“Don’t I know what’s best
For the person who’s been through more
She said it herself
In the letter she wrote
I guess it is fate
That my high
Is my low”
Chapter 1~That Feeling
I’m feeling uninspired
I look to my favorite quotes
Today was reading…
…and remembering…
…someone might be feeling
beautiful in literature
Chapter 2~The Beginning
The pounding in my head
The whisper in my soul
I close my eyes
I roll over
Try to fill the empty hole
The door opens
Tam pokes her head in
She says it’s time
That I should get right out of bed
She knows that I’m missing
The sister I loved
Until she died that horrible night
When she was finally pushed too far….
Chapter 3~Cowardly Me
Tam tells me I need practice
To have courage…
…be brave
But how can I
After a girl was brave
And left so much behind
Nevertheless
Life goes on
So I turn to the mirror
I take a breath in and I say to myself
“I am Alex Pander, an author-kinda-and life goes on.“
“I am Alex Pander, an author-maybe-and life goes on.”
“I am Alex Pander, an author-YES-and life goes on.”
I get a questioning look from Tam
But she says no more about it
She hands me my backpack
Opens the door
I walk toward school
Until
My home is out of sight
Then I quickly turn around
Climb
Up a tree
I pull out my notebook…
…though it doesn’t look like one
With a yellowing leather outside
Tattered looking pages
It looks more like a box
Chapter 4~Disguised
Disguised as a box
Looking old
Looking real
Though it’s not
Disguised as something to keep feelings in
But really
It’s the perfect way
For me to let them out
Chapter 5 ~Moms
My mom said I would need saving before she grabbed my mom and jumped after
The daughter that they wouldn’t be able to save
That’s right my mom is gay
So is my mom…
Anyway
I’m adopted from a family I’ll never know
Chapter 6~Messages
I write to my mom, mom, and sister
I write to the family that could’ve been mine
If I stayed with them
I wouldn’t be drowning
In the pain of being abandoned
By the mom and dad that couldn’t afford me and disappeared soon after
By the mom and mom who didn’t stay with me to watch my sister drown
By the sister who was just playing around until playing got her pushed out of life
By Tam, the friend, that still lives today
But I wonder, how much happiness is alive
Chapter 7~The Finding
I write for seconds
For minutes
For hours
Eventually
I gather my stuff
I climb down the tree and I think of my life
I live with my bestie who is ten years older than me
She is my guardian although I’m almost eighteen
I know she is scared with my sudden appearance
She plans to send me away for summer
So she can sort out her life
So now
I will be spending two months in a library
I get home and look for my bff
To finish lying an answer to all of her hopeful questions
I find a note on my bed
After five minutes of frantically searching
And
Ten minutes of staying calm
It says:
Dear Alex,
Life has always been hard. When you were 2 months old, your parents gave you up…I supported you. When you were 5, you decided that having two moms was normal, I supported you. When you were 8, you had to deal with all of the girls telling you that you that were weird; you should be obsessed with dolls, make-up, dressup, boys, and all that stereotypical “girl” stuff. Guess what, I supported you! And then, you were 13, you decided you were really a boy, so I supported you. Exactly 9 months ago today, your sister, mom, and mom died. I need to support you, but I need some supporting too. While I love you so much, I have plugged in coordinates to your GPS. They will take you to a library where people are waiting for your arrival. Use your phone to call me when you get there. Pack your bags so that you can stay for two months. There will be laundry. Leave by 6:30. You might be scared, but this is the best for both of us. It is not forever. I am not leaving you, or making you leave me. I want to be better for you, and I need time to do this. It is hard for me too. I will not be there before you leave. Do not wait up. I love you so much!
Luv ya,
Tam
PS-I called the school so they know not to expect you tomorrow. They say that they weren’t, you haven’t been to school in weeks, maybe even months. They said that they thought you were sick. We will talk about this on the phone later. Keep me posted!
Chapter 8~Betrayal
The car rumbles
It groans
It creaks
It treks along
Without much attention
How can I?
