“I stole his shotgun once–he seemed very annoyed–but he eventually got it back from me. Maybe he wanted revenge and decided to try to kill me. How he managed to ram into us and completely destroy our ship, I will never know.”
Once upon a bork, there were three incredibly stupid characters in a spaceship in between Earth and the moon. They needed a quick way to escape. Their names were Walter Mellon, Olivia the Moon Squirrel, and Richard the Talking Baby.
“Welp, the ship broke down. We’re screwed,” I said, after checking the ship’s engine and hull in the engine room.
The engine was destroyed because of some guy I’d seen in the past before, but decided not to kill. Bunko Mob or something like that, driving in a strange van made of dirt and random debris. I stole his shotgun once–he seemed very annoyed–but he eventually got it back from me. Maybe he wanted revenge and decided to try to kill me. How he managed to ram into us and completely destroy our ship, I will never know. Heck, I’ll never know how he was driving a van through SPACE, but this wasn’t my biggest concern. But we needed a way off of this ship, now. The hull would collapse on itself soon. I didn’t know how we would get off, I was only with a baby named Richard and a squirrel from the moon named Olivia.
“What do we do?” Richard said, and I yelped.
I had no idea Richard could speak perfect English.
“How are you speaking?!” I asked. “You are barely even two years old!”
“So?” Richard said.
He sort of had a point, so I left him alone.
“Ok, I don’t have time to argue about this. We need a way off this ship now. Can you drive an escape pod or something?”
“I can drive one,” a new voice said.
Richard and I both yelped this time. I turned around and saw a tiny, pale-grey squirrel with a fuzzy tail staring at us. We had no idea a moon squirrel spoke English as well.
“I would ask how this is happening, but in this story, all of this is probably considered logical,” I said. “After all, I’m a freaking human-melon with a gun.”
Richard didn’t seem to care. He was busy trying to snap Olivia the Moon Squirrel’s legs.
“HANDS OFF DA SQUIRREL!” I yelled, picking up my rifle and aiming it at Richard, momentarily forgetting he was just a baby.
“But… it’s squirrel!” Richard whimpered.
I was starting to wonder if Richard was mentally stable.
“A few moments ago, you were a mature talking baby. Now you can’t speak one legitimate sentence. Care to explain?” I accused.
“I have a medical condition called… uh… Superlegitdiseasethatmakesyoukillsquirrelsrightnowitis.”
I believed him, I’ve seen victims of it before. There was one problem, though.
“My good sir,” I said.
“A human body should only be weak enough to catch Superlegitdiseasethatmakesyoukillsquirrelsrightnowitis at the age of 50.”
“How would you know? You’re only a watermelon shaped like a human.”
I wondered how he was so educated. I was about to ask, but I decided that I didn’t want to know.
“Okay, everyone, let’s go to the upper deck. Maybe we will find some kind of airlock and escape.
“Fine by me,” Olivia said, trying to get away from the deranged baby.
I found some stairs and began to climb. I eventually made it to the top and pulled a hatch open. Outside the hatch was open space protected by a force field keeping oxygen on the ship. We were on the upper deck. I then began to search for an escape pod, and Richard chased Olivia around, trying to pull her torso in half. Olivia occasionally screamed for help and tried to shoot Richard with my rifle once or twice.
The upper deck had no airlock, so we went back downstairs, into a corridor. There were three doors in the corridor: the engine room, the living quarters, and a door leading to another corridor. I chose the second corridor and found an airlock after what seemed like days (although I tend to exaggerate, so let’s just say it was about 10 minutes.)
“Hey guys, come check this out!” I said and waved the others over.
Olivia ran over to the door, and Richard followed her, still trying to break her legs. I opened the door… and…
Found a hatch. I was about to open the hatch, until I noticed a gigantic sign that said: TOTALLY INCONSPICUOUS GIANT SIGN THAT TOTALLY DOESN’T HAVE A SHOTGUN BEHIND IT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I got the sign off, looked behind it, and…
There really wasn’t a shotgun there. I hate stupid signs like that. I went back to open the hatch, until I noticed another sign in front of it that said “Airlock.” The airlock it was gesturing to led to nothing but space.
“Wait a minute. Wait. A. Minute.” I said.
A minute passed. I finished waiting.
“Who tried to trick me into opening an airlock into space?!” I said.
“Uhhhh, totally not me or anything like that, hahahahahahaha!” Richard said.
“Are you telling the truth?” I said.
“No, I mean yes!!!” Richard replied a bit too quickly. This (of all the absurd things in this story) didn’t seem right.
I squinted. Richard sighed.
“All right, all right, I tried to kill you.” he said.
“Why?!” I asked.
“‘COS I’M UNCKO BAWB HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!” he yelled, before going into a massive coughing fit. “AGH, SWEET SAUSAGE-SLAPPING SANDWICHES SACRIFICING SAD SAILBOATS!!! SMOKING DOG BISCUITS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA!!!”
At this point, Richard’s head fell off, and a tall, fully grown man with a potbelly and an almost bald head somehow pulled himself out of Richard’s head. The man was wearing a weird gold jacket and jeans (the jeans seemed to be about five sizes too small). I instantly recognized him and reached for my gun.
“You!” I yelled. “You tried to kill me!”
“I KNOW!” he yelled. “I DO BELIEVE YOU WERE AWAKE FOR THE LAST THREE MINUTES!”
“STOP IT WITH THE SMART COMEBACKS!”
“GIVE ME THE OTHER HALF OF MY TRACKSUIT FIRST!”
I became a little confused.
“THIS GOLD JACKET IS HALF OF MY TRACKSUIT! GIVE ME MY PANTS! THESE JEANS BELONG TO MY SON! I WANT MINE BACK!!”
“MAYBE LATER! ALSO, WHY ARE WE YELLING? MY THROAT IS STARTING TO HURT!”
“YOU DON’T HAVE A THROAT!”
“I SAID STOP!” I yelled, as I grabbed my rifle, aimed it at his head, and fired. A moon squirrel slammed into his face.
“Olivia, why were you in my rifle?” I asked.
“Hiding from that hideous creature–oh, it’s just a human,” she replied.
“AAAHH! OUT OF THIS HOUSE, VILE DEMON!” Uncko Bawb yelled and threw a piece of melon at her that he was keeping in a jacket pocket that may or may not have had a wormhole inside of it (don’t ask how I know that.) Then realized he how much he just screwed up.
“You killed a melon! Die!” I yelled and repeatedly shot at him.
Because of my rage, I missed multiple times.
“SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT!” he yelled, and tried to run to the airlock. Because of his ridiculously small pants, it was more so like waddling than running.
“TIMMY, GET THE VAN!” he yelled.
“Okay!” a voice that sounded like a teenage human (I’m guessing it was Timmy) replied, and a van made of dirt and trash somehow drove in front of the airlock.
“Haha, so long suckers!” Bawb yelled and tried to throw the airlock open.
It wouldn’t budge.
“You gotta be kidding me,” Bawb said. “Since when does an airlock need a key?!” He pointed at a keyhole seemingly made of wind. “I swear, this story gets dumber every second.”
While he was distracted, I aimed my gun at his head. Before I could fire, Olivia got my attention by looking at something past the airlock. It looked like it was made of something frozen.
“Iceberg, dead ahead!” Olivia yelled, as we crashed into it, sending a huge crack through the steel roof of our ship.
“NO, I CAN’T DIE!” Bawb cried. “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!”
“You can’t be serious,” I muttered. “I think the author of this stupid story is running out of ideas.”
Just then, the roof tore open.
“WE’RE SINKING!” Bawb yelled.
He was right. You could see space pouring into our ship.
“Find the key for that airlock!” I yelled. “Olivia, check the engine room! Bawb, you-”
“Oh heck no, I’m outta here!” Bawb yelled. He then screamed “TIMMY, I’M COMING!” and jumped out of the ship and landed inside his trashy (pun intended) van.
The van started up and flew towards Earth. I could hear a distant “SO LONG, FREAK! WOO!” before the van disappeared from sight.
