Part 1:
The waves greeted the shore with a crash
They pulled away
They crashed
They pulled away
The heated rays of light find my skin
And glows down upon me
And when I look up at the magnificent ball of light,
It warms my face and closes my eyes leaving light
Dancing in my vision
I let my arms float to my side
Weightless due to the gentle breeze
I close my eyes once more
And imagine that I am a bird
Soaring aimlessly through the sky
Only attached to the ground by
The cool ocean crashing
Against my ankles
Burying my feet in the moist sand
The waves soaked my feet and ankles
Changing the navy blue on my skirt to black
Spraying the ocean mist in my eyes
As the breeze turns from gentle to powerful
I lean against it
And rely on it to hold me up
The calming neverending sound of the waves crash on the shore
The dark blue water reflects my personality
Mysterious
Dark
With no light shining through
The water tries to pull my toes in as the uneven sand washes over my feet
The smell of saltwater lingers in the air
And gusts of wind dry my tongue as bits of salt fall in
It tastes so familiar
Because it tastes like tears
The jagged rocks bounce off my feet
Cut through the sand
Twist through the water
Land mid-twist into the sand
While others got dragged and pulled
Back into the deep blue
The sand sticks to my feet when I step out of the ocean range
And the rocks that were once in the ocean pricked my feet
My feet slipped into my worn shoes
And they dragged as I got farther from the water
I passed the rusting railing and shell covered steps
I passed the old playground with the fading color
I passed the bike rack which no one has ever used
I got to the area that no one ever sees
I got to the area that is easily missed
I got to the area where if you look back it isn’t there any more
Inside is a grassy area
Where a giant tree is growing in the center
One of those trees with beautiful flowers in the spring
Plenty of colorful leaves in the fall
Manages to stay unique in the winter
Inside is a colorful area
Where flowers looked as if someone had taken the seeds in their hand
And threw them about carelessly
That are purple and blue in the spring
Yellow and orange in the fall
Becoming bright pink and white before dropping their seeds and dying out
Leaving the next generation to take over the area
My hand lays on the bark
My fingers tracing over the patterns
My palm sticky against the cool wood
My breath sucked away
Again
I stare at the rock off to the side of the area
That leads me away from my freedom
Into the captivity of the place
Away from my happiness
Into my sorrow
My watch ticks without a stop
Continuing the change of the numbers
Dragging me closer to reality
Ticking
Ticking
Ticking
One final look around marks my goodbye
My promise to return
My hatred to leave
My hand leaves the cool bark
My fingers abandon the jagged pattern
My breath returns with a jolt
I remove the smaller rocks behind the bigger one
Kneel down to duck under the larger rock
That separates fantasy from reality
My watch beeps
5 minutes
A look of horror replaces my longing
4 minutes
Carefully the small rocks are replaced
3 minutes
Running as quickly as I can
2 minutes
The only door with no security cameras doesn’t open
1 minute
Footsteps are approaching
30 seconds
Ducking beneath the window to remain unseen
15 seconds
“Avia, come with me,”
No more time
Part 2:
“Why were you outside?” he questioned
I remain silent
“I asked you a question!” he demanded
No answer
“Fine, I’ll call your parents then,” he said calmly
“No!” I jumped up
“Then why were you outside?” he roared.
“It was beautiful,” I whispered
He had laughed
I had held back angry tears
He had given out punishments
I had taken them
Cleaning the cafeteria
Erasing pencil markings off desks
The usual
My roommate was angry of course
“Why did you not take me with you?” she raged.
My clothes stank of cafeteria food
My fingers covered in graphite
And my friend was angry that she wasn’t invited
I’ll tell you about my roommate
Her name is Saphina
The stringy dirty-blond hair is always in a bun or braid
The pale blue eyes tell you a story words could not
The cherry red lips only smile for me
The place we are confined in is considered a school
The name sewn on to our uniforms is Taylor’s Institute for Troubled Girls
The names they call us are nothing close to reality
If I was troubled, then they were kind
None of the girls who went to Taylor’s Institute for Troubled Girls are troubled
They are simply misunderstood
They are no more than unwanted
They are seen as clearly as a shadow in the night
In the morning 104 alarms ring
In the morning 104 uniforms are put on
In the morning 104 girls are in the newly clean cafeteria
In the morning 104 girls plug their noses as they shove food into their skinny bodies
In the morning 104 girls are herded to class
In the morning 104 girls wish that they were understood and wanted
In the morning 104 wishes aren’t fulfilled
Classes are dull
Eyelids droop
The monotone continues
Minds wander
The concrete cube only changes for the black board and flimsy door
The marks on the blackboard only smudged
Never fully erased
Rows and columns of desks
Arranged so no one can talk to each other without the teacher noticing
Stiff bodies from stiff chairs
Knees cramping from staying in the same position
Dates of starts and ends of famous wars sprawl on the board
Names of heroes and villains bounced off the walls
Attention of girls slipping
Sliding
Into their own world
No hands are raised
No questions are asked
No tone changes
No attention returns
The bell brings the girls back to earth
Homework passed out
No one knowing any of the content
During lunch is the only time the girls ever talk in a teacher’s presence
Everyone seems to be the same in there
But none of us are friends
We are all family
Saphina and I do our homework together in the evening
Our pencils only stubs
Erasers covered in pencil markings
Curfew is 9 p.m
Which is the time the history teacher scouts the hallway for wandering girls
Footsteps echoing throughout the empty hall
Until finally they die away
Which is when I poke my head out the door
No one is in the hall except me
Which is confirmed by the history teacher’s door closing in the distance
I tip-toe two doors down