I mean…
I just got abandoned
The third time
In seventeen years
By the one I thought I could trust
Why is it that this happens
So what it is a library
My new home
My old sanctuary
So what she thinks this is best
For me
For her
Don’t I know what’s best
For the person who’s been through more
She said it herself
In the letter she wrote
I guess it is fate
That my high
Is my low
Chapter 9~Arrival
It’s modern
But old
Split in half
Like my soul
It’s brick
But stone
Half and half
Like my heart
It’s warm
But cold
Undecided
Like my life
My thoughts
My emotions
My feelings
My brain
My body
My soul
My heart
Me
Chapter 10~Getting It Over With
So many things happen so quick
A smile
A wave
A kiss
A hug
A ride
A candy
A book
A movie
Even though we try
And try
We try to make them last
The librarian looks
The assistant stares
I realize
In horror
I said it aloud
The feelings I felt
All out there
Not personal
I know I’m blushing
But I need to know more
I take a deep breath
I walk over
The librarian
Stares
Wonders
Questions
Keeps it in
Like she notices
Something
Never noticed before
Almost about
The way I speak
And then try to fix it
Odd
And then I see her staring
At my deep eyes
That seem to know all
Just how I imagined my dad’s
Beautiful eyes would look
She answers
The silent question
Somehow passed between us
She is Molly
My director
Of her newest idea
She is teaching
Kids
About writing
Again
They will room
In the basement
Of the library
Together
Except
I am alone
I am the only one
She gives me the keys
And walks
Out the door
Chapter 11~The Call
I call Tam
But to tell the truth
I’d rather not talk about what was said
Thanks for understanding
I knew that I could always count
On you
To understand…
….notebook
Chapter 12~Reflection
I know
I
Alex Pander
Am scared
I have never spent the night
Alone
Before
I dream
Of my chance
My hope
Of feeling
Happy
Free
Hopeful
Brave
Like the author
I wanted
Want
To be
I feel
A librarian
Will know
How
I feel
Tomorrow
I will ask
I will beg for an answer
For my question
I haven’t figured out
Chapter 13~Dreams
Dreamland
My favorite land
The one where I can escape
I slip away
Like a slug
In the rain
Like a speck
In a river
Like water
In my hand
Like my sister
In my our life
I slip
To a place
Where I
Can
Be
Me
A place
I enter
Tonight
Is wonderful
I fly
With my sister
In my
Hand
Coming home
To my birth
Parents
With a hug
Then we
Fly
Away
To my moms
For kisses
Finally
With
An encouraging
Squeeze
On the hand
From my sis
I see Tam
Words
Aren’t enough
I wake up
Eyes streaming
Knowing that
Maybe
Change
Is here
To stay
Chapter 14~Questions
They swirl
Through my head
Like
Snow
In a storm
Like water
In a river
Like the fireworks
On Independence Day
So bright
Yet
So far
The door
Clicks
It unlocks
It creaks
The clock stops ticking
And the bird
On the cuckoo clock
Stops singing
As a librarian
Enters
Her throne room
You can tell
Her power
In just one finger to her lips
You can see her brain working
In charge of all these books
You know she has the answer
You just don’t know how to ask
I will start with the one
That decides it all
Is she wise
Is it fake
Is it worth asking more
I blurt it out
It’s over
Done
She looks at me closely
I know that she’s won
No matter the question
The answer
The explanation
She knows
Just not the way you expect
She opens her mouth
Closes
Opens
Closes
Opens
Stutters
Closes
Opens
Breathes
Closes
Opens
Speaks
I am going to make you a poem
I gasp
I shake
No one
Ever has made
Me
A poem
Not even a librarian
She tells me to read
For the day
Which is fine
I take the time
To watch
And learn
My poem blossom
Chapter 15~The Fruit
A letter
Has friends
Twenty five of them
Indeed
Stuck with them
Forever
No room
For any
Change
A word
Is made
Out of letters
Forced to be friends
A chance for friendship
If not
War
A sentence
Made of words
That were made
Out of letters
A chance for a new life
A new meaning
Sometimes good
Sometimes bad
A punctuation mark
Has it worst of all
Forced to end
In a questioning fashion
An exclaiming one
A boring one
Forced to end
A sentence
In which
She
He
They
Doesn’t believe
And yet
They stay
Until someone
Helps them out
Rearranges everything
Until change is needed again
Honey
Change is happening
So life isn’t perfect
But
If life
Stayed the same
It might be worse
But when things stop changing for a little
You will see
That change was hard
But it is nice to be free
You are
Who you decide
To be
And you are
The person
That believes
In what you
Believe
That feels
The way
You feel
That looks
The way
You look
That knows
The things
You know
You are you
You will change
You will stay
But no matter what happens
You will always be you
So accept your life
After all
It’s yours
Chapter 16~Crickets
She reads it aloud
In her soothing voice
It’s soft
It’s calm
Like she’s been through my life
She looks familiar
Like someone that looks like everyone you meet
I ask her about her voice
Tell her that it is beautiful
She laughs a tinkly laugh
And says
That it
Is silvery
Clear
Light
Pleasant
She opens her arms
But I turn away
She walks towards me anyway
Her hug gives me power
Her black curly hair
Smells
Like strawberries
And is so soft
Her breath is warm
As it hits my cheek
And when she draws back
I wish I could go on forever
Like if I could feel
That warm
Wonderful
Peaceful
Feeling
I felt just then
Everything would be
Okay?
