, was surprised to learn last week that her husband had been abusing a form of powdered cocaine, a highly addictive substance banned in every state except Florida. Mr. Wallace, who was often described by family friends as a “dull log, slightly more awake than a comatose patient” never liked taking risks or acting spontaneously. Before his addiction, “he shopped from the eight-dollar bin at Kohl’s, drove a Nissan Altima, insisted on eating at Olive Garden, and got his hair done at Supercuts,” said Susan, struggling to hold back tears. Only just a couple weeks ago, “he would come home from work and drool as he listlessly watched Fox news,” David’s sister-in-law, Barbara added, noting just how much his addiction had changed him.
“Now, he’s an entirely different person,” Susan said. “Crack has changed my husband from an apathetic accountant to a fun-loving, energetic, if occasionally delusional father.” While the jitters and occasional shivering were annoying at first, according to Barbara, “I’ll take addicted, erratic David, over that indifferent lump of tissue anyday.”
At press time, David was planning to purchase a motorcycle in order to jump the Housetonic River in mid-air. When asked about his devilish antics, Susan grinned and said, “It feels like I finally have my husband back.”