Which was left slightly open
I creep inside
No noise emitted
I crawl through the tall dry grass
Avoiding the view of the headmasters window
Quietly and silently
One by one the rocks are moved
Not daring to stand up
Slithering through the giant rock
Turning halfway through to replace the rocks
The area with the beautiful flowers is displayed in front of me
The area with the magnificent tree is proudly standing
My barefeet jog to the flowing greens that mark the beach
As soon as I step away from the flowing greens
The familiar sand is warm against my feet
I walk over to the steps and look at the pathway
Someone touches my arm
“Thanks,” she whispers
Soon they are only a shadow in the night
Creeping back to the school
On my hands and knees
Too dark to see too far ahead but light enough to see where I was going
The window right next to my door room is propped open
I grab the bar on the wall to pull myself in
And sneak into my dorm where Saphina is waiting
To hear the adventurous tale
In the morning 103 alarms ring
In the morning 103 uniforms are put on
In the morning 103 girls whisper in the cafeteria
In the morning 103 girls plug their noses as they shove food into their skinny bodies
In the morning 103 girls are herded to class
In the morning 103 girls wish that they were understood and wanted
In the morning 103 wishes aren’t fulfilled
None of the teachers notice
They never do
They never take attendance
And few learn our names
They are there to speak
We are there to listen
The monotone never stops
The grey walls next to the grey desks
With the grey door and the once black now grey chalkboard
You have to touch everything with caution in this prison
For the fear of it falling apart
The smell of chalk mixed with boredom and misery fills the air
The taste of breakfast or lunch still lingers bringing the taste of vomit as well
The taste of blood as tongues and cheeks and lips are bit
To prevent getting up
And leaving
For we have no purpose here
Or anywhere
In history class I sit in front of where she should be
The empty desk hidden amongst the others
My feet fidgeting hoping the empty desk wouldn’t be noticed
The clock ticks slowly
The lecture on who-knows-what continues
Trying to make my skinny body wider
Homework is being explained
Trying to look taller than my almost-five-feet self
For a fraction of a second no one talks
The bell rings
We’re freed
I succeeded
Part 3:
Tomorrow is Spring break
It’s when we leave the hatred of our school
And greet the hatred of our homes
There’s a train that brings us from and to the school
Stops at each one of our houses
Making the trip about two hours long
My house is the third to last
One of the farthest away
But still in the same state
One by one girls are dropped off to their houses
None of their parents are there to greet them
When the train screeches to a halt near my backyard
I take my bags from the upper shelf
Sling my backpack over one shoulder
And my suitcase in hand
I push open the doors
To find a greyed sky
Growing old
I enter a temporarily abandoned house
And walk up the perfectly polish stairs to what is considered my room
I lay on my couch and pull my laptop out of my backpack
Open it to my email and begin to type
One by one they reply
My proposal is sent to the whole school
None disagree
I go downstairs for a snack
My house rings with silence
The colorful colors inside looks dull and grey
It smell of cleaner and supposedly perfection burns inside my nose
Everything is perfectly smooth and every corner is perfectly sharp
My tongue tingles from the emptiness of the air
From the loss of love that my mother had brought
Now buried underground
I go back upstairs to eat my snack
And wait
I wait for something to happen
I wait
I will continue to wait just like I always have
Because nothing seems to happen
Then
The door opens and closes
The only sound audible is footsteps
A coat being hung up
Shoes being taken off
A bag being put down
My father is home
He doesn’t come to see me
He should know I’m here
Then again, it’s him
An hour later the door opens again
This time the footsteps join the sound of clicking footsteps
Clicking footsteps I’ve never heard before
Keys jingle
A phone rings
Something big has happened while I was gone
I walk downstairs from my room carefully
Trying not to make any sound
I peer over the railing to see this new stranger
Her hair is dyed blonde
Her eyes are brown
Her v-neck comes down a bit more than they usually do
Her skirt is so tight, I think it may burst
Socks cover my feet, muffling my footsteps
My dull brown hair is pulled into a messy ponytail
I walk into the kitchen where my father is talking to the stranger
For two minutes they don’t see me standing in the shadows
It’s as if I was one of them
“Avia,” my father said, nodding in my direction
The stranger looked startled that there was another person in the house
I stared at her
My father sighed
“Avia, this is my wife,” my father said
I wasn’t surprised that my father had remarried
I wasn’t surprised that she looked like that
That didn’t mean I had to be happy about it
My father didn’t tell me that he got remarried
He didn’t tell me that there would be another person living in my house
To him I was a shadow
Nothing more than part of the real image
This is what the teachers were supposed to see me as, not my own father
There were so many emotions wrapped up into one at that moment
I guess you could call me disappointed
At dinner, we ate together
We slept in the same house
When they were in the pool I was outside
He never talked to me
He never called my name
He never acknowledged my presence
I was third to be picked up on the train
We all had the option to put our things in the back car
When the train stopped for me both the girls came out to help me with my bag
I didn’t need the help
It was all part of the plan
By the time we were at the second to last stop
Most of the girls were no where to be seen
The conductor couldn’t see us
Much less wanted to anyway
At the last stop I went to ‘help’ the girl with her bag
And went to join the other 101 girls
When we arrived at school to conductor stopped
He didn’t come see if we were getting out or not
After 15 minutes of us
Holding our breaths and clutching each other the train drove away
With us in it