Chapter 17~Is This What It Feels Like?
My world is falling
The punch in my gut
The ocean in my head
The ache in my heart
The swaying on my feet
I fall
She falls
We fall
I’m holding on
She’s holding on
Can’t grasp
Life flashes
Is this
I don’t want to know
Life
So fast
Find
No
Change
Help
Please
Death
Too much DEATH!!!
I need to see
To know
I fall
My eyes are fluttering
My vision works
But doesn’t
One last
Breath
Is this
What it
Feels like
To die?
My eyes shut
And nothing else happens for hours
Dreamless sleep
Just sleep
That is all it is
Peace
Calm
Rest
Everything I needed
After such a life
Chapter 18~How
I wake up
She’s doing it
Reading my favorite book
I wonder how she knew
It’s really called:
The Afterlife And How To Get There
But I prefer to call it:
Where Will I go Next
Instead
Of focusing
On
My favorite book
The room
Surrounding
Catches
My attention
Like the sun
On glass
In the middle
Of nothing
The wooden floors
With the soft
Smooth
Swirling
Rug that
Captures my
Feelings
I lie
On a couch
Under
A blanket
So soft
And fuzzy
It’s purple
Like my soul
Is what my sister
Would’ve said
In her beautiful way
That makes me love
The one that
I will never again
Get to hold
Chapter 19~Mine
My angel
My master
My leader
My god
My teacher
My guardian
My librarian
I take this
Moment
To take
A look
Of my savior
With the black
Curly hair
That smells
Like strawberry fields
That those bugs wrote
A song about
Where
The fruit
Is forever
Where I
Get taken
To strawberry
Fields
She has deep
Brown eyes
Which is uncommon
I guess
Not really
But whenever
Someone
Points out
Beautiful eyes
They are a
Beautiful
Dazzling blue
But I like brown
So wise
So calm
She has these pink lips
That are pink
Without
Lipstick
Or lip gloss
Or any of that stuff
I despise
That was pushed
On me
Not so long
Ago
She has no nose ring
Like the girls
In my school
When I went there
She wears
A sensible
Dress
With flowers
The kinda
Thing you expect
A librarian to wear
She is looking at me
As I look at her
And deep in my heart
I wish that she were mine
Her lips move
And yet I hear
No sound
But in my head
I know
That I am in her home
And yet my heart
Feels like lead
I spend the rest of the day
In and out of sleep
Until I wake up in the morning
To the librarian
Shaking me
Telling me
To wake up
We need to go
I get my stuff
Get in her car
Drive 5 minutes
To the library
Where she tells me
To sit
In her desk
Because
I have been
Hired
As the new
Librarian
And she is leaving now
And to read the note
On the desk
Once she has left
She produces
A suitcase
Out of
The desk
And walks out the door
Gone
Bye…
…i guess…
Chapter 20~Notes
My son,
I’m sorry I left so soon. I do not deserve you, and yet I recognized you right away. Boy or girl, 17 or 2 months. I am your birth mother. I am an illegal immigrant so I could not keep you. It was too dangerous for both of us, but mostly you. Your father is dead, but I keep moving. You belong here, as a librarian. I will visit often. Son, remember who you are. You will find yourself, just try to keep it with you. I am so very proud of you. Writing is important when you are surrounded by it. Remember that. I love you so much. More than you could imagine. More than I can write, and that’s saying something. Write how much I love you for me. It will show me that you love me.
I love you so much,
Mommy
What!?!
All along
It was her
The one
I hoped was mine
So lost
Who found me
She betrayed me
I thought I had
Her trust
But now
I know
That she is there
And yet
Untrustworthy
Like a mockingbird
Stealing others’ songs
Maybe
If I could ask
If she came back
I would be fine
But now
I just hope
Nobody else hurts me
Again…
