At rise the scene is set in a courtroom, with the JUDGE upstage center, BAILIFF upstage left, and PROSECUTOR downstage right.

 

JUDGE

All rise!

     (Walks up to bench, sits down)

Court is now in session. We are hearing the case of “State v Jack G. Killer.” Mr. Killer is on trial for charges of murder, theft, breaking and entering, Reckless Endangerment and Extremely Unusual Botany Experimentation without Permit, destruction of property, and possession of illicit beans. Mr Killer pleads not guilty on all charges. We will now hear the murder charge.

 

PROSECUTOR

Mr. Killer came into the home of Mr. Giant, with intentions to steal his golden goose. Upon finding the thief, Mr. Giant went in pursuit to reclaim his stolen property. Seeing he was chased, Mr Killer brutally murdered Mr. Giant with an axe by slicing his illegally grown beanstalk causing Mr. Giant to fall to his death. For my witness I call Mrs. Giant!

 

Ms. GIANT

     (Enters from upstage left and walks to upstage center next to JUDGE. BAILIFF approaches with book of Nursery Rhymes.)

I swear upon the Holy Book of Mother Goose that I will tell the truth, and only the truth.

     (BAILIFF returns to previous stage position.)

 

PROSECUTOR  

Mrs. Giant, would you describe what happened the day your husband was murdered?

 

Ms. GIANT

Well I was just sitting down having a cup of tea and my favorite bread made from the bones of farm-raised children, when all of a sudden I hear my husband go Fee-Fi-FO-FUM and I thought “oh, he’s probably lost the remote again.” But I see him chasing after this human boy and saying “He stole my goose! Get the oven heated up!” and I said “ah, do it yourself.” And the next thing I know, he’s climbing down the beanstalk when (points to Jack and screams) THIS KILLER cut the beanstalk down!

 

PROSECUTOR  

Thank you, you may be seated. I call the Golden Goose to the stand.

 

     (MS. GIANT nods and exits the stage from the same way she came. The GOLDEN GOOSE enters from the same side and takes the same position by the JUDGE at upstage center. BALIFF brings the book of Nursery Rhymes.)

 

JUDGE  

Do you swear upon the Holy Book of Mother Goose that you will tell the truth, and only the truth?

 

GOLDEN GOOSE  

What? My mudda? You want to swear on my mudda?

 

PROSECUTOR  

Never mind, let’s get going. Tell us about the day in question.

 

GOOSE  

So listen, I was just sittin’ there mindin’ my own business when this kids comes up and says “Hey, can I have your golden eggs,” and I says “you know the boss kinda wants the eggs for himself he makes mean huevos rancheros” and he says “I’m poor you could help me out! I’ll set you free!” and I think “Free? What a dream!” So I says, “Let’s make like a tree and get out of here.

 

     (JACK’S LAWYER approaches the bench.)

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

So you wanted to leave? You left on your own free will?

 

GOOSE  

Yeah! I was laying two, three eggs a day! It’s hard work! And to make them gold? I had to eat those chocolate gold coins with the wrappers.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

That doesn’t sound too bad.

 

GOOSE  

I’m allergic to chocolate!

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

Okay, you can step off. I call Mr Lima Bean to the stand.

 

     (GOOSE exits stage same way they came, BEAN DEALER takes same route and position next to the JUDGE.)

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

Mr. Bean please state your occupation for the record.

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

I didn’t ask that that. What is your job?

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

The witness is a known underground bean dealer, your honor. He’s served time twice before.

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

Please sir, indulge me. What can you tell us about Jack, this beanstalk, and the murder of Mr. Giant?

 

BEAN DEALER  

He did it.

 

JACK’S LAWYER (Stage whispering)

That’s not what we agree for you to say when I gave you a thousand gold coins!

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

JUDGE  

That’s enough! Next witness.

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

I call Mrs. Killer, the defendant’s mother, to the stand!

 

Mrs. KILLER

My son is innocent! He shouldn’t even be here! He’s too stupid to know any better!

 

JACK (from off-stage)

Hey, I object!

 

Mrs. KILLER

Shut up, Jack! You were always a hard boy to raise! Always galavanting about the countryside, getting into trouble, meeting shady characters like this bean dealer–

 

BEAN DEALER  

I didn’t do it.

 

Mrs. KILLER

–and killing giants! I should have never given you the middle name of Giant, but I was compelled by the fairy tale to do it!

 

JACK’S LAWYER  

Um, ok, you can sit down now, Mrs. Killer.

 

Mrs. KILLER  

Shut up, you lawyer! Don’t tell me to sit down! Oh I should’ve never thrown those stupid beans out of the window in the first place and the stupid beanstalk would’ve never grown!”

 

OTHER CAST + JUDGE  

     (gasp)

 

JUDGE  

Well, looks like we’re done here. Mrs Killer, you are sentenced to give back any golden eggs and pay a fine of one thousand gold coins.

 

JACK  (off-stage)

Hey, but we’re poor!

 

JUDGE  

Shut up, Jack! You should’ve thought about that before cutting down the beanstalk. In light of these revelations, you will not be sentenced to a public beheading anymore. You will, instead serve 10 years in jail. For you Mrs Killer, you will forever be sentenced to eating only beans for the rest of your miserable life!