“Well, this isn’t good,” I muttered, as space kept pouring in, covering the nearest objects in the ship and blocking off the engine room and our living quarters.
“What do we do?!” Olivia yelled, before some of her pale-grey fur was almost engulfed by the incoming space.
She yelped and ran towards me. I didn’t know what to do, and I had to hurry and think of something, fast. I could see the vastness of space outside the ship, and there wasn’t much air left, since we were sinking. That was when I noticed a green object fly through the door to a nearby corridor. I grabbed Olivia, and followed it into a hallway with the door to the engine room in it. I wondered what the object was, but I couldn’t waste time searching for it. We needed to leave. I remembered there was a secret spare escape pod there, but at first, I thought it would be completely wrecked like the engine was. I thought it was worth checking it out now.
We burst into the engine room, and I braced myself for what came next. In order to get to the pod, we would have to move the entire engine, without making it explode. So, naturally, like the genius melon that I am, I picked up my rifle and unloaded an entire magazine of bullets into the fuel tank.
The engine exploded, sending shards of scrap metal into the walls next to me and Olivia. After the explosion cleared up, three things happened:
At 28, I realized the seriousness of the situation and grabbed Olivia, stuffed her in the empty magazine of my rifle, loaded her in, and shot her into the pod.
26… 25… 24…
“OLIVIA, START THE ENGINE!” I yelled, as I kicked off the steel wall of the ship. It broke off and flew into oblivion. More space was pouring in. I heard her scream something like, “okay!” But I had no time to focus on her words.
23… 22… 21…
I missed the pod but managed to throw my rifle inside as I heard the engine charging up in the pod. I then kicked off the other wall, did a 180 degree flip, and flew right through the hatch, landing face first in the pod, 15 feet below me. Thank God for no gravity. I quickly bounced back up and pulled the door on top of the escape pod. I looked around. It was a circular pod with a control panel taking up much of the space. There were windows on all sides of the pod.
20… 19… 18…
“How long until the engine is fully charged?” I asked Olivia.
“10 seconds, I think,” Olivia replied.
Her fuzzy tail was twitching nervously. Wait, scratch that. Her entire freaking body was twitching nervously.
17… 16… 15… 14… 13… 12… 11… 10…
The engine stopped charging and made a tiny beep. Another computerized voice turned on saying, “Welcome. All systems online. Preparing thrusters…”
It took us exactly 3.57372619539284759372739487482817383482738 seconds to prepare the thrusters. We then took off really quickly. And emphasis on the really. We flew through space so fast, I hit the back wall of the pod and nearly broke through it. I could barely hear a faraway computerized voice say, “3… 2… 1… 0,” before I turned around and saw a massive explosion, with bits of our ship flying everywhere. One massive piece almost hit us, scraping the top of our pod. I turned in a full 360, surveying the scene. On my left, I saw an intercom fly by us, saying, “Thank you for cooperating. This was directed by Michael Bay,” before it got caught in the orbit of the moon.
“To Earth!” I said happily, amazed that we survived that massive ordeal.
“Aye aye!” Olivia said, obviously just as happy.
As we headed to Earth, I saw something amazing and grinned. Uncko Bawb’s van’s engine died, and he was stuck in the middle of space. There also happened to be a pile of sniper ammunition and explosives by the side of the pod. I think you know what I had in mind.
I was about to put him through the hell of his life, but I heard him talking on a radio. “Yeah, Michael Bay, I need some help. Can you get me outta here? ‘Kay, thanks,” he said.
I was filled with rage once I remembered what the intercom said. Michael Bay put Bawb up to this?I hate Michael Bay! He tried to shove a stick of dynamite into one of my sniper rifles once. I unloaded all my explosives by throwing them at the trashy van. They stuck to it for some reason. I then picked up some ammo, took aim, and fired.
The explosion that took place there was unbearable. I could feel the heat from inside the pod. Somehow, the van didn’t explode, just spiraled into the next galaxy with a very angry, fat, baldy yelling, “I WILL AVENGE MY TRACKSUIT!”
We then got caught in Earth’s orbit and flew into a place called New York. We ended up crashing through a building and landing on some guy. His name was Adam or whatever. When we climbed out of the pod, there were three very surprised people sitting on couches with computers, staring at us.
“You saw nothing,” I said and climbed out of the place where I landed, running away through a broken wall and scaling a building.
Getting out of the place where we crashed wasn’t much of a victory. The police would be here soon. But at least we could get back home, to a secret base I owned. There are secret pathways to get there, one of them being in Bitchfield, UK (no lie, that is a real place.) These pathways are portals to another alternate reality, where normal humans don’t exist (yep, this just turned sci-fi.) In order to get there, we would have to find a way from New York to Bitchfield. That would be pretty tough, since we didn’t have any means of transportation, and we just crashed our escape pod on a male human in a weird place named Writopia (I read a sign as we ran from the building.) I thought I heard sirens, so I decided now would be a good time to run faster. I eventually found my way to a nearby museum. I thought it would be a good place to hide, so I was about to go inside, but something stopped me. This “something” was a van made of dirt, falling from the sky with a very angry, bald guy inside wielding a shotgun.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. Uncko Bawb crashed into the street, completely demolishing it. A wave of dust flew out from the ground where he landed, blinding me. When the dust cleared up, there he was, standing with a severely pissed off teenager, wielding dual pistols, to his left. To Bawb’s right, there was a man with brown hair in a blue shirt, holding a rocket launcher and wearing a belt of grenades… wait, no. The belt was made of grenades. If these people were who I think they were, I was probably about to get my melon bits burst open.
Michael Bay and Timmy Bawb raised their weapons, aiming them at me. Bawb did the same.
“I told you I would avenge my tracksuit, Melon Boy!” he exclaimed.
“Dude, where are your pants?” I said.
Bawb looked down. He was wearing no pants.
“They got uncomfortable, so I took them off.”
“How did you get back here?” I said.
“Michael Bay,” he replied, motioning at the dude with the rocket launcher.
I forgot he called Michael for help. Speaking of him, why did Bawb put him up to this? Was it because Bay found out that Bawb wanted his tracksuit back and blamed it on me? Huh, that may have been what happened.
While I was thinking about it, Bawb distracted me by yelling, “Michael, shoot him!”
And the sound of a rocket fired towards me. I had no time to run, so I held my arms up in defense and braced myself for the end. I heard the explosion as I flew backwards. After groaning in pain, I looked up and saw my escape pod on the ground where the rocket was.
“Wait, what?” Bawb said, as a kid climbed out of the broken pod.
It was the kid I smashed, somehow not dead. He took a computer out of the pod, typed something in it, looked up, and flicked his hand towards Bawb. Bawb and Timmy flew backwards and crashed into a tree. The boy then typed something else, and Michael Bay froze in time. He then began to glow and dematerialized right in front of us, turning into a pile of dust and explosives, and blew away in the wind. The boy turned to us.
“What’s up, Walter?” he asked as Bawb curled up into a ball, groaning in pain.
I squinted at the boy.
“Who the heck are you, and how do you know my name?” I demanded.
“I’m the writer of this insane story, but I had no idea this story was actually happening in real time,” he said. “I’m guessing the pathway to your home in Bitchfield is real too.” He snickered. “God, I will never say that without laughing.”
“Hold on, hold on,” I said. “You wrote the story we are currently in?”
“Yes, but as I said before, I had no idea this was happening in real time.”
“Can you somehow send us home?” I asked.
“Us?” he wondered.
Then he saw Olivia, who I didn’t notice was trying to hide in my gun. Her bushy tail was stuck in the barrel.
“Oh, right. Absolutely. By the way, here are Bawb’s pants.” He tossed me Uncko Bawb’s pants (I never noticed when he took them out.)
While I was wondering why the author gave me the pants, he took out his computer, typed a few words, and clapped his hands.
Poof. Suddenly, we were above a hidden hatch in Bitchfield (I don’t think I will ever say that without laughing either.) Olivia was still in my rifle, for some reason. There were female dogs on the ground, writhing around (I guess that’s why they call this place Bitchfield.) Anyway, we climbed underground, through the hidden hatch, and stood in front of a five-foot hole which led to a portal.
