“The bus
In the back, swaying and bumping over roads
Paved with cracked tar
Laughing
Playing games with reality”
Part 1: Bus
The bus
In the back, swaying and bumping over roads
Paved with cracked tar
Laughing
Playing games with reality
The mood
is happy
even euphoric
Two friends
Maybe more
Lock eyes
Sudden nervousness.
Tense.
Waiting.
Waiting for what?
Something they both know
Something they both know but something that neither says
Until now
“Who loves who?”
The names of random classmates, together in fantasy
Until the moment comes
He looks her in the eye
“And I,” he pauses.
“Like you.”
She is shocked
But she smiles and says
“I like you back”
Innocent
A love of children
But it will last
Part 2: Sapphirestar
Her heart is broken.
She doesn’t know what’s happening
And she doesn’t like it.
Always friends, but maybe their relationship is cracked
She’s angry
And unhappy
And regretful.
Maybe it’s her fault
Maybe it’s his
She doesn’t know anything anymore
She’s in tears
Crying the blood of her heart out on the blacktop
He’s in pain
She is in no state to help him
Later she will regret it.
She feels like she will never be happy again
He’s talking to her
Ignoring himself
Making light of his pain
In order to comfort her.
She starts to smile
Despite herself.
Nobody but him could do that to her.
He makes her happy when she sees him
She would die for him
She realizes it when he smiles.
She loves him.
He loves her.
She makes it her mission to never let him down.
She knows she’ll falter.
But she knows she’ll try.
Part 3: Dare
Her friend
They’re laughing together.
She is dared
To do something
That she needs an excuse to do.
“Do it within my earshot.”
“Okay.”
She is nervous
But happy at the same time.
She approaches him
Her heart flutters like a finch
Trapped in the prison of her chest.
She blushes.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Okay.”
“Alone.”
They leave behind the clutter of the schoolyard
They leave to be alone
In the shade of a dying oak.
But it is still alive.
“I love you”
She says.
He smiles.
He shifts on the faded grass
She thought she saw him blush
“Ditto”
He says
His face is red
He is smiling
So is she
She doesn’t know what “Ditto” means
But she will
And his eyes tell her the true meaning
Of what he says
Part 4: Floodlights
It is cold
Wind whips their bare faces
They forgot to bring scarves.
The sun is setting
A cold fire on the unmelting snow
As the clouds dance their slow waltz across the flickering dusk
Stars are blinking into being
One by one
Above their heads
They are alone for the moment
Free from people
Free from lies
The lies they’ve told all their lives.
They slide and stagger on the tight-packed snowflakes
Laughing and trying not to fall
They lift off from the ground
Free from gravity
Free from others
They reach the top
Silver floodlights flicker on around them and bathe them in brightness
They race
down the hill, laughing in the stream of air they’re flying into
He falls
She stops and makes her clumsy way towards him
They’re holding hands
She pulls him to his feet
“I have something to tell you,” she says
“Yes?”
He is expecting something
“I could say it first” he says, knowing what she is thinking.
“I love you”
“I love you too”
“Really?” Her eyes are wide, reflecting the floodlights
“Definitely”
Part 5: Firewall
It is the next year
She is looking forward to seeing his smile again
She’s missed him like he is a part of her heart
Maybe he is.
She spots him in a crowd
She waves
He doesn’t see her.
This happens every day
He vanishes and she cannot find him
She cries herself to sleep at night
She writes him a note.
More like a letter.
Her friend has the locker next to him
The girl hands him her note
He never replies
It is difficult to know his feelings
She is kept in limbo
Never knowing what he is thinking
But always wanting to know
He has his firewall
Hard to breach
But she will try
She watches him from under her lashes
Never with the courage to talk to him
She wonders
Where did it go?
Does he feel the same about her
As she does about him?
Every night she reads the notes he sent her
When they were young
And innocent
And she knows
One day
She will break his firewall
Part 6: Night
She’s awake
She shouldn’t be
Glancing furtively around her
Her face is lit by a machine
She wants to talk to someone
But nobody is there
She hears a sound.
She’s not the only one awake.
Hello
She reads the message.
It is simple and short
But she smiles like she has won the world.
It’s you
She writes.
They talk
He shows nothing
Until later at night
They are pouring their feelings out
They have no other outlet.
Nobody else understands.
But he does.
So much she never knew
She wishes she could be with him now
Now she knows how much he has gone through
How much she never knew
She has passed the firewall
They are talking
Maybe I love you because you understand me
She says from her heart.
I can’t help but love you
The reply arrives with a soft ding.
She falls asleep
Maybe he is still awake.
All alone, waiting for someone in the dark.
Part 7: Poetry and Loathing
She is back on her computer
Her virtual escape from the tortures of real life
He is there too
It is late at night and they’re talking
She finds it easy to talk to someone who is not there
Easier than to talk to someone who is.
Hello there I don’t believe we’ve met before
She is surprised.
They know each other.
Who are you?
My name’s Loathing and yours
She is confused- what is this?
Loathing: A feeling of intense dislike or disgust; hatred
That’s what I call myself
She’s about to cry.
Now she knows what he’s been dealing with for so long
The voices and the vividness
The stories and the racing mind
Always racing
Always busy
Never still
She writes from the heart
Fierce poetry
Almost unconscious
Trying to combat the Loathing
Trying to draw him from the abyss he has been near for years
Using her spirit; she is the poetry
Teeth gritted
Eyes shimmering with tears
Writing to save a life
She knows
If he were hurt he would only need to ask and she would take the pain without hesitation
He is unhappy and she keeps it in her mind, dampening her outward happiness with his emotions
She fights loathing with poetry
