Chapter 1: Julian, California, 1875 Fresh hay poked at the inside of Thomas’ butt, as he struggled to put his shoe on. “Dang sweet busters, ay Willy how ya do ye ol’ shoe. Coulda […]
Julian, California, 1875
Fresh hay poked at the inside of Thomas’ butt, as he struggled to put his shoe on.
“Dang sweet busters, ay Willy how ya do ye ol’ shoe. Coulda taught me?” Thomas asked.
“I teached ya an hour go, ya dinger!” William shot back
“Ya ain’t teached me an hour go, dat’s yesserday!”
“Watcha sayin’ ya fool?!”
“I sayin’ dat ya can’t do nuttin’!” Thomas yelled, throwing the empty glass bottle on the floor at William.
“Ya chop floppin’ spam tangler!” William said.
“Hey, look! Some shiny gold!”
“Huh, where?” William said, turning around. Thomas slapped him in the back of the neck and let out a loud laugh.
“You slap danglin’ meat picker!”
“Ya know,” said Thomas. “I want some pie!”
“Yeah, me too!”
“But we ain’t got no gold!” Thomas said.
“Been five year since ol’ Coleman was got gold!” William added.
“Well, why don’t we steal some it ourselves?!” Thomas said. “The Eagle Mine’s got plenny of it!”
“Now dat’s a real dang good plan. First one ya got in a whole dang year!” William responded.
“Flap it, ya muskrat, I get dat jolly poppin’ idea just four day ago.” Thomas snapped back.
“Nah, wiz just today when ya flopped dat dang bustin’ idea, ya bootlicker.” said William.
“No, it not!”
“Ye, it is!”
“No, it not!”
“Ye, it is!”
“Shut yer bone box ya filthy muskrat!”
Some time passed as the friends continued to snap at each other. But now the conversation was on some more important matters.
“So how we gonna bust into dat Eagle Mine?” William said.
“Well dat simple! Throw a bunch of bombs inside!”
“Na, dat would just blow up dat rich gold ya meater!”
“Oh. Den why don’t we just run in and slap ‘em all silly! Then dey all be out cold and we got steal dat gold!”
“Ye let’s do ‘at!”
It was 8 AM on Thursday, July 12th, 1875, and if you happened to be out front of the Eagle Mine in Julian, California, then you would’ve seen two old men, dressed in old ripped clothing. William and Thomas slowly walked up to the front of the mine and stepped inside. It was pretty dark and they didn’t see anyone until a young miner spotted them.
“Where ya keep all ya dang gold, ya gibface?” Thomas yelled to him.
“Ya’ll don’t look like miners. Watcha doin’ in here?”
“We are miners!” said William rather quickly.
“Now ya fools shut it with your fimble fambles before I give you a couple blinkers!”
“We just wanna know where ya keep some gold, ya hobbledehoy!”
The boy looked very surprised by that remark, and feebly punched Thomas square in the face and slapped William. He kept on hitting them until they ran out of the mine, yelling curses.
“Well,” said Thomas, after they got out of the mine. “Guess dat wasn’t a good plan.”
“It sure wasn’t! And it ain’t my fault, ya flop dangler!”
“Well,” said William, looking up from the apple pie he had stolen. “If my scientiifick chalky-lashins are co-rect, we need to ‘semble a team for da gold stealin’.”
“Yar, but we might have to flop em’ some of out jolly poppin’ gold.” Thomas said.
“No, we do not! Alls we’ll gotta do is tell them fools we givin’ em some gold and dey flop der trousers off and we run away wit all dat golds!”
“Dat a poppin idea, now, what bootlickers are we gonna get?”
“Well, how ‘bout Sunny and the Hornswogglers?” said William.
“Right, but Sunny and the Hornswogglers can’t flop a dangler,” Thomas said. “We need ’em to be able to flop a dangler.”
“Well let’s go get ‘em and see ya flop bootslappin’ cheap bungle ball!” yelled William.
“Where are dey?”
“Ya know I factually dow no!”
“Let’s check the Hornswoggler Shack, dats der main hideout.”
“Dat’s all the way across town, so how we gonna get der.”
“Well let’s do it ya slap foff-gogglin’ slap wonderin’ meat danglin’ horn bogglin’ belly guzzlin’ sleep chogglin’ bootlickin’ fat bunderin’ foozler!!!”
After two and a half hours of walking, they finally reached the Hornswoggler Shack. Sunny and the Hornswogglers were playing cards, which they obviously didn’t know how to play.
“Watcha doin’?” asked Thomas.
“Playin’ cards,” said one Horswoggler, as he took the deck and threw it up in the air. “I win!” he yelled.
“No, I win!” said another Hornswoggler.
“I wanna play!” Thomas yelled over them.
“Na!” said William. “We gotta get down to bizz nizz!”
“Alriy,” said Sunny. “Woot dar yer bootlickers wunt froym us?”
“We need ya’ll Hornswogglers for dem heist were pullin’,’ ‘ said William.
“But we don wanna get got,” said Billy the Boy.
“Ya’ll gonna help us and yer gets dat golds!” said Thomas.
“Oooh I want dose golds!” said Jumpin’ Jimmy.
“Fer yer infromattin, I am in charge of dis heist!” said William.
“Ya, but will we ge’ dos golds,” Sunny said.
“Oh ya’ll will get half of de earnin’s from the hiesteroonies!”
“Fine we’ll take the job,” said Sunny. “But I ain’t doin’ it, and yer only takin’ five of my boys.”
“Alrightyright, ya slap danglers, dat’s a deal.”
All through the night the boys discussed their heist plans, and they woke up feeling a little dreary.
When the morning light showed upon the Hornswoggler Hut, William and the boys had a heist plan ready. All night they had practiced and practiced until they had all memorized what was supposed to happen. They had the entire day to prepare for the heist. They would leave for the Eagle Mine at 6:00. But first, they had to steal a carriage. Finally, the time came for the heist.
At approximately 7:00 PM, Billy the Boy entered the mine, in mining clothes. William was already there, dressed as a miner. Billy casually walked down close to where the gold was, then he snuck into the gold area, and shoved it into a sack. After William’s signal, he ran out of the mine and passed the sack with gold off to Jumpin’ Jimmy, who quickly switched it with a bag of fake gold and ran behind the mine.
At this point, people from the mine would be running out, trying to catch the thief. Meanwhile, in front of the mine, Billy was sprinting to the stolen carriage, which had Thomas at the wheel. He tossed the fake bag of gold into the carriage and jumped in. Suddenly, Frankie Choo-Cha and Bootlickin’ Bob screeched into the area in a police carriage, both dressed as police officers. Suddenly, Jumpin’ Jimmy ran out from the area which the other carriage had driven away to, holding the real sack of gold, yelling, “I got the gold! I got it from the thief!” He then threw the sack of gold into the “police carriage” and Bootlickin’ Bob, dressed as a police officer, yelled, “We got the gold and we’re gonna catch them thief real soon!” They drove away, the miners cheering, completely oblivious of what had just happened.