“So, you live in a portal?” Olivia asked.
“No, this portal leads to my home. You go first,” I said, and after putting up a huge fight (Olivia is apparently trypophobic), she reluctantly leaped headfirst into the portal. I jumped in after her.
After I felt a quick, cold, tingly sensation (I usually do when I go through a portal), I landed on my face, in my underground hideout, in front of my rifle rack. Olivia was staring at my other rifles in wonder and was probably thinking about how I connected a metal weaponry rack to a dirt wall underground. Or how I got it underground in the first place.
I walked over to a hatch in the ground, which I used as an entrance and exit. I opened it and looked outside. The hatch was hidden by trees, since I lived near the edge of a forest.
It was raining out. I could see a field nearby, the wet grass glistening. I looked at a nearby house (which happened to belong to a fat man named Bawb.) I had nothing else to do, so I went up to his house. Hey, maybe I could find the rest of his tracksuit and hold it for ransom.
I peeked through Bawb’s extremely dirty window. No, literally. His house was made of dirt and random debris too. I have no idea where or how he found this place. Bawb was sitting there, watching TV with a scowl on his face. The author must have sent him and Timmy home after me and Olivia were sent back. I guess I’m not going to take his tracksuit right now.
As I turned around to leave, I saw something a little odd. Not like “Justin Bieber is running around naked” odd, but more like “HOLY CROW, THERE’S A TIME VORTEX OPENING IN THE SKY” odd. Which was exactly what happened. Also, Justin Bieber was running around naked. Forgot to mention that earlier.
I watched the weird time vortex open in the sky… no wait, two time vortexes. A second one opened up inside the first one… and another… and another… and another… and inside that one, there was a bottle of Mountain Dew… no wait, that was a time vortex shaped like a bottle of Mountain Dew… oh, inside that one was the Mountain Dew. But inside the Mountain Dew was another time vortex. I’m pretty sure opening infinite time vortexes inside of time vortexes at the same time (vortex) shouldn’t have been possible, but while that was happening, pieces of the ground around me began to get sucked inside. And then I was being thrown inside one time vortex, and then into another one, and another one, and another one and another one, and another one, and hey, there’s the bottle of Mountain Dew. And another vortex, and another one, and another one. This went on for many hours, but I still tend to exaggerate, so let’s say ten minutes again. I saw Bawb pass me, screaming, and landing inside the bottle of Mountain Dew. He made a big swoosh and was whisked back in time. I, on the other hand, wasn’t sure if I should’ve been be scared, utterly terrified, or confused. Suddenly, I heard a big explosion and saw bits of me vaporizing. I thought now was a good time to be utterly terrified.
As bits of me vaporized and flew away, the time vortexes I was passing through rapidly cleared, and I saw the ship that Olivia and “Richard” and I was on a while ago. Far away, I somehow knew Bawb popped out of a bottle of Mountain Dew and threw himself (and Timmy) into his van. He then drove off into space, and I could see him coming from Earth to annihilate our ship. I could see him ramming the wall in the engine room. He then popped into a tiny, fake baby suit, and jumped onto the upper deck (by the way, this is an actual ship, not some crappy spaceship. Why else would there be an upper deck?) A few minutes later, I could hear myself saying, “Welp, the ship broke down. We’re screwed”.
Wait… I could hear myself? Maybe it was because I went through infinite vortexes and Bawb fell into a bottle of Mountain Dew, so Bawb actually went back in time, so he ended up actually going back in time, and I didn’t. I was just watching. Or as an experienced scientist would say, I was stalking them. But this wasn’t my biggest problem: How in the world do I get home? Well, actually, not in the world, I was at least 300,000 and a half miles away. So,how around the world do I get home?!
“What’s up?” said a voice behind me.
I quickly turned around.
“Wha–How?!” I said to the author, who was sitting directly behind me.
“I have a name,” he said.
I forgot he did.
“Anyway, yeah, you’re sorta screwed right now.”
“How do I get out of here?” I asked him. “I sorta wanna go home right now.”
“Oh, to Bitchfield?” Adam completely lost it. “Sorry, I had to. Use Uncko Bawb’s pants.”
“What?” I asked.
He motioned for me to look to my right. I turned and saw Bawb’s pants, glowing.
“Touch them,” Adam said.
“Can’t. Sorta got vaporized in a freaking time vortex.”
Adam took out a computer (where is he keeping that thing?) and typed something in it. Suddenly, I had an arm.
“Okay, now touch it.”
“You put Michael Jackson’s face on my shoulder. There’s no arm.”
He typed something else, and bam, I had arms. I was about to touch the pants but thought of something.
“How come you didn’t just tell me about the time vortex to begin with?”
“Didn’t think of that,” Adam said, clearly trying to lie.
The little jerk.
“Why was there a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex shaped like a bottle of Mountain Dew inside of an actual bottle of Mountain Dew inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex inside of a time vortex?”
“Justin Bieber running around naked caused the universe to cringe and try to kill him,” he said.
“Oh, okay,” I said.
I could agree with that answer. It sounded believable. With all this in mind, I touched Uncko Bawb’s pants and heard a loud beeping sound. Suddenly, I was back at the portal in Bitchfield. I jumped through, and the first thing I saw when I climbed out of my home was Justin Bieber in a field, dancing around naked. I shot him in the head. I could swear the universe was yelling thank you at me. As I was going back into my home, I could then swear I heard the universe yelling “I WANTED TO DO THAT!” at me. I turned around and there was Uncko Bawb, with his shotgun. Nope, that was him yelling that.
“WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY PANTS!?” he yelled.
I looked down and realized I was wearing Bawb’s tracksuit.
“Um… do I need a reason?” I asked, a bit awkwardly.
“TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES!” he replied, a bit angrily.
“I’m not taking them off right here,” I said, a bit weirded out that I was wearing these clothes.
“THEN GO TO WHEREVER THE HECK YOU LIVE AND CHANGE, MELON BOY!” he yelled, a bit antagonistically.
“WILL YOU PLEASE STOP YELLING! I’M RIGHT HERE!” I yelled, also a bit antagonistically.
“NO!” he yelled, also a bit antagonistically.
I was beginning to get antagonized to my limit. I was about to antagonistically antagonize his antagonistically antagonizing antagonization because it was so antagonistically antagonizing, but I decided not to antagonistically antagonize his antagonistically antagonizing antagonization for some antagonistically antagonistic reason. I just went back home.
When I crawled through my hatch, I was greeted with a moon squirrel and a paper to the face. After Olivia’s greeting, she explained how she found the hatch after I left, and she ventured out to a nearby town and found out that Uncko Bawb had a reward for whoever found his pants. I began reading the paper Olivia threw at me:
THER IZ REWAARD!
REWAARD IZ TWUNTY FIEV MILION DOLLAHS!
-Love, UNCKO BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWB <3 <3 <3
Once I finished reading, I looked to the right,and saw a grinning moon squirrel (can moon squirrels grin?) staring me in the face. Instantly understanding the grin, I quickly changed into my old clothes, which consisted of an old leather jacket, black shirt, and black jeans (no, I am not emo. Or goth. Or anything of the type. Go away.) Anyway, I changed out of my clothes and prepared to go give Bawb the clothes and take his money. I opened the hatch to get outside, and…
Why was there another melon person staring at me? While I was trying to find out who this melon person was, and why he was stalking me from about 15 meters, he called out to me.
“Walter, is that you?” he yelled.
“Who the heck are you?” was my reply.
I climbed out of my home and came closer to inspect him. He did the same.
“Walter, do you really not recognize me?” he said, sounding a bit hurt.
“Um…b no,” I replied.
“Does the name Salter Mellon remind you of someone?” he asked.
I tried to think of who he might be, but didn’t come up with anything except a small amount of recognition.
“Wait, are you…” I tried to say.
“Yes, Walter, it’s me, your brother.”
Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.
To be continued… maybe… eh, forget it. (Nah, there’s going to be a sequel.)
Hahaha this is hilariously! Loved it! Great jib
I don’t regret writing this after a year. That’s